Five hilarious anachronisms in “Colombiana”

Five hilarious anachronisms in “Colombiana”  (photo)

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Look, I realize that we call movies like “Colombiana” “big, dumb action films” for a reason: they’re supposed to be kind of stupid. We don’t expect great intellectual insight from a director named Olivier Megaton.

What we do expect is a base level of competence when it comes to logic and continuity, and that base level is just not met in “Colombiana.” Over and over and over again, this film proves itself to be maybe the most anachronistic movie in a decade. It’s so anachronistic, it’s positively anachrotastic. Here’s just five examples I caught; I’m sure there are more. I’ll be getting into a few plot specifics here, so there are some minor SPOILERS ahead.

1. Mini SD cards didn’t exist in 1992.

According to an onscreen title card, “Colombiana” begins in “Colombia – 1992,” where Zoe Saldana’s character, Cataleya, is a Colombian schoolgirl whose parents do wetwork for a drug cartel. Some sort of deal with the parents’ boss goes bad, and the cartel comes gunning for the family. Just before his death, Cataleya’s father gives her a mini SD card full of incriminating information and instructions to deliver it to the US embassy if anything should happen to him. But SD cards, especially little itty bitty ones like the kind Cataleya’s father gives her, didn’t hit the market for another eight years.

The gaffe gets even worse when Cataleya arrives at the embassy and hands over the SD card to one of the US agents, who inserts it into an early-90s IBM PC complete with 5 1/2 inch floppy drive and monochromatic screen. Of course, it reads the SD card no problem. At least he doesn’t stick it into a Zack Morris cell phone and then upload its contents to his Facebook page.

2. Neither did “Xena: Warrior Princess.”

While fleeing to America, Cataleya passes the time by reading “Xena: Warrior Princess” comic books. When she arrives in Chicago, she tells her uncle that she’d always wanted to be like Xena when she grew up. But her parents’ murders have made her rethink her longterm career goals: now assassin for hire seems more her speed. Her uncle’s understandably alarmed by his adorable niece’s bloodlust, but he should be at least a little curious who exactly this Xena lady she keeps talking about is, since Lucy Lawless and her television show (not to mention any spinoff comic books) didn’t premiere until 1995. If little Cataleya really loves Xena, she also really loves her undiagnosed psychic abilities, which could also explain our #3 anachronism…

3. Parkour was apparently invented by an extremely coordinated Colombian child.

True, some early forms of this extreme sport existed decades ago. But parkour didn’t really start kicking (and running and jumping and then rolling and running some more) until the late ’90s, when French gymnast and martial artist David Belle and a few of his cohorts popularized it through a series of documentaries and feature films. Regardless, that doesn’t seem to stop Cataleya — who’s maybe 10 years old at the time, mind you — from going into a full-on parkour chase scene through a Colombian favela to escape her parents’ killers. To top it off, all the dudes chasing her appear to know parkour too! We’ve already established that she’s a psychic, but where’d they learn this stuff? Isn’t it obvious? They’re time travelling drug lords.

4. President Obama? Not the President when the movie takes place.

After Cataleya lands in America, the film jumps ahead fifteen years. Which, if my math is correct, dates the rest of the movie to the year 2007. Which, if my memory is correct, is at least a year before Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. Why, then, does the evil CIA Agent working with the Colombian cartel have Obama’s official presidential portrait on his wall? Here I think we’re looking at a situation involving time travelling, and also some kind of Super PAC.

5. Michael Vartan’s iPhone is from the future.

True, the first iPhone was released by Apple in mid-2007 — but not the model Vartan’s sporting in the film, which looks to me like a second generation iPhone 3G. Let’s just be thankful he didn’t start free running after Cataleya when she gets pissed at him for taking a picture of her with it.

Did you spot any other “Colombiana” anachronisms? Tell us about them in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter.

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Bro and Tell

BFFs And Night Court For Sports

Bromance and Comeuppance On Two New Comedy Crib Series

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“Silicon Valley meets Girls meets black male educators with lots of unrealized potential.”

That’s how Carl Foreman Jr. and Anthony Gaskins categorize their new series Frank and Lamar which joins Joe Schiappa’s Sport Court in the latest wave of new series available now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. To better acquaint you with the newbies, we went right to the creators for their candid POVs. And they did not disappoint. Here are snippets of their interviews:

Frank and Lamar


IFC: How would you describe Frank and Lamar to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Carl: Best bros from college live and work together teaching at a fancy Manhattan private school, valiantly trying to transition into a more mature phase of personal and professional life while clinging to their boyish ways.

IFC: And to a friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Carl: The same way, slightly less coherent.

Anthony: I’d probably speak about it with much louder volume, due to the bar which would probably be playing the new Kendrick Lamar album. I might also include additional jokes about Carl, or unrelated political tangents.

Carl: He really delights in randomly slandering me for no reason. I get him back though. Our rapport on the page, screen, and in real life, comes out of a lot of that back and forth.

IFC: In what way is Frank and Lamar a poignant series for this moment in time?
Carl: It tells a story I feel most people aren’t familiar with, having young black males teach in a very affluent white world, while never making it expressly about that either. Then in tackling their personal lives, we see these three-dimensional guys navigate a pivotal moment in time from a perspective I feel mainstream audiences tend not to see portrayed.

Anthony: I feel like Frank and Lamar continues to push the envelope within the genre by presenting interesting and non stereotypical content about people of color. The fact that this show brought together so many talented creative people, from the cast and crew to the producers, who believe in the project, makes the work that much more intentional and truthful. I also think it’s pretty incredible that we got to employ many of our friends!

Sport Court

Sport Court gavel

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Joe: SPORT COURT follows Judge David Linda, a circuit court judge assigned to handle an ad hoc courtroom put together to prosecute rowdy fan behavior in the basement of the Hartford Ultradome. Think an updated Night Court.

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Joe: Remember when you put those firecrackers down that guy’s pants at the baseball game? It’s about a judge who works in a court in the stadium that puts you in jail right then and there. I know, you actually did spend the night in jail, but imagine you went to court right that second and didn’t have to get your brother to take off work from GameStop to take you to your hearing.

IFC: Is there a method to your madness when coming up with sports fan faux pas?
Joe: I just think of the worst things that would ruin a sporting event for everyone. Peeing in the slushy machine in open view of a crowd seemed like a good one.

IFC: Honestly now, how many of the fan transgressions are things you’ve done or thought about doing?
Joe: I’ve thought about ripping out a whole row of chairs at a theater or stadium, so I would have my own private space. I like to think of that really whenever I have to sit crammed next to lots of people. Imagine the leg room!

Check out the full seasons of Frank and Lamar and Sport Court now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”

Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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GIFS via Giphy

On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”

But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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