DID YOU READ

What to Watch on IFC: April 23 – 29

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We were never great at Latin, but there is one phrase we remember: Carpe Diem! And you’ll want to carpe that diem when you see what we have on the schedule this week. From “Napoleon Dynamite” to Monty Python to Tarantino we have all your favorites. So go ahead and carpe that diem all night long. Diem means couch, right?

Here’s what to watch this week on IFC:

Monday

We’re kicking the week off right by airing “Teeth” at 9:45 p.m. ET. If you don’t know the movie, it’s like a women’s studies class minus the college tuition plus massive amounts of horror. If a woman with extra teeth in unexpected places doesn’t fill you with terror, how about being left alone in the ocean? “Open Water” starts at 8 p.m. ET.

Tuesday

We’re showing “Monty Python’s Life of Brian” at 8 p.m. ET, so now is probably a good time to wrap the couch in plastic, because you’re about to wet yourself laughing. Even if you need to change your pants, just remember to always look on the bright side of life.

Wednesday

Way before “Black Swan,” director Darren Aronofsky was making us twitch with “Requiem for a Dream.” The dark drug-fueled drama, based on the novel by Hubert Selby Jr., stars Jared Leto, Jennifer Connolly, Marlon Wayans and Ellen Burstyn so you know the acting is top notch, too. The “fun” starts at 11 p.m. ET.

Thursday

Do it right on Thursday night by stocking up on Doritos and Mountain Dew and watching some of Tarantino’s finest work. Yep, we’re showing “Kill Bill.” In “Kill Bill: Vol. 1,” which starts at 8 p.m. ET, watch as Uma Thurman awakes from a coma, to seek vengeance against her former boss and his ruthless gang (Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox). Then the action continues at 10 p.m. ET, in“Kill Bill: Vol. 2,” Uma Thurman goes after the man’s younger brother (Michael Madsen) and her one-eyed counterpart, before confronting her former boss (David Carradine).

Friday

Get your Friday Night Frights with back-to-back bloodshed from IFC. “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” starts at 8 p.m. ET followed by “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.” We got all the thrills and chills here.

Saturday

While spending your Saturday night watching a gawky teenager (Jon Heder) from an odd family (Jon Gries, Aaron Ruell) help his new friend run for class president against a popular student sounds pathetic, when it’s the movie “Napoleon Dynamite” you know you’re winning Saturday. The movie starts at 6 p.m. ET.

Sunday

In 1971 London, a car dealer (Jason Statham) and his gang of thieves break into a bank vault and find far more than cash and jewelry. That’s right, we’re showing “The Bank Job” and if you don’t watch, Jason Statham will find you and make you. It start at 8/7 c. Don’t be late!

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SAG Life

Rappers Act Up

Watch the Yo! IFC Acts Movie Marathon Memorial Day Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection (and the '90s)

Memorial Day weekend: how to celebrate? Nothing quite says “screw spring—let’s do summer” like blockbuster movies starring rappers who ditched lucrative music careers in order to become actors. It happened a lot, remember? Especially in and around the ’90s. Will Smith, Eminem, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Marky Mark Wahlberg, Ludacris…icons with the hubris to try the silver screen instead and have it totally work out.

But what if more rappers had made the leap? That’s a rhetorical question—movies (and life) would’ve been better, obviously. To prove it, here are some movies that would’ve been more memorable with rappers.

The Godfather

Starring Biggie, not Brando.
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Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Only Coolio could improve upon Gene Wilder’s performance.
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Billy Elliot

Billy Elliot, with a dose of Missy Elliott.
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Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Low hanging fruit, Hollywood.
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And of course…

Kanye-of-The-Lambs

See NONE of those movies and a whole bunch of real ones this Memorial Day weekend on IFC’s rapper-filled movie marathon.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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