DID YOU READ

The top 10 badass line deliveries by movie ladies

The top 10 badass line deliveries by movie ladies (photo)

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Even the best-choreographed beat-down scene in a film can benefit from a one-two-punch of witty dialogue right before the fists start flying. A few actors try to make these scenes work in theaters every summer, but even the best leading men in Hollywood don’t have to wear heels when they rumble.

Today, we salute the women who make armies run away, dish smack-talk right back at barroom bullies and wield heavy, bullet-loaded machinery with finesse. They stand up for their countries, their friends and even the human race. For that, we thank them and rank them as both brawlers and eloquent speakers.

(Note: we tried to find video clips of the quotes in question for as many of these as possible, but a couple weren’t available. In those cases, a trailer was substituted.)

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10. Milla Jovovich in “The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc” (1999)

Jovovich can be a one-woman Special Forces unit when she needs to be in a role, but her speech in front of the British army in “The Messenger” is brilliant because you can tell that Joan of Arc is scared out of her gauntlets to be riding up to speak to the enemy…and she does it anyway.

“I’ve seen enough blood,” she says. “But if you want more, I can’t stop you. I can only warn you that it will be your blood, not ours.” If you know your history or this film, you know what the British decided to do.


9. Angelina Jolie in “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” (2001)
Jolie is an evergreen pick for any list of leading ladies capable of dishing out hard fists and well-placed bullets. “Tomb Raider” gave her some memorable lines, as well as a killer accent, though, particularly when she verbally jousts with her charismatic competitor, Manfred Powell (Iain Glen).

Giving away her entire plan, she asks him, “Why would I try and cheat you out of anything, now? I need you to get the piece so I can steal it from you later.”


8. Hilary Swank in “Million Dollar Baby” (2004)
Swank deservedly received an Oscar for her performance as Maggie Fitzgerald, floating around the boxing ring and letting her fists fly. She’s at her finest talking back to her character’s mother (Margo Martindale), though. After winning enough money to buy her old lady a house, the ungrateful woman still resents Maggie.

Maggie lays down the law to her, however, and says, “Momma, you take Mardell and JD and get home ‘fore I tell that lawyer there that you were so worried about your welfare you never signed those house papers like you were supposed to. So anytime I feel like it I can sell that house from under your fat, lazy, hillbilly ass.”


7. Carrie-Ann Moss in “The Matrix” (1999)
Neo never would have been anything if it weren’t for Trinity (Moss) showing him the ropes in The Matrix. She pulled of some wicked stunts in her shades and boots, but she really shines when Neo find himself on the wrong side of a gun, opposite an Agent.

Trinity pulls out her own gun with simple “Dodge this!” to warn the guy about the shot she’s about to send through his head.


6. Natalie Portman in “Leon: The Professional” (1994)
Portman seemed destined for greatness after playing 12-year-old Mathilda alongside Jean Reno. The girl seems understandably vulnerable after her parents are killed, but her rage starts to show when she asks Leon (Reno) to teach her “how to clean.” She tells him straight up what she wants when she asks him, “How much would it cost to hire someone to get those dirtbags who killed my brother?


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New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

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IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon.

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number!

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time.

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by.

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IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo.

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim.

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t?

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?”

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud.

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

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Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

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Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

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And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

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Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

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Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

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Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

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Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

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Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

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If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.