Five things you didn’t know about Portland history

Five things you didn’t know about Portland history (photo)

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For outsiders, it can seem as if Portland just sprung out of the earth around the time the Decemberists put out their first album. Only in the last few years has the city been considered a “youth destination” and made the subject of a bazillion think pieces in New York-based magazines and–ahem–cable sketch comedy shows. Before then, who knew the place even existed? In truth, Portland was born on a coin toss in 1845 and has been a land of strange, bearded wonders ever since.

Just ask Doug Kenck-Crispin. As the resident “ribald historian” at orhistory.com and host of the bi-weekly podcast Kick-Ass Oregon History, he is well aware the phrase “Keep Portland Weird” isn’t so much a rallying cry for the recent influx of hipster transplants as it is an unofficial town motto stretching back 167 years. Here, Kenck-Crispin provides us with five historical facts to prove that point:

1) In 1883, when Stephen Skidmore died, he bequeathed $5,000 to the city for a fountain. Skidmore vastly underestimated the cost of such a venture, and left woefully little dollars to complete the project. Henry Weinhard’s offer to fill the Skidmore fountain with beer for the 1888 dedication was turned down by party pooper Henry Failing.

2) On St. Patrick’s Day in 1948, Mill Ends Park was dedicated. The park has been recognized by many schooled in such trivial matters as the World’s Smallest Park. Yet again, eternally imprisoning us in a shameful stance when we want to say to Seattle, “mine is bigger than yours.”

3) While we at orhistory.com are quite familiar with strippers named Mercedes and Erotica, we wish we could have met Portland’s Best Named Whore, Boneyard Mary. A longshoreman named William McMahon went missing from his ship, the Willamette Slough, and the harlot–more than just an acquaintance of Mr. McMahon’s–was suspected. A friend of the deceased, who found his cabin empty, was named “Wide Awake” Harrington, yet again demonstrating that Portland has always been Tweakerville. (And the coppers were never able to pin the caper on Mary.)

4) Remember the time the parks downtown were occupied by a bunch of dirty hippies protesting “the system,” camping and partying and fucking until the Mayor got tired of this bullshit and sent in the police? Oh, but wait, that was May 1970 at the PSU Park Blocks, when Mayor Terry Schrunk’s cops beat the shit out of a bunch of hippies, sending 31 protesters to the hospital. Props to Sam Adams, Portland’s kinder, gentler mayor.

5) Likely Portland’s first food cart, in 1957 a dozen ladies from a Red Cross class simulated feeding mass refugees from the holocaust of an atomic apocalypse. Called the Civil Defense Austerity Meal, the women cooked over an oven made from rubble brick and a galvanized garbage can. The menu consisted of a casserole of baked beans and wieners, scalloped potatoes and ham, pickled beets and a tossed salad. Ahhh-palling to you Portland foodies, indeed!

Not enough? Here now, courtesy of the all-knowledgeable Twitter feed Ancient Portland, are five even more arcane things you didn’t know about Portland. Why are they so arcane? Well, because they’re totally made up.

1) According to the historian Tacitus, Portland was founded in 851 BC by Willamette Valley warlords, who vowed they would never use umbrellas, even if common sense demanded it. This is a custom that continued through modern times. Indeed, an anonymous 1771 diarist wrote: “It is curious that, given the Inclemency of Climate & Constancy of Rain, Portlandians care not if their Wigs become soaked.”

2) In antiquity, Portland’s economy was based on moss. Moss farmers spent much of the year in the drizzle, sipping ale or coffee until summer. Little has changed. Interestingly, “moss farmers” was a derogatory term for Portlanders during the 16th-century Californite Wars.

3) Writer and libertine Giacomo Casanova’s visit to the celebrated Portland pâtissière Voodoo Doughnuts in 1791 proved scandalous when he chose a pastry that, according to a local chronicler, “amusingly resembled the Priapic member.”

4) Portlanders have always been serious about eating locally. Portland’s ancient locavores lived exclusively off squirrels, dandelions, crows, and Burgerville hazelnut milkshakes.

5) Likewise, Portland has always had an affinity for coffee. According to tradition, St. Drogo, patron of baristas, lived in a Goose Hill monastery and made devout latte art depicting the Virgin Mary. He was brutally martyred via steam wand in Canby in 1185. Scholars believe, however, that Portland’s first specialty coffee drink was not made until 1711 and was milk, coffee, and ground-up Egyptian mummies. Critics were horrified that the mummies were not local.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.


IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines


The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.


Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.


A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.


Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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