DID YOU READ

Five hilarious anachronisms in “Colombiana”

Five hilarious anachronisms in “Colombiana”  (photo)

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Look, I realize that we call movies like “Colombiana” “big, dumb action films” for a reason: they’re supposed to be kind of stupid. We don’t expect great intellectual insight from a director named Olivier Megaton.

What we do expect is a base level of competence when it comes to logic and continuity, and that base level is just not met in “Colombiana.” Over and over and over again, this film proves itself to be maybe the most anachronistic movie in a decade. It’s so anachronistic, it’s positively anachrotastic. Here’s just five examples I caught; I’m sure there are more. I’ll be getting into a few plot specifics here, so there are some minor SPOILERS ahead.

1. Mini SD cards didn’t exist in 1992.

According to an onscreen title card, “Colombiana” begins in “Colombia – 1992,” where Zoe Saldana’s character, Cataleya, is a Colombian schoolgirl whose parents do wetwork for a drug cartel. Some sort of deal with the parents’ boss goes bad, and the cartel comes gunning for the family. Just before his death, Cataleya’s father gives her a mini SD card full of incriminating information and instructions to deliver it to the US embassy if anything should happen to him. But SD cards, especially little itty bitty ones like the kind Cataleya’s father gives her, didn’t hit the market for another eight years.

The gaffe gets even worse when Cataleya arrives at the embassy and hands over the SD card to one of the US agents, who inserts it into an early-90s IBM PC complete with 5 1/2 inch floppy drive and monochromatic screen. Of course, it reads the SD card no problem. At least he doesn’t stick it into a Zack Morris cell phone and then upload its contents to his Facebook page.

2. Neither did “Xena: Warrior Princess.”

While fleeing to America, Cataleya passes the time by reading “Xena: Warrior Princess” comic books. When she arrives in Chicago, she tells her uncle that she’d always wanted to be like Xena when she grew up. But her parents’ murders have made her rethink her longterm career goals: now assassin for hire seems more her speed. Her uncle’s understandably alarmed by his adorable niece’s bloodlust, but he should be at least a little curious who exactly this Xena lady she keeps talking about is, since Lucy Lawless and her television show (not to mention any spinoff comic books) didn’t premiere until 1995. If little Cataleya really loves Xena, she also really loves her undiagnosed psychic abilities, which could also explain our #3 anachronism…

3. Parkour was apparently invented by an extremely coordinated Colombian child.

True, some early forms of this extreme sport existed decades ago. But parkour didn’t really start kicking (and running and jumping and then rolling and running some more) until the late ’90s, when French gymnast and martial artist David Belle and a few of his cohorts popularized it through a series of documentaries and feature films. Regardless, that doesn’t seem to stop Cataleya — who’s maybe 10 years old at the time, mind you — from going into a full-on parkour chase scene through a Colombian favela to escape her parents’ killers. To top it off, all the dudes chasing her appear to know parkour too! We’ve already established that she’s a psychic, but where’d they learn this stuff? Isn’t it obvious? They’re time travelling drug lords.

4. President Obama? Not the President when the movie takes place.

After Cataleya lands in America, the film jumps ahead fifteen years. Which, if my math is correct, dates the rest of the movie to the year 2007. Which, if my memory is correct, is at least a year before Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. Why, then, does the evil CIA Agent working with the Colombian cartel have Obama’s official presidential portrait on his wall? Here I think we’re looking at a situation involving time travelling, and also some kind of Super PAC.

5. Michael Vartan’s iPhone is from the future.

True, the first iPhone was released by Apple in mid-2007 — but not the model Vartan’s sporting in the film, which looks to me like a second generation iPhone 3G. Let’s just be thankful he didn’t start free running after Cataleya when she gets pissed at him for taking a picture of her with it.

Did you spot any other “Colombiana” anachronisms? Tell us about them in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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