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The five-albums test for movies

The five-albums test for movies (photo)

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At The AV Club, Steven Hyden wrote a really interesting piece today calling for a new measurement of excellence in the world of popular music. In addition to judging a band’s “popularity” and “critical respectibility” he suggests you apply “the five-album test” to determine musical greatness. If an artist puts out five great albums in a row, they pass.

“Lots of artists have five or more classic albums (not including EPs or live records), but the ability to string them together back-to-back means being in the kind of zone that’s normally associated with dominant college women’s basketball dynasties.”

It’s a really fun test to apply to music — The Replacements make the cut but The Rolling Stones don’t — which made me think that it would be equally fun to apply it to film. The five-movies test, though, is arguably even harder to pass than the five-albums test.

Many of the usual suspects for title of greatest director in historydon’t even rate. Alfred Hitchcock has four classics back-to-back: “Veritgo,” “North by Northwest,” “Psycho,” and “The Birds,” but unless you’re about to go all Robin Wood on me and hail “Marnie” as a film the equal of those other masterpieces, that’s as close as he gets. Steven Spielberg never does better than two in a row: “Jurassic Park” and “Schindler’s List” are bookended by “Hook” and “The Lost World;” “Raiders” and “E.T.” are surrounded by “1941” and “The Twilight Zone: The Movie.” Then again that last one is an anthology which might not count — anthology films or TV work are probably the directorial equivalent of EPs or live records for musicians. But even if we bypass “Twilight Zone” Spielberg’s next movie is “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.” Not as bad as its reputation, but a great film? No way.

So who does pass the five-movies test? The first guy I thought of was Stanley Kubrick, who not only passes the test, he aces it: “Dr. Strangelove,” “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “A Clockwork Orange,” “Barry Lyndon,” “The Shining,” “Full Metal Jacket,” and “Eyes Wide Shut” make seven great films in a row. Some might disagree on “Barry Lyndon,” though I’d bet a lot of that some have never even seen it. What might be a better argument against Kubrick being the champion of the five-movies test is the fact that he did it over the course of thirty-five years. He never made a dud, but he also spent an inordinate amount of time crafting each movie. If every filmmaker had that luxury, they might make the cut too.

In my opinion, there are a few other guys who pass. Martin Scorsese, definitely (for “The Last Waltz,” “Raging Bull,” “The King of Comedy,” “After Hours,” and “The Color of Money”); Godard as well (“Alphaville,” “Pierrot le Fou,” “Masculin Feminin,” “Made in USA,” “2 or 3 Things I Know About Her”). Tarantino’s in too, if you give him a pass for his part in “Four Rooms” (“Reservoir Dogs,” “Pulp Fiction,” “Jackie Brown,” “Kill Bill Vols. I and II”) and so is Carpenter, if “Elvis” gets ignored because it’s a TV movie (“Assault on Precinct 13,” “Halloween,” “The Fog,” “Escape From New York,” “The Thing”). James Cameron and the Coen Brothers are really close, but you’d have to elevate “True Lies” and “The Hudsucker Proxy” from very good status to great status to pass them, and, as much as I like both those films, I’m not sure that we really can in the interest of absolute fairness.

Other than that, I’m hard pressed to find too many more directors up to the challenge. Francis Ford Coppola has maybe the best four movies in a row of any director ever — “The Godfather,” “The Conversation,” “The Godfather Part II,” and “Apocalypse Now” — but “The Rain People” and “One From the Heart” are never going to be mistaken for masterpieces. I’ve never seen “Home Movies” or “Wise Guys” but I have a feeling they’re not up to the level of craftsmanship on display in the four movies Brian De Palma made in between: “Dressed to Kill,” “Blow Out,” “Scarface,” and “Body Double.” Sergio Leone has the “Dollars” trilogy and “Once Upon a Time in the West” and then “Duck You Sucker.” Peter Bogdanovich has “Targets,” “The Last Picture Show,” “What’s Up Doc?” “Paper Moon” and then “Daisy Miller.” Clint Eastwood has “Mystic River,” “Million Dollar Baby,” two great World War II films and then “Changeling.” Five great movies in a row is really, really hard.

It’s also expensive. If there’s one difference between musicians and directors in this regard it’s that no pop star makes an album for a paycheck. Okay, yes, every album is made for a paycheck. But directors do work-for-hire, and rock bands, for the most part, do not. They may sell a song to a beer commercial, they might appear on an episode of “90210,” but — with the exception of, say, corporately engineered boy bands who wouldn’t factor into this discussion anyway — they don’t make albums without a hefty amount of creative imput. Directors, on the other hand, might, and frequently do; a lot follow the model of “one for me, one for them” because they can’t supplement their income by touring and selling t-shirts. Today indie-minded filmmakers ike Steven Soderbergh take high profile gigs like “Ocean’s Eleven” to off-set the costs of more personal projects like “Bubble.” In the Golden Age, guys like John Ford and Howard Hawks had multipicture contracts with studios, and they couldn’t always control what they were assigned. Doing five great movies in a row requires a certain amount of financial freedom along with creative inspiration.

Of course, I’m sure there are directors I didn’t think of that pass the test, and others I considered but couldn’t let through because I haven’t seen enough of their films (I’ll give you two in particular: Preston Sturges and Yasujiro Ozu. But that’s why this sort of thing is so much fun. It’s the start of the discussion, not the end of it.

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”


Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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GIFS via Giphy

On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”


But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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Draught Pick

Sam Adams “Keeps It Brockmire”

All New Brockmire airs Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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From baseball to beer, Jim Brockmire calls ’em like he sees ’em.

via GIPHY

It’s no wonder at all, then, that Sam Adams would reach out to Brockmire to be their shockingly-honest (and inevitably short-term) new spokesperson. Unscripted and unrestrained, he’ll talk straight about Sam—and we’ll take his word. Check out this new testimonial for proof:

See more Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC, presented by Samuel Adams. Good f***** beer.

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