DID YOU READ

What to Watch on IFC: April 23 – 29

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We were never great at Latin, but there is one phrase we remember: Carpe Diem! And you’ll want to carpe that diem when you see what we have on the schedule this week. From “Napoleon Dynamite” to Monty Python to Tarantino we have all your favorites. So go ahead and carpe that diem all night long. Diem means couch, right?

Here’s what to watch this week on IFC:

Monday

We’re kicking the week off right by airing “Teeth” at 9:45 p.m. ET. If you don’t know the movie, it’s like a women’s studies class minus the college tuition plus massive amounts of horror. If a woman with extra teeth in unexpected places doesn’t fill you with terror, how about being left alone in the ocean? “Open Water” starts at 8 p.m. ET.

Tuesday

We’re showing “Monty Python’s Life of Brian” at 8 p.m. ET, so now is probably a good time to wrap the couch in plastic, because you’re about to wet yourself laughing. Even if you need to change your pants, just remember to always look on the bright side of life.

Wednesday

Way before “Black Swan,” director Darren Aronofsky was making us twitch with “Requiem for a Dream.” The dark drug-fueled drama, based on the novel by Hubert Selby Jr., stars Jared Leto, Jennifer Connolly, Marlon Wayans and Ellen Burstyn so you know the acting is top notch, too. The “fun” starts at 11 p.m. ET.

Thursday

Do it right on Thursday night by stocking up on Doritos and Mountain Dew and watching some of Tarantino’s finest work. Yep, we’re showing “Kill Bill.” In “Kill Bill: Vol. 1,” which starts at 8 p.m. ET, watch as Uma Thurman awakes from a coma, to seek vengeance against her former boss and his ruthless gang (Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox). Then the action continues at 10 p.m. ET, in“Kill Bill: Vol. 2,” Uma Thurman goes after the man’s younger brother (Michael Madsen) and her one-eyed counterpart, before confronting her former boss (David Carradine).

Friday

Get your Friday Night Frights with back-to-back bloodshed from IFC. “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” starts at 8 p.m. ET followed by “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.” We got all the thrills and chills here.

Saturday

While spending your Saturday night watching a gawky teenager (Jon Heder) from an odd family (Jon Gries, Aaron Ruell) help his new friend run for class president against a popular student sounds pathetic, when it’s the movie “Napoleon Dynamite” you know you’re winning Saturday. The movie starts at 6 p.m. ET.

Sunday

In 1971 London, a car dealer (Jason Statham) and his gang of thieves break into a bank vault and find far more than cash and jewelry. That’s right, we’re showing “The Bank Job” and if you don’t watch, Jason Statham will find you and make you. It start at 8/7 c. Don’t be late!

Fred Armisen and Stephen Colbert Sample Foghat Wine

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Fred Armisen and Stephen Colbert Had a Rockin’ Wine Tasting

Catch Fred on the new season of Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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As per The Late Show’s themed gift recommendation this past December, we all spent the holidays delightfully unwrapping various Foghat albums and compilations. And while those cassettes remain in our tape decks, there’s still more ’70s boogie rock to enjoy in the form of fermented grapes. Yes, Foghat has its very own wine, straight from the cellars of drummer and Late Show fan Roger Earl, and Portlandia’s Fred Armisen joined host Stephen Colbert to sample the goods. And thanks to Earl’s watchful eye and drumstick swirl during fermentation, the pinot noir unfolds nicely on the tongue and has the perfect notes to swig directly from the bottle while shrieking, “HELLO, CLEVELAND!”

Watch Fred Armisen and Stephen Colbert don literal “fog hats” and take a slow ride through some tasty spirits below.

What to Watch on IFC: April 9 -15

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There’s no doubt that spring is here, but it doesn’t matter, because with our line up of movies and must-watch shows, you’re not going to be enjoying that rainy weather. Instead, make some popcorn, cancel your plans, and order a pizza, you’re staying in.

