What would a 1970s-era “Expendables” cast look like? We’ll tell you

What would a 1970s-era “Expendables” cast look like? We’ll tell you (photo)

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Okay, yes, “The Expendables,” ended up being better as an “idea” than a reality. Sylvester Stallone gathered a bunch of over-the-hill action stars (including his “Rocky IV” opponent, Dolph Lundgren, and his “Get Carter” pal, Mickey Rourke) for a bloody shoot-’em-up designed to show all the young whippersnappers out there that the old men still got it. The resulting film had its moments but was ultimately too confusing, too haphazard and too, well, expendable.

But what are sequels for if not a chance to make things all better (don’t answer that)? Stallone has gathered an even more impressive cast for “The Expendables 2” — Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme will be contributing to the mayhem this time around, and Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, both of whom only had cameo appearances in the original film, will have much larger roles in the new adventure. And, of course, all of the old gang is back, including Lundgren (how…? Never mind), Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews and Randy Couture.

All of this casting news has us wondering what the lineup of action stars would’ve been if “The Expendables” had been made in the 1970s. Here are the mighty men that might’ve wreaked havoc back in the day.

charlesbronson.jpgCharles Bronson

The leader of the pack, natch. Bronson was a tough guy from the day he was born — seriously, this dude probably came out of the womb with those weather-beaten features and that steely gaze. Some of Chuck’s most memorable gigs include “The Great Escape” (1963), “The Dirty Dozen” (1967), “Once Upon a Time in the West” (1968), “The Mechanic” (1972) and, of course, “Death Wish” (1974). Paul Kersey of “Death Wish” might be the role that Bronson is most remembered for — he went on to play the poor, angry, violent man in a couple of ’80s sequels as well. And, for the record, Nicolas Winding Refn’s movie, “Bronson,” is not about Charles — but it should be.

malcolmmcdowell.jpgMalcolm McDowell

The “Clockwork Orange” star is our pick for Jason Statham’s stand-in. The young British actor caused quite a stir with his lead performance as Alex in Stanley Kubrick’s classic dystopian tale — as a fan of a “bit of the ol’ ultraviolence,” McDowell is an ideal addition to Charles Bronson’s team of rugged rogues. Some of McDowell’s other memorable ’70s romps include “Aces High” (1976), “Voyage of the Damned” (1976), “The Passage” (1979) and, of course, that gorgeous, mind-boggling, brilliant mess, “Caligula” (1979). Oh, that’s a fun one.

stevemcqueen.jpgSteve McQueen

Of course the Tunnel King would bring in the Cooler King! Charles Bronson’s “The Great Escape” cohort would have to be in on the “Expendables” action. McQueen would definitely show off the driving skills he exhibited to legendary effect in “Bullitt” (1968), crashing through the proceedings with Bronson looking (just a little) nervous in the passenger seat. McQueen was a huge star in his day, appearing as Thomas Crown in “The Thomas Crown Affair” (1968), Junior Bonner in “Junior Bonner” (1972) and Doc McCoy in “The Getaway” (1972).

brucelee.jpgBruce Lee

Okay, how amazing would this be? Where as Stallone had Jet Li, Charles Bronson would have Bruce Lee! The “Enter the Dragon” star would leap and kick all over the place, smashing in doors and walls and taking on, like, five hundred bad guys at once. Lee’s greatest film is definitely his last, the astonishing “Enter the Dragon” (1973), but we’re also quite fond of “Fists of Fury” (1971), “Fist of Fury” (1972) and “The Way of the Dragon” (1972). However, we’re imagining a scenario in which Bronson tells Lee that he offered him the part because he “loved him as Kato on ‘The Green Hornet.'”

leemarvin.jpgLee Marvin

Charles Bronson would be morally obligated to bring his “Dirty Dozen” pal into the mix. Lee Marvin was so cool, sheep counted him — and then he slaughtered them and ate them raw. Another one of cinema’s all-time awesomest tough guys, Marvin started kicking ass and taking names in the ’50s, playing hard-ass military characters in “Attack,” “Pillars of the Sky” and “The Rack” (all 1956). Some of his best gigs include “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” (1962), “The Killers” (1964), “Ship of Fools” (1965), “Point Blank” (1967) and “Sergeant Ryker” (1968). He reprised his role as Major John Reisman in the TV movie, “The Dirty Dozen: Next Mission” (1985), and his last film was “The Delta Force” (1986), which co-starred Chuck Norris, who will be appearing in “The Expendables 2.” Coincidence? We think not.

