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Onion News Network Poll Finds Majority of Americans Will Vote for Ashton Kutcher in 2012

Onion News Network Poll Finds Majority of Americans Will Vote for Ashton Kutcher in 2012 (photo)

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Analysts Say The “Two And A Half Men” Star Could Easily Win Presidency

NEW YORK, NY – September 22, 2012 – Following record-breaking ratings for Ashton Kutcher’s premiere on CBS’s “Two And A Half Men” this week, a surprising new poll conducted by the Onion News Network finds the majority of Americans plan to vote for the actor in the 2012 presidential election.

Of more than 4,000 people polled, over 64% said they would cast their ballots for Mr. Kutcher, citing his hair, eyes, and smile among his qualifications for the office of President. “[Kutcher] is funny and cute,” said one respondent, voicing a common sentiment among those polled, “He should totally be president.”

Political analysts have expressed shock at the findings, noting that Mr. Kutcher is not a politician, nor is he even running for President. “We have never seen a non-candidate lead by such a huge margin. It makes absolutely no sense,” said senior Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland. “Ashton Kutcher? For president? He’s… I mean. What?”

Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez called the findings “bizarre and nonsensical” but admitted that Mr. Kutcher does appear to have a better shot at winning the White House than any current candidate. “He has more Twitter followers than CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News combined. His TV show has pulled in 28 million viewers. I don’t understand it personally, but it’s clear this nation is his for the taking if he wants it,” Ms. Alvarez said.

While Mr. Kutcher has no stated plans for the economy, foreign policy, healthcare reform, the environment, or any other issue, the poll suggests his easygoing frat-boy persona and washboard abs more than make up for those weaknesses in the minds of voters. “He was soooo funny on “That 70s Show”,” 52-year-old unemployed former Detroit autoworker Ron Mikalowski told pollsters. “Plus he just seems nice. I’d vote for him for President, or mayor, or CEO, or anything really.” When asked if he believed Mr. Kutcher could put him back to work, Mr. Mikalowski replied by describing an episode of Mr. Kutcher’s show hidden-camera prank show “Punk’d” in which rapper Lil’ Bow Wow was led to believe he had lost some jewelry.

The poll is already affecting the political field. In an apparent bid to appeal to Ashton Kutcher’s base of supporters, Mitt Romney arrived at a campaign stop in Iowa today wearing a sideways trucker cap. Michelle Bachmann, meanwhile, has begun Tweeting constantly about football, video games she can play on her phone, and things she is currently eating.

Mr. Kutcher may face some stiff competition in the race for the White House, however. The poll showed a bag of Cheetos seen in numerous TV commercials also receiving widespread voter support.

Mr. Kutcher is expected to respond to the polling data in a press conference scheduled tomorrow afternoon on the set of “Two And A Half Men.”

For more from the Onion News Network, follow us on Twitter @ONN

The second season of “Onion News Network” premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm ET / 9 CT

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”


Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”


But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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Draught Pick

Sam Adams “Keeps It Brockmire”

All New Brockmire airs Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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From baseball to beer, Jim Brockmire calls ’em like he sees ’em.

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It’s no wonder at all, then, that Sam Adams would reach out to Brockmire to be their shockingly-honest (and inevitably short-term) new spokesperson. Unscripted and unrestrained, he’ll talk straight about Sam—and we’ll take his word. Check out this new testimonial for proof:

See more Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC, presented by Samuel Adams. Good f***** beer.

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