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Jason Statham’s YouTube Greatest Hits

Jason Statham’s YouTube Greatest Hits (photo)

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This is what I love about “Killer Elite.” If you’d never seen a poster or a trailer for this movie, and I came up to you and asked you to guess the movie’s star based on title alone, you would say Jason Statham. Who else could it be? A few years ago, maybe The Rock, but that was before he started working almost exclusively in kiddie pics. These days, Statham is literally Hollywood’s killer elite.

His movies may not be particularly surprising, but they are reliable. We count on him to deliver the action goods, and if you read my “Killer Elite” review earlier today, you know he’s done it again. To honor your favorite balding badass and mine, we’ve compiled a few of his finest moments that have turned up on YouTube. True, we weren’t able an embeddable version of his “Crank 2” Godzilla fight. But he’s Statham; there’s plenty more where that came from.

The Transp-oil-rter
From “The Transporter” (2002)
Directed by Corey Yuen

Almost a decade later, this may still be Jason Statham’s best movie fight. It’s certainly the most clever and the most hilariously homoerotic (although this rumble-slash-striptease from “Transporter 3” comes close on both counts). It’s the Tao of Statham: when life gives you motor oil, make yourself a pair of skates using bike pedals and kick people with them. I’m not entirely sure how the bike pedals actually keep professional transporter Frank Martin from slipping. I just chalk it up to Statham’s near-supernatural powers in action movies. Some dudes can walk on water; Statham can skate on oil.


The Statham Kill Count
From “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” (2006)
Directed by Uwe Boll

Remember that scene in “Hot Shots! Part Deux” where the movie starts counting Topper Harley’s dozens of kills? That’s basically the idea behind this YouTube clip, only it’s not a joke — well, I guess the clip is still a joke, but the movie isn’t. All right so the movie — yet another of Uwe Boll’s disastrous video game adaptations — is sort of a joke too, but at least Jason Statham’s performance isn’t. Indeed in the midst of a cinematic disaster that would claim most of his co-stars (poor Ray Liotta!), Statham rose above. 60 murders in 127 minutes! That’s impressive.


“This, lads, is a hurley.”
From “Blitz” (2011)
Directed by Elliott Lester

Statham’s Detective Sergeant Tom Brant is introduced in “Blitz” spotting a carjacking in process from his flat window. He grabs a wooden stick and heads downstairs to break it up. Now I would have assumed the stick he uses to beat up the thieves was a field hockey stick, but Statham clears that misconception up for us. “This, lads,” he says by way of an introduction, “is a hurley, used in the Irish game of hurling. Cross between hockey and murder.” According to the rules, players use their hurleys to hit a ball called a silotar into an opponent’s goal; or, according to Jason Statham, players use their hurley and disable as many carjackers as they can before the opening credits. Either way, I never would have known about hurley without learning it in “Blitz. See that? Jason Statham movies: educational.


Jason Statham Hates Basketball (In German)
From “The Expendables” (2010)
Directed by Sylvester Stallone

More Statham with sports equipment! A meme is forming before our very eyes. In general, Sylvester Stallone’s “The Expendables” did not live up to the hype as the ultimate action movie (it also didn’t live up to its name as a movie about expendable people, but that’s a conversation for another time). The clear highlight amongst the crew was, of course, Statham, who had a memorable moment sniping guys from the nose of a low-flying airplane and this great fight scene on a basketball court, where our man enunciates an emasculating beatdown by metaphorically deflating a woman beater’s balls. I can’t wait to see “The Expendables 2” where Statham completes his sports equipment brawl trilogy by tossing a man through the air with a jai alai xistera. Why include the clip in German? Why not. Does the dialogue even matter?


Topless Pull-ups
From “Death Race” (2008)
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson

Jason Statham’s back muscles scare me. I’m pretty sure he had a few of them implanted, because I don’t think my body has half those things. They look like a bunch of prehensile tumors, like something out of a David Cronenberg movie. That back could beat any man’s front.


What’s your favorite Jason Statham movie? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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GIFs via Giphy

Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Mirror, Mirror

Portlandia Season 7 In Hindsight

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available Online and on the IFC App.

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Another season of Portlandia is behind us, and oh what a season it was. We laughed. We cried. And we chuckled uncomfortably while glancing nervously around the room. Like every season before it, the latest Portlandia has held a mirror up to ridiculousness of modern American life, but more than ever that same mirror has reflected our social reality in ways that are at once hysterical and sneakily thought-provoking. Here are just a few of the issues they tackled:

Nationalism

So long, America, Portland is out! And yes, the idea of Portland seceding is still less ludicrous than building a wall.

Men’s Rights

We all saw this coming. Exit gracefully, dudes.

Protests

Whatever you stand for, stand for it together. Or with at least one other person.

Free Love

No matter who we are or how we love, deep down we all have the ability to get stalky.

Social Status

Modern self-esteem basically hinges on likes, so this isn’t really a stretch at all.

These moments are just the tip of the iceberg, and much more can be found in the full seventh season of #Portlandia, available right now #online and on the #IFC app.

via GIPHY

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