richardroundtree.jpgRichard Roundtree

Who’s the black private dick who’s a sex machine with all the chicks? It’s the star of “Shaft,” of course, and as Isaac Hayes would say, you’re “damn right” he would be part of Charles Bronson’s team. Roundtree would spend most of the movie punching dudes in the face, running over other dudes with sweet pimped-out cars and bedding bodacious babes — all at the same time. Roundtree was so damn cool as John Shaft, he went on to play the role in “Shaft’s Big Score!” (1972), “Shaft in Africa” (1973) and in the “Shaft” TV series (1973-1974). He was also in “Earthquake,” so in reference to this, he’d have to greet Bronson and the rest of the gang in every scene with, “What’s shakin’?” Damn right.

genehackman.jpgGene Hackman

So who’s the big baddie these dudes would be taking on, anyway? The villain of the ’70s “Expendables” would definitely be played by Gene Hackman, one of the hardest of the ’70s hardasses. Hackman still holds the title of the best comic book movie villain of all time (sorry, Heath) for his inimitable portrayal of Lex Luthor in “Superman” (1978) and its sequels, and he kicked all sorts of butt as Jimmy ‘Popeye’ Doyle, the rugged and occasionally racist detective in “The French Connection” (1971) and its 1975 sequel. Hackman was also a part of “The Poseidon Adventure” (1972), went crazy paranoid in “The Conversation” (1974) and took “A Bridge Too Far” (1977). Who would dare take on the greatest criminal mind of our time?

clinteastwood.jpgObligatory Cameos: Clint Eastwood & Charlton Heston

The scene in the church between Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Scwarzenegger in “The Expendables” was completely bizarre. What the hell were they supposed to be talking about, anyway? And why did Arnold look like he was about to completely break at any second (or something)? It was weird and anti-climactic, but hey, it was a scene featuring Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Our choices for the ’70s equivalents of Arnold & Bruce are Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston. The “Dirty Harry” star could just kind of growl and squint and the “Omega Man” himself could just kind of grin and mug whilst Charles Bronson glares and looks tired. There wouldn’t even have to be any spoken dialogue — how’s that for confusing?

Who would you cast in a 1970’s era “Expendables” movie? Let us know below or on Facebook or Twitter.

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Bro and Tell

BFFs And Night Court For Sports

Bromance and Comeuppance On Two New Comedy Crib Series

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“Silicon Valley meets Girls meets black male educators with lots of unrealized potential.”

That’s how Carl Foreman Jr. and Anthony Gaskins categorize their new series Frank and Lamar which joins Joe Schiappa’s Sport Court in the latest wave of new series available now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. To better acquaint you with the newbies, we went right to the creators for their candid POVs. And they did not disappoint. Here are snippets of their interviews:

Frank and Lamar


IFC: How would you describe Frank and Lamar to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Carl: Best bros from college live and work together teaching at a fancy Manhattan private school, valiantly trying to transition into a more mature phase of personal and professional life while clinging to their boyish ways.

IFC: And to a friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Carl: The same way, slightly less coherent.

Anthony: I’d probably speak about it with much louder volume, due to the bar which would probably be playing the new Kendrick Lamar album. I might also include additional jokes about Carl, or unrelated political tangents.

Carl: He really delights in randomly slandering me for no reason. I get him back though. Our rapport on the page, screen, and in real life, comes out of a lot of that back and forth.

IFC: In what way is Frank and Lamar a poignant series for this moment in time?
Carl: It tells a story I feel most people aren’t familiar with, having young black males teach in a very affluent white world, while never making it expressly about that either. Then in tackling their personal lives, we see these three-dimensional guys navigate a pivotal moment in time from a perspective I feel mainstream audiences tend not to see portrayed.

Anthony: I feel like Frank and Lamar continues to push the envelope within the genre by presenting interesting and non stereotypical content about people of color. The fact that this show brought together so many talented creative people, from the cast and crew to the producers, who believe in the project, makes the work that much more intentional and truthful. I also think it’s pretty incredible that we got to employ many of our friends!

Sport Court

Sport Court gavel

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Joe: SPORT COURT follows Judge David Linda, a circuit court judge assigned to handle an ad hoc courtroom put together to prosecute rowdy fan behavior in the basement of the Hartford Ultradome. Think an updated Night Court.

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Joe: Remember when you put those firecrackers down that guy’s pants at the baseball game? It’s about a judge who works in a court in the stadium that puts you in jail right then and there. I know, you actually did spend the night in jail, but imagine you went to court right that second and didn’t have to get your brother to take off work from GameStop to take you to your hearing.

IFC: Is there a method to your madness when coming up with sports fan faux pas?
Joe: I just think of the worst things that would ruin a sporting event for everyone. Peeing in the slushy machine in open view of a crowd seemed like a good one.

IFC: Honestly now, how many of the fan transgressions are things you’ve done or thought about doing?
Joe: I’ve thought about ripping out a whole row of chairs at a theater or stadium, so I would have my own private space. I like to think of that really whenever I have to sit crammed next to lots of people. Imagine the leg room!

Check out the full seasons of Frank and Lamar and Sport Court now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”

Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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GIFS via Giphy

On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”

But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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