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DID YOU READ

Five Sylvester Stallone roles in order of scariness

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Tonight we are taking up arms. Specifically Sylvester Stallone’s arms and we are helping him wage the righteous war against Donald Sutherland a.k.a. Warden Drumgoole. You see, in “Lock Up,” which airs at 10:30 p.m. ET, Stallone’s character Frank Leone is nearing the end of his prison term for a relatively minor crime and eager to get back to life with his lovely lady. However, just before he is paroled Warden Drumgoole takes charge and he has some revenge he would like to serve cold or hot. He doesn’t care. He just wants to make sure that Leone never sees the light of day. You see, Drumgoole was assigned to this hell-hole prison after he was publicly humiliated by Leone and now he will do anything in his power to make sure he remains on our list of Top 12 Most Evil Wardens.

Of course, Stallone is a bad ass in this role of tough-as-nails prisoner with a heart of gold. It’s his milieu. Hard on the outside but soft and gooey as a warm chocolate chip cookie on the inside. But when Stallone is scary, he is really really scary. Would you step in the ring with Rocky Balboa circa Rocky III? No. You probably wouldn’t even tussle with him as Sgt. Joe Bomowski in “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot,” because Sylvester Stallone is just built to inspire fear in all comers.

Here are five Stallone roles in order of scariness:

5. Lieutenant Cobra Cobretti in “Cobra”

Cobra is a righteous, violent, take-no-prisoners cop on a mission. In short: scary.

4. John Spartan in “Demolition Man”

Spartan is a cop taken out of cryogenic freeze in order to fight his criminally insane nemesis (Wesley Snipes).

3. Machine Gun Joe Viterbo in “Death Race 2000”

Have you seen that guy’s car?

2. John Rambo in “First Blood Part 2”

It’s the rare sequel that’s just as good as the original, Rambo takes the action and the scariness to a whole new level.

1. John Rambo in “First Blood”

Like “Les Miserables” for the ‘Nam set, veteran John Rambo is arrested trying to get something to eat. When he escapes a manhunt is launched and so is a one-man war.

“Lock Up” airs on IFC tonight at 10:30 p.m. ET

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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