A movie theater etiquette manifesto (slightly revised)

A movie theater etiquette manifesto (slightly revised) (photo)

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I have always loved going to the movies. And more and more I hate going to the movie theater.

What happened to the movie theater as a haven, a refuge from the problems of the outside world? These days going to the movies is a more stressful experience than real life.

That’s not the way it should be. And it needs to stop.

That is why I wrote this blog post and the accompanying petition that you can find at PetitionOnline.com. Read it, and if you agree with me, please sign it. Will it change anything? Probably not. But this has been driving me crazy for months. I have to do something. If you see a movie with me, I can promise you that I, at least, will be following these rules. And if you see a movie with me and you don’t follow these rules, I might give you a piece of my mind.

We, the undersigned, in order to improve the moviegoing experience for all theater patrons, pledge to:

1. Shut Our Mouths. Talking is permitted up to and including the trailers (we, the undersigned, also pledge to make fun of anyone who shushes people for talking over the MovieTickets.com ad). After that, we will be quiet. Valid exceptions: midnight movies and any film starring Nicolas Cage.

2. Turn Off Our Cell Phones When the Movie Starts. And on the off-chance we have a job that requires us to leave our phone on, we, the undersigned, pledge to sit in the back row of the theater so no one behind us is disturbed when we check it (please note: fantasy football manager does not qualify as a job that demands you leave your phone on).

3. Never Bring a Baby To An R-Rated Movie. Do you know why your baby is crying? Because it’s 10:30 at night and you’re forcing it to watch a man with knives for fingers use a naked woman as a whetstone.

4. Never Bring Loud, Stinky Food Into the Theater. This is the rule about outside food: nothing crunchy, nothing smelly. The worst possible thing you can bring to a movie (besides, y’know, a weapon) is Chinese takeout. People who bring Chinese takeout in crackly plastic containers should receive one warning. A second violation gets you a lifetime ban.

5. Sit Directly In Front of Someone Only When There Are No Other Seats Available. Only a-holes sit directly in front of someone they don’t know just because they “like” that seat.

6. Leave a Buffer Seat Between Ourselves and Strangers Whenever Possible. Only psychopaths sit immediately next to a stranger when they can sit somewhere else. True story: one time a guy sat down directly next to we, the undersigned, in a theater with dozens of empty seats. He wore his sunglasses through the entire film and occasionally turned and stared at we for minutes at a time. We, the undersigned, promise never to be that guy.

7. Never Put Our Crap On a Seat And Pretend We’re Holding It For Someone Just So No One Sits Next To Us. Genuine seat saving is totally acceptable. Fake seat saving so you have extra space to stretch out is a dick move.

8. Throw Our Garbage On the Floor. The movie theater is the only public space in the world where it is socially acceptable to act like a pig. That is the way it has always been, that is the way it always shall be. We, the undersigned, vow that no matter how many times multiplexes include “Please Throw Away Your Trash” messages in their pre-show entertainment, we will continue to ignore them.

8a. (In Moderation.) We, the undersigned, do enjoy being pigs, and tend to think a clean auditorium is the responsibility of the theater staff, not the customers. But we, the undersigned, also recognize that it’s hypocritical to expect others to change their bad habits and not change our own. So we, the undersigned, will moderate our mess (and, really, if you needed someone to tell you not to pour Coke on the floor of a movie theater, maybe movie theater etiquette isn’t your biggest problem). We, the undersigned, will clean up after ourselves as a concession, with the understanding that movie theater owners have just as much to fix as movie theatergoers, and they should expect their own manifesto/petition in the future. (NOTE: PetitionOnline doesn’t permit after-the-fact changes, so byrule 8a will not appear there.)


We, The Undersigned, People Who Truly Love Going to the Movies

Ready to take our pledge? Want to suggest other parts for the manifesto? Comment below or on Facebook and Twitter. And don’t forget to sign the petition at PetitionOnline!

David Krumholtz Harold and Kumar

Goldstein Rules

David Krumholtz’s 10 Funniest Movie Roles

David Krumholtz stops by Comedy Bang! Bang! tonight at 11P.

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If you’ve seen David Krumholtz in Gigi Does It, then you know he’s a performer with serious range. It’s hard to believe the guy you loved in films like Harold & Kumar and 10 Things I Hate About You is under all that makeup. To help get you ready for David’s appearance on this week’s Comedy Bang! Bang!, check out some of his funniest movie performances below.

10.The Santa Clause, Bernard the Elf

Walt Disney Pictures

Krumholtz was a memorable part of the Tim Allen holiday favorite, playing an overworked, Type A elf just trying to keep the North Pole moving.

9. Slums of Beverly Hills, Ben

Krumholtz played the Broadway bound brother of a rapidly developing Natasha Lyonne in this indie darling.

