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The most awkward sex scenes in movies (with video)

The most awkward sex scenes in movies (with video) (photo)

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Nothing can reach the heights (or is it depths?) of awkwardness quite like sex. Here are 11 such embarrassing moments in cinema, from the near-bestiality of “Howard the Duck” to Jason Biggs getting intimate with his mother’s baked goods in “American Pie” to the endless pounding (and yammering) of “Bridesmaids.” Never before has a turn-on seemed so… off.

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Howard the Duck (1986)

A film so appallingly misguided that we’re still waiting for it to be revealed as one big put-upon in the first place (kind of like producer George Lucas’ later “Star Wars” prequels), “Howard the Duck” reaches its lowest low with the would-be sex scene between Cleve-Land rocker chick Lea Thompson and a wisecracking, cigar-chomping alien duck. “Would-be” is enough to send anyone over the edge in this particular situation, though, as it dares to go beyond “Wrong” territory and into borderline bestiality — complete with a few seductive eyebrow-raises from the duck himself. Both fortunately and unfortunately in equal measures, Howard stops Lea before she gets completely naked, suddenly becoming possessed by the audience’s discomfort and outrage and putting a stop to all this before it goes completely batshit insane. Whew, that was close! “Howard, you really are the worst!” says Thompson at one point. Yeah.


Knocked Up (2007)

Having “pregnant sex” has its physical and practical challenges, and “