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Ten Avengers who won’t be getting their own Marvel movies any time soon

Ten Avengers who won’t be getting their own Marvel movies any time soon (photo)

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“The Avengers” hits theaters next year, bringing some of Marvel Comics’ most popular superheroes together on one screen. Not only will the film feature solo stars Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, and Hulk, but it will also include characters like Black Widow and Hawkeye whose presence in Marvel’s cinematic universe have been relegated to cameos thus far.

However, those are far from the only members of the Avengers roster that Hollywood can chose from. As one of Marvel’s oldest superhero teams, it’s almost easier to name the Marvel Comics characters who haven’t held an Avengers ID at one point or another.

And while some of the names on the Avengers roster could certainly factor into the upcoming film and future Marvel movies, there are quite a few characters who it’s safe to assume will never make the leap to page to screen.

From a bikini-clad tigress to a time-traveling gunslinger, here are ten Avengers who probably won’t appear in Marvel’s live-action movies.


TIGRA

Introduced back in the early ’70s, Tigra is the name used by superheroine Greer Grant Nelson, a scientist’s assistant who was granted cat-like superhuman powers in a radical experiment. She was later magically transformed into a “Cat Person” with orange fur, tiger stripes, and a tail. While she’s been given the chance to transform back into a human at points, she prefers to hang out in her feline form, usually wearing nothing but a tiny string bikini.

WHY NOT: While there’s certainly room for another female superhero in “The Avengers,” we can’t really see Sam Jackson’s Nick Fury taking this magical tiger lady very seriously.


STARFOX

A red-haired superhero evolved from an alien offshoot of humanity, Starfox is the Avengers codename for Eros, a character created in 1973 by Jim Starlin and Mike Friedrich. Along with possessing the ability to fly, superhuman strength and stamina, and a unique healing ability, Starfox’s primary claim to fame is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of other creatures’ brains. Over the years, he’s used this ability to bed a long list of female superheroes, and eventually found himself on trial for sexual assault, charged with using his powers to seduce a married woman.

WHY NOT: When it comes to “The Avengers,” one lothario (Tony Stark) is probably enough — especially if the alternative is an alien with a sketchy history of sexual offenses.


STINGRAY

Walter Newell is an oceanographer with a special suit that gives him superhuman strength and the ability to swim really, really fast (and glide through the air for short distances). He can also shoot electric blasts from his fingers.

WHY NOT: While the character has his fans, let’s face it: unless there’s a lot of underwater action in “The Avengers,” we probably won’t see Stingray.


DARKHAWK

After teenager Chris Powell found a weird amulet in an abandoned amusement park, he found that he was able to switch bodies with a powerful android and decided to fight crime as the superhero Darkhawk. The character was introduced in the early ’90s and after spending a few years in his own series, he was demoted to occasional cameo status around the Marvel Comics universe — including a brief stint with the West Coast Avengers. His origin is a convoluted mess that’s been rewritten several times over, and while he has a vocal fanbase, he’s never managed to elevate his status beyond C-List hero.

WHY NOT: Even though I’m a fan of Darkhawk, I know it would take at least two hours just to make his backstory begin to make sense to mainstream movie audiences. Sorry, Darkhawk fans…


MACHINE MAN

Created by comics legend Jack Kirby for a comic based on “2001: A Space Odyssey,” Machine Man is a humanoid android superhero who served on the West Coast Avengers for several years before having his membership revoked. The character received a complete revamp at the hands of writer Warren Ellis, and now exists as an obnoxious, beer-fueled employee of S.H.I.E.L.D. He frequently complains about the “fleshy ones” he’s forced to work with, and likes to talk about his “sexy roboty parts.”

WHY NOT: Yeah, there’s probably no need to explain why Machine Man won’t appear in “The Avengers.” Let’s be honest, though: we all secretly want to see him in that movie.


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Hacked In

Funny or Die Is Taking Over

FOD TV comes to IFC every Saturday night.

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We’ve been fans of Funny or Die since we first met The Landlord. That enduring love makes it more than logical, then, that IFC is totally cool with FOD hijacking the airwaves every Saturday night. Yes, that’s happening.

The appropriately titled FOD TV looks like something pulled from public access television in the nineties. Like lo-fi broken-antenna reception and warped VHS tapes. Equal parts WTF and UHF.