Here’s what to watch this week on IFC:

Monday

Before Nicolas Winding Refn made “Drive” he made “Valhalla Rising,” which airs tonight at 8/7 c. While a mute warrior named One Eye with supernatural strength is no Ryan Gosling, his adventures escaping his captors, sailing to an unknown land with a ship full of Vikings and taking on a young apprentice (yes, that’s a “Star Wars” reference) makes for a pretty darn entertaining movie.

Tuesday

You can learn a lot of valuable life lessons from the Beverly Hills rich kids portrayed in Bret Easton Ellis’ novel-turned-movie “Less Than Zero.” In the film, Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz help their friend Robert Downey Jr. after he gets hooked on cocaine. See? Friends helping friends get off the drugs is a valuable moral, just served up with more swearing, drugs and male prostitution than your average after-school special. It starts at 10:20 p.m. ET just to keep your DVR on its toes.

Wednesday

In “Doubt,” which airs at 8/7c, suspicions of child abuse are flying at a Catholic school. The rumors fuel a traditionalist nun’s (Meryl Streep) personal crusade against a popular priest (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who wants to reform her school’s strict customs. The film is so well-acted it’s like a date to church that you don’t mind being on.

Thursday

Sorry, but you’re not going to be sleeping tonight. Not when we are pinning Thursday on its back and making it beg for mercy by showing a killer doubled feature of “Hostel” and “Hostel Part II.” The fright fest starts at 8/7c and ends whenever you can convince your eyelids it is safe to shut (since you’re under a blanket inside your pillow fort.)

Friday

It’s Friday night, and we’re doing it right with a double dose of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” That means twice the Buffy, twice the cheerleading, twice the vampire slaying, twice the Donald Sutherland, twice the Kristy Swanson, and twice the Peewee Herman death. The fun starts at 8/7c.

Saturday

It’s undoubtedly a lovely spring day, but who cares when we’re having an all-day horrorfest? Spend the day indoors with us, we’re showing “The She Creature” at 12/11 a.m. CT, followed by “How to Make a Monster” at 1:45 p.m. ET, Guillermo Del Toro’s “Pan’s Labyrinth” at 3:15, “Home Movie,” “The Devil’s Rejects” and “Night of the Living Dead” at 10:15 p.m. ET.

Sunday

Nothing like Tax Day to make you want to watch some outlandish violence, brutal batteries, and a good old fashioned beat downs. So we’re showing “Kill Bill Vol 1″ and Vol 2 back to back starting at 8/7c. Let’s just pretend “Bill” is a 1040EZ, right?

Ten reasons to watch “Napoleon Dynamite” on Sunday

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As a faithful reader of this blog you undoubtedly know that we already gave you five really good reasons not leave your couch on Sunday. But, if you have a really good excuse like, if you win the Mega Millions jackpot and need to roll around in your money or if your wife insists you join her at the hospital for the birth of your child or something, and you have to miss some of the movies we’re showing, you still have to make it back to watch “Napoleon Dynamite” at 8/7 c. Why? Because it is one of the funniest films of all time. Plus, we’re pretty sure it is in the Constitution that you have to watch “Napoleon Dynamite” every time it is on television. Vote for Pedro!

Here’s ten reasons to watch in the form of quotes from one of the best comedies ever:

1. “Just follow your heart. That’s what I do.” – Napoleon Dynamite

2. “You know… there’s like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I’m pretty good with a bo-staff.” – Napoleon Dynamite

3. “Well, you have a sweet bike. And you’re really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you’re like the only guy at school who has a mustache.” – Napoleon Dynamite

4. “Pedro offers you his protection.” – Pedro

5. “Napoleon, let go of me! I think you’re bruising my neck meat!” – Kip

6. “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” – Napoleon Dynamite

7. “How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?… Yeah… Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would’ve been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.” -Uncle Rico

8. Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

9. “Last week, Japanese scientists explaced… placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its residents, and all those who seek a peaceful existence with our underwater ally.” – Napoleon Dynamite

10. “After one week with me in my dojo, you’ll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man. So come down today for your free-trial lesson!” – Rex

“Napoleon Dynamite” airs on IFC on Sunday at 8/7c

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