DID YOU READ

“We Bought a Zoo,” reviewed

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What happened to Cameron Crowe? This is the guy that made two of the greatest movies of my lifetime — “Almost Famous” and “Say Anything…” — and wrote maybe the greatest high school movie of anyone’s lifetime, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” Now he returns to fiction filmmaking six years after the underwhelming “Elizabethtown” with another disappointment. “We Bought a Zoo” features all of the worst parts of Crowe’s work — overwritten dialogue, mopey characters, empty sentimentality — and very few of the best.

Crowe seems to have lost his way in his work, a trait he shares with the protagonist of “We Bought a Zoo,” Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon). They’re both struggling storytellers, too: Benjamin works as a reporter, but ever since the recent death of his wife he hasn’t felt the same passion for of journalism. All he wants to do now is spend time with his kids, teenage Dylan (Colin Ford) and prepubescent Rosie (Maggie Elizabeth Jones). Feeling bad about keeping a job from someone who deserves it more, he quits to follow his bliss. So a newly single father with two kids and no other prospects in the midst of a horrific economic recession quits the last secure newspaper job in America because of personal guilt? Hooooookay. I saw this movie at a press screening; during this scene, I swear you could hear several dozen film critics simultaneously angling for Benjamin’s job.

Looking for a fresh start, Benjamin goes househunting. Unfortunately, the only place he likes also happens to be part of Rosemoor Animal Park, a working but dilapidated zoo. Possibly because he believes it will bring his broken family closer, and possibly because the name of this movie is “We Bought a Zoo,” Benjamin impulsively takes over the Rosemoor. Now he needs to get the place cleaned up, repaired, and up to code before the start of the summer season with the help of Rosemoor’s skeletal staff, which includes zookeeper Kelly (Scarlett Johansson), her niece Lily (Elle Fanning), and Robin (“Almost Famous”‘ Patrick Fugit), whose only apparent responsibilities consist of standing around with his hands on his hips and a monkey on a shoulder. (Seriously. It’s all he does.)

Rosemoor is supposed to be a dump, but Crowe inexplicably chose to film every single scene at the zoo at magic hour, bathing the whole compound in rays of sparkling sunshine. Everyone keeps asking Benjamin why he bought the place, but it’s pretty obvious to me: Rosemoor is absolutely gorgeous. Okay, so it’s nine miles to nearest Target, as the Mees frequently joke. But it’s also located in an edenic valley surrounded by lush, unspoiled mountains. Everywhere you look, you see perfection. And forget rain; it’s never even cloudy at Rosemoor, at least not until the third act needs some drama to spice things up.

The overly warm cinematography might be related to something Benjamin’s brother Duncan’s (Thomas Haden Church) tells him early in the movie. “You need to let a little sunlight in,” he warns his depressed sibling. Thanks to Crowe’s super-saturated photography, there’s plenty of light to be found; Benjamin just needs to notice it’s there. He and his staff face a couple of minor crises, including a grouchy wildlife inspector played by the inappropriately hammy John Michael Higgins, but Benjamin’s only real problem is one of perception. If he could just change his perspective, and maybe listen to some classic Tom Petty tunes while he did it, things would be okay.

Too bad Crowe’s optimistic message isn’t a particularly dramatic one. And too bad the film’s comedy, most of it involving wacky animals or cute little Rosie and her wise-beyond-her-years witticisms, isn’t particularly funny either. The only way to describe most of the roles in this film is thankless. Higgins has the thankless role of the wacky comic relief villain. Fanning has the thankless role of the manic pixie dream girl who inspires Dylan (ironic, since Crowe’s “Elizabethtown” inspired A.V. Club critic Nathan Rabin to invent the term manic pixie dream girl in the first place). Johansson has the thankless role of the person who explains to Benjamin and the audience how to run a zoo. Even Damon, an actor at his best in more acidic material, feels miscast as a guy who’s just a couple of few church visits shy from sainthood. It says a lot about “We Bought a Zoo” that its best moment is one in which Damon pours out his heart to a dying tiger.

Thought most of “We Bought a Zoo” is pretty maudlin, Crowe and Damon manage to wring a few genuine emotions out of the film’s big “Field of Dreams”ish climax. Some of Damon’s big speeches are well-written and well-delivered, and he and Johansson have just enough chemistry together to suggest they’d be great together in a better movie. But it’s still way too little, way too late. We always talk about Cameron Crowe movies in terms of musical moments, of boom boxes hoisted to the sounds of Peter Gabriel and young women deflowered to the sounds of Jackson Browne. So let’s talk about “We Bought a Zoo” in musical terms. If this movie was a pop song, it would be the most clichéd, sentimental love ballad you’d ever heard in your life. You might catch yourself humming along to the soaring sing-along outro, but you wouldn’t feel good about it. A few pretty harmonies don’t make up for a lot of sour notes. But hey, you know how these rock and roll stories always go: the early highs, the crashing lows, then the sudden third act comeback. I’m still looking forward to Crowe’s.

“We Bought a Zoo” opens this Friday. If you see it, tell us what you think in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
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Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
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Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
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Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
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Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
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Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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