Get ready for characters including The Shirtless Painter, Long-Haired Businessmen, and Pigeon Man. They’re aptly named, but for a better sense of what’s in store, here’s a taste of ASMR with Kelly Whispers:

Watch FOD TV every Saturday night during IFC’s regularly scheduled movies.

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Wicked Good

See More Evil

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is on Hulu.

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Okay, so you missed the entire first season of Stan Against Evil. There’s no shame in that, per se. But here’s the thing: Season 2 is just around the corner and you don’t want to lag behind. After all, Season 1 had some critical character development, not to mention countless plot twists, and a breathless finale cliffhanger that’s been begging for resolution since last fall. It also had this:

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The good news is that you can catch up right now on Hulu. Phew. But if you aren’t streaming yet, here’s a basic primer…

Willards Mill Is Evil

Stan spent his whole career as sheriff oblivious to the fact that his town has a nasty curse. Mostly because his recently-deceased wife was secretly killing demons and keeping Stan alive.

Demons Really Want To Kill Stan

The curse on Willards Mill stipulates that damned souls must hunt and kill each and every town sheriff, or “constable.” Oh, and these demons are shockingly creative.

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They Also Want To Kill Evie

Why? Because Evie’s a sheriff too, and the curse on Willard’s Mill doesn’t have a “one at a time” clause. Bummer, Evie.

Stan and Evie Must Work Together

Beating the curse will take two, baby, but that’s easier said than done because Stan doesn’t always seem to give a damn. Damn!

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Beware of Goats

It goes without saying for anyone who’s seen the show: If you know that ancient evil wants to kill you, be wary of anything that has cloven feet.

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Season 2 Is Lurking

Scary new things are slouching towards Willards Mill. An impending darkness descending on Stan, Evie and their cohort – eviler evil, more demony demons, and whatnot. And if Stan wants to survive, he’ll have to get even Stanlier.

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is now streaming right now on Hulu.

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SO EXCITED!!!

Reminders that the ’90s were a thing

"The Place We Live" is available for a Jessie Spano-level binge on Comedy Crib.

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Unless you stopped paying attention to the world at large in 1989, you are of course aware that the ’90s are having their pop cultural second coming. Nobody is more acutely aware of this than Dara Katz and Betsy Kenney, two comedians who met doing improv comedy and have just made their Comedy Crib debut with the hilarious ’90s TV throwback series, The Place We Live.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Dara: It’s everything you loved–or loved to hate—from Melrose Place and 90210 but condensed to five minutes, funny (on purpose) and totally absurd.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Betsy: “Hey Todd, why don’t you have a sip of water. Also, I think you’ll love The Place We Live because everyone has issues…just like you, Todd.”

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IFC: When you were living through the ’90s, did you think it was television’s golden age or the pop culture apocalypse?


Betsy: I wasn’t sure I knew what it was, I just knew I loved it!


Dara: Same. Was just happy that my parents let me watch. But looking back, the ’90s honored The Teen. And for that, it’s the golden age of pop culture. 

IFC: Which ’90s shows did you mine for the series, and why?

Betsy: Melrose and 90210 for the most part. If you watch an episode of either of those shows you’ll see they’re a comedic gold mine. In one single episode, they cover serious crimes, drug problems, sex and working in a law firm and/or gallery, all while being young, hot and skinny.


Dara: And almost any series we were watching in the ’90s, Full House, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life has very similar themes, archetypes and really stupid-intense drama. We took from a lot of places. 

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IFC: How would you describe each of the show’s characters in terms of their ’90s TV stereotype?

Dara: Autumn (Sunita Mani) is the femme fatale. Robin (Dara Katz) is the book worm (because she wears glasses). Candace (Betsy Kenney) is Corey’s twin and gives great advice and has really great hair. Corey (Casey Jost) is the boy next door/popular guy. Candace and Corey’s parents decided to live in a car so the gang can live in their house. 
Lee (Jonathan Braylock) is the jock.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Dara: Because everyone’s feeling major ’90s nostalgia right now, and this is that, on steroids while also being a totally new, silly thing.

Delight in the whole season of The Place We Live right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. It’ll take you back in all the right ways.