8. The Big Ask, Andrew

Krumholtz’s friends would do anything for him…well, almost anything, in this dark comedy about big favors.

7. Addams Family Values, Joel Glicker

Neurotic Joel Glicker didn’t have much going for him, but sometimes the right amount of desperation can be attractive. Just ask Wednesday Addams.

6. Serenity, Mr. Universe

Krumholtz supplied some comedic relief to Joss Whedon’s space Western as a hacker who’s funny right up until the moment he breaks your heart.

5. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Schwartzberg

Columbia Pictures

Columbia Pictures

Krumholtz shines almost as much as his staches and ‘dos in this cult classic send up of musician biopics.

4. This Is the End, David Krumholtz

Krumholtz got to play one of his funniest parts ever in this Seth Rogen/James Franco comedy as, well, David Krumholtz.

3. Superbad, Benji Austin

Krumholtz wanted Michael Cera to sing him a little song, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Maybe that had something to do with all the cocaine.

2. 10 Things I Hate About You, Michael

Touchstone Pictures

Krumholtz became an icon for a generation when he allowed Andrew Keegan to draw a male member on his face in this teen classic.

1. Harold and Kumar trilogyGoldstein

Little did we know that Goldstein’s search for Katie Homes’ nude scenes would launch one of Krumholtz’s most beloved characters, popping up in all three Harold & Kumar movies.

Kurtwood Smith 1920

That '70s Mofo

5 Movies That Prove Kurtwood Smith Is a National Treasure

Catch Kurtwood Smith on That '70s Show airing now on IFC.

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Believe it or not, veteran character actor Kurtwood Smith has a warm, endearing smile. It just took audiences over a decade to actually see him in a role that didn’t focus on his ability to scare children with his villainous gaze and determined grin. Thanks to That ’70s Show, we now associate him most as Red Forman, the curmudgeonly but loveable father to Eric Forman and patriarch to the gang of burnouts who hung out in his basement. Smith has had a long career of playing characters that weren’t always as soft and cuddly as Red Forman. Here are five of the most memorable Kurtwood Smith roles in which he didn’t have to hilariously teach a “foreign kid” to stop saying “Amedica.”

1. Flashpoint (1984)

Flashpoint may be a forgotten thriller from 1984 starring Kris Kristofferson and Treat Williams as border cops who find a dead body and a ton of cash, but Kurtwood Smith shines in a role as a crooked federal agent. This character is as sinister a son-of-a-bitch as they come, with contempt practically oozing out from his eyes. You are more likely to find a VHS copy of Flashpoint at a random flea market than catch it on Netflix, but take a look at just how good he is at being a bad guy as he delivers a John Malkovich-level performance.

2. Robocop (1987)

Clarence Boddiker, the villain Smith played in Robocop, is still remembered fondly by sci-fi fans for the Jack Nicholson-like glee that he displayed for causing mayhem and inflicting pain. Any scene that has Kurtwood Smith entering a room delivering the line “B–ches leave!,” and ends with him pulling a grenade pin out with his mouth, then killing a coked-up ‘80s yuppie, will surely elevate a film’s cult status.

3. Dead Poets Society (1989)

Red Forman might have had a hard time expressing outward displays of affection for his son Eric, but compared to Mr. Perry in Dead Poets Society, he’s a regular Phil Dunphy. To say this character was chilling is an understatement. Smith nailed the cold detachment of a father determined to make his son live the life he was being groomed for. If you haven’t seen Dead Poets Society, in the words of Red Forman, what are you waiting for, “dumbass”???

4. Citizen Ruth (1996)

Smith got the chance to act in Alexander Payne’s first movie, a dark comedy in which Laura Dern’s Ruth plays a poor pregnant woman who likes to huff paint and gets mixed up with both sides of the abortion debate. Norm Stoney (Smith) and his wife enjoy nothing more on a beautiful day than to take the kids down to the free clinic, scarf a box of donuts and shout “murderer” at the people entering the building. A still relevant satire, the film gave Smith the chance to display his comedic chops before That ’70s Show. Though we doubt that Red would’ve let a “dirty hippy” like Ruth stay in his home.

5. True Believer (1989)

Smith shines as a no-nonsense prosecutor in this underrated crime thriller where James Woods and Robert Downey Jr. attempt to defend a man wrongfully accused of a gang murder.

That 70s show

Must Scream TV

10 Spooktacular Halloween TV Episodes

Catch That '70s Show Mondays and Tuesdays 6-11P on IFC.

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A great Halloween episode is like terrific fan fiction. Our beloved characters are thrust into a spooky predicament beyond their normal scope of storylines while wearing garish outfits and fearing for their lives. The annual tradition on-screen is a reflection of the holiday’s appeal in real life: A chance to see the familiar skew towards the garish and macabre.

Fun, scary, and memorable, here are the 10 best Halloween episodes of all time.

10. That ’70s Show, “Halloween”

that 70s halloween

The siren song of an abandoned building on Halloween lures the That ’70s Show gang to their burned-out grammar school where they discover their old permanent records. Secrets and backstories are revealed, such as Jackie’s middle name, Kelso’s real age, and an act of vandalism committed by a 7-year-old Eric which followed Hyde around his entire life.

9. Freaks and Geeks, “Tricks and Treats”

freaks and geeks

freaks and geeks halloween

Expertly capturing the dilemma of kids too old to trick-or-treat but too young for drunken holiday revelry (legally, at least), Freaks and Geeks brings us back to the youthful pursuit of making the most out of Halloween. Wannabe freak Lindsay opts for petty vandalism while Sam and his geeky pals are humiliated by their costumed rounds through the neighborhood. On the plus side, Bill makes a very stately Bionic Woman.

8. Quantum Leap, “The Boogieman”

Quantum leap goat
Leaping into a horror writer’s life in 1964, Sam plays detective as the people around him start dying, Al’s not quite himself, and a goat keeps appearing. The grisly plot culminates to a legitimately unsettling climax that’s as scary as it is funny (seriously, it’s hard to describe) and we find out the neighborhood boy goes on to become somebody very familiar.

7. Cheers, “Bar Wars V: The Final Judgement”



On Halloween, the bar’s longtime rivalry with Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern is curiously called off when Gary reveals his heart can’t take it — literally. But Sam, not buying the medical diagnosis, stages an elaborate (and in reality, logistically impossible) prank involving Carla’s holographic head that may have caused Gary to kick the bucket. (There’s a humorous callback to this episode in the following season’s “Bar Wars” episode.)

6. Amazing Stories, “Mummy Daddy”

Over a decade before Wes Craven upended horror movie tropes with Scream, this episode of the tragically short-lived Steven Spielberg-produced anthology series blurs the line between myth and Hollywood when an actor playing a mummy is pursued by (and mistaken for) an actual mummy. Pure pulp fun if only for the image of a mummy riding horseback.

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Fear, Itself”

Buffy halloween
Mixing a little Scarecrow villainry into the Whedonverse, this episode has Buffy and the gang attending a Halloween frat party where a demon that feeds on fear subjects everyone to their greatest nightmares. A delightful writing exercise that exposes each character’s weaknesses and doubts, “Fear, Itself” is prime Buffy entertainment.

4. MacGyver, “Halloween Knights”

CBS Television

CBS Television/ABC

Less of an episode of television than a convergence of all things great, MacGyver is coerced into joining forces with longtime nemesis and super-assassin Murdoc when his former hitman employers kidnap his sister and threaten to execute her at a posh Halloween party. Complete with a booby-trapped funhouse and thinly veiled references to Raiders of the Lost Ark, this is hands down one of the greatest episodes from the series.

3. Roseanne, “BOO!”

Roseanne halloween

Kicking off an annual tradition of Halloween with the Conners, “BOO!” from season two of Roseanne showcases the family’s obsession with the holiday and the lengths to which they celebrate it. For a family just scraping by and the viewers who watch them, it’s a cathartic outlet and an excuse to let freak flags fly. And from the first holiday go-around, it’s instantly clear the show will do it again and again.

2. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia“Who Got Dee Pregnant?”



Narrowly edging out season eight’s stellar, McPoyle-infested “Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre,” season six’s “Who Got Dee Pregnant?” represents the very best of the Paddy’s Pub crew. Dee reveals she’s pregnant and the gang engage in drunken flashbacks Rashomon-style to determine who the father could be. Featuring the sexual exploits of the always-awesome Artemis, as well as Frank dressed as the canon-busting Man-Spider, “Who Got Dee Pregnant?” is top-notch.

1. The Simpsons“Treehouse of Horror V”

Simpsons Shining

Picking your favorite child would be far easier than picking your favorite Simpsons Halloween special — though they tend to be earlier seasons, don’t they? However, “Treehouse of Horror V” from season six is simply too fantastic to be topped. Between the classic Shining parody, Homer’s time-traveling advice from his father on his wedding night, and Groundskeeper Willie constantly getting an axe in the back, you can’t find a better way to ring in October 31st than this half hour.

Missed Comedy Bang! Bang!’s Rocky Horror-tastic Halloween blowout? Watch it now.

That 70s eric

Attention Eric Fans!

How Well Do You Know Eric From That ’70s Show? Take the Quiz!

Catch That '70s Show Mondays & Tuesdays from 6-11P ET/PT on IFC.

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Eric Forman is the heart of the That ’70s Show gang and the frequent target of his dad Red’s insults. But do you know his roller disco name? Take the quiz below and test your knowledge on all things Eric.


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