DID YOU READ

The top 10 Captain Kirk moments from “Star Trek”

William Shatner as James T. Kirk in Star Trek

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By Jordan Hoffman

When John F. Kennedy pledged to put a man on the moon by the close of the 1960s, this is the man he had in mind. James T. Kirk is an adventurer, explorer, lover, fighter, diplomat, balance between reason and passion and the type of guy who jumps up off a wall to clobber a blue-skinned alien in a hallway fight (see episode 39, “Journey to Babel.”)

While William Shatner’s recent antics as a low-fare travel pitchman and factory for cheapo basic cable docs may have dulled some of his luster, we can never forget that it was his energy, enthusiasm and charisma the first boldly took us beyond the stars. As such, we opened a few bottles of Saurian brandy and tried to pin down Captain Kirk’s top ten moments. Your outraged comments concerning omissions can be sent to us care of Starfleet.

(Are you a Kirk fan or a Picard die-hard? As part of IFC’s “Trek Week” we’re pitting the two baddest Enterprise captains in town against each other. Chime in with your favorite at #TrekWars on Twitter.)


10.– “Risk is Our Business”

Shatner’s legendary dressing-down to Dr. McCoy in “Return to Tomorrow” (episode 49) pretty much sums up the Camelot-era optimism of Gene Roddenberry’s vision of the future. A briefing room conference turns into a lecture about man’s inherent need to climb a mountain because it is there. Yes, there are dangers, but that comes with the territory. “The potential for knowledge and advancement is equally great! Risk. Risk is our business. That’s what this starship is all about. That’s why we’re aboard her.”

Alas, he was discussing the transference of consciousness from glowing orbs onto some of the key players on the show, leading to some really dopey scenes with miserable acting. If only the rest of this episode were as great as this memorable speech.


9.– Intergalactic Ladykiller

There’s much talk about Kirk’s interplanetary dalliances. Some of this is more myth than truth, but the facts remain that Kirk could win over just about anyone (or any. . .thing?) with his smile.

Never is his swagger more present than in the (in my opinion) oft-overlooked episode “The Conscience of the King” (episode 13,) in which he woos a young actress to help determine if her father is, in fact, a long sought-after war criminal. “The Conscience of the King” isn’t just the first episode of Star Trek to feature a 23rd Century cocktail party (and, oh, man, the music that’s playing is fabulous!) but also shows that the Enterprise comes equipped with an observation deck perfectly suited for makin’ out. Alas, in this specific case the woman in question later tries to fry Kirk with a phaser at show’s end, but no one said romance is without danger.


8. Kirk vs. Spock

Much of what makes Kirk great is his relationship with his two best pals Mr. Spock and Bones McCoy. With these alternating angels and devils on his shoulders his true, great personality really shines through. There have been times, though, where his relationship has been challenged, and none so much as when he volunteered to take place in the koon-ut-kal-if-fee ritual when his first officer was in the midst of a Vulcan pon faar. (If these words mean nothing to you, just let them roll over you, it’s easier that way.)

Turns out the battle had to be to the death, and soon the two were fighting with some oddball weapons to arguably the greatest action music ever written for television. With the aid of Dr. McCoy, Kirk was able to survive while still honoring Vulcan tradition, but it was still a close call. This lack of foresight explains why this iconic moment (from “Amok Time,” episode 30) isn’t a little higher on the list.


7. The Gorn

There are still many moments of Kirk fisticuffs to celebrate. While the Internet often likes to joke that Shatner versus the giant lizard monster is an “epic fail,” they couldn’t be more wrong. “Arena” (episode 18) is a carnival of great thrills. It opens with a siege on a colony, followed by a high-warp chase, until both the good guys (Kirk) and the bad guys (the Gorn, a/k/a the lizard monsters) end up on the doorstep of some really high-strung pacifists. Now the two species’ leaders must duke it out in the sand using only their cunning as aid. Luckily, Kirk is able to construct a mini-bazooka out of a log, dirt and some Liz Taylor-sized gemstones to best his superior-in-strength foe. If you don’t cheer along with the Shat as he mixes up his homemade space gun powder, there is clearly something wrong with you.


6.– “What Does God Need With A Starship?”

What’s a top 10 list without some controversy? In the truly wretched film “Star Trek V: The Final Frontier” (directed by William Shatner, in pretty much the only time anyone ever let him near a budget this big) there’s still a moment that ranks as one of Kirk’s best. Perhaps it is so great because it comes at the cost of mocking the rest of the film. Either way, when Spock’s evil half-brother puts the Enterprise in a trance and makes them travel to the Galactic Core to visit God (don’t ask), Kirk still has the sand to look the Almighty in the eye and say, “hey! I’ve got a question!”

Turns out this 1989 sci-fi flick didn’t have the answers to all of life’s mysteries, and the floating blue alien wasn’t God. But it took a little Kirk chutzpah to get that out there.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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GIFs via Giphy

Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Mirror, Mirror

Portlandia Season 7 In Hindsight

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available Online and on the IFC App.

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Another season of Portlandia is behind us, and oh what a season it was. We laughed. We cried. And we chuckled uncomfortably while glancing nervously around the room. Like every season before it, the latest Portlandia has held a mirror up to ridiculousness of modern American life, but more than ever that same mirror has reflected our social reality in ways that are at once hysterical and sneakily thought-provoking. Here are just a few of the issues they tackled:

Nationalism

So long, America, Portland is out! And yes, the idea of Portland seceding is still less ludicrous than building a wall.

Men’s Rights

We all saw this coming. Exit gracefully, dudes.

Protests

Whatever you stand for, stand for it together. Or with at least one other person.

Free Love

No matter who we are or how we love, deep down we all have the ability to get stalky.

Social Status

Modern self-esteem basically hinges on likes, so this isn’t really a stretch at all.

These moments are just the tip of the iceberg, and much more can be found in the full seventh season of #Portlandia, available right now #online and on the #IFC app.

via GIPHY

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