DID YOU READ

Five of the greatest Christmas movie villains of all time

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Christmas movies are usually about the celebration of a time of year when everyone comes together to share gifts, affection and good will towards all. The plots range from grounded stories about families trying to survive the holidays, to adventures about mythical beings like Santa Claus and his elves working to ensure that every child wakes up on Christmas morning to an extravaganza of toys beneath their tree.

With all that in mind, what fun would these stories be without the antagonists that do everything in their power to derail everyone’s good time? Here’s our list of the best of the worst who tried to steal Christmas.


1. Mr. Oogie Boogie from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”

Tim Burton’s villains typically have a flair for the dramatic, but Oogie Boogie takes things to an entirely other level. He’s a magical, evil sack filled to the brim with every manner of creepy crawly. He lives in a place that is essentially one giant death-trap with a decorating scheme that reveals a crippling addiction to gambling.

This guy is so evil that he does a musical number about how awful he is while torturing Santa Claus, which is really as metal as a Christmas movie should get.


2. Scut Farkas from “A Christmas Story”

Part of what makes Sut such an effective villain in “A Christmas Story” is how relevant he is to childhoods in general. If you managed to make it entirely through grade school without being menaced by a bully, you were either a martial arts master OR, y’know…a bully yourself.

The other thing that makes Scut great is the two-dimensional simplicity of his nature. He hangs out cackling behind the fence every day, springing upon smaller children with his coon-skin cap and jaundiced eyes, pounding on the weak with his stout accomplice at his side. And then he lets them go. He’s the perfect antagonist for a film where the real enemy is a BB gun.


3. Stripe from “Gremlins”

Where villains like Scut Farkas are just evil enough to keep things fun for the whole family, Stripe is purely sinister monster with a homicidal thirst that won’t be satiated until the world is overrun with his water-generated offspring. There’s nothing even remotely tragic about him, he engineered everything from his transformation from mogwai to gremlin, to the onslaught that turned Chistmas Eve in Kingston Falls in to a full blown massacre.

Plus he tried to kill Gizmo. And seriously, how can you hate Gizmo?


4. Hans Gruber from “Die Hard”

It’s one thing to try to steal Christmas, it’s entirely another to try and steal Christmas along with $640 million dollars in bearer bonds from the Nakatomi Corporation during the holiday party while also posing as international terrorists. Hans is so eloquently over the top that Alan Rickman’s portrayal became the industry standard for what an international super-criminal should be.

I would pay money to see what this guy asked Santa for when he was a kid.


5. Old Man Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life”

If they did a remake of “It’s a Wonderful Life” today, there would be an entire “Occupy Bedford Falls” protest outside of Potter’s office throughout the course of the movie. Instead, it’s really up to poor George Bailey, who finds out from an angel that if he didn’t abandon his dreams and stay in the same place for his entire life, Potter would have run the entire city in to the ground and turned the entire population in to criminals, thugs and head-cases.

Potter is so evil that after picking up the crucial deposit Bailey’s absent-minded uncle dropped in the bank, he pockets it and then watches Bailey’s life unravel. When George throws himself at Potter’s mercy on Christmas Eve, broken, suicidal and about to lose everything, Potter’s reaction is call the police on Bailey for not having the stolen money the old man has in his own possession. And the one thing that makes Potter worse than any of the other villains on our list? He gets away with it. The film takes the high road and celebrates the gift of family and community, while Potter counts his money. It’s for that very reason that instead of a clip from the actual film, we leave you with the the classic “Saturday Night Live” sketch about the director’s cut ending to the film, where Potter finally gets what’s coming to him.

Who are some of your favorite Christmas movie villains? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook or Twitter.

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Very NSFW

The Brockmire Premiere Is All Truth

Watch The First Episode of Brockmire Right Now for Free

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At long last, the Brockmire pre-premiere has arrived. Which means you can watch it right now—on IFC.com, at Funny Or Die, on IFC’s Apple TV and mobile apps, on Youtube, on Facebook, on the AMC apps, and right here. So grab some headphones and get watching.

No seriously, get headphones.

Because whether he’s giving a play-by-play or ruminating on the world around him, Jim Brockmire calls it like he sees it. And how he sees it is very NSFW. His take on life is actually quite refreshing, even to the point of being profoundly sage. For proof just look at these pearls of unconventional wisdom from the premiere…

Brockmire On The Internet

“If I need porn I just buy a nudie mag, like my father and his father before him.”

Brockmire On Sex-Ed

“Kids, a strap-on is a belt with d— on it that mommies use to f— daddies.”
Brockmire-Strap-On

Brockmire On The Perfect High

“Somewhere between 10 cups of coffee and very low-grade cocaine.”
Brockmire-Perfect-High

Brockmire On The Tardiness of Spring

“Old man winter’s reaching his hand inside your coat to give that thing one more squeeze.”

Brockmire On Keeping Perspective

“I thought I hit rock bottom in a handicap restroom in Bangkok where a Thai lady-boy snorted crank off my johnson while a sunburnt German watched us on the toilet”
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Brockmire On Humanity

“If you want to look directly into the gaping maw of oblivion, don’t look up to the heavens. Just look in the mirror.”
Jules-never-seen

See these nuggets and more in the first episode of Brockmire, and see the whole season beginning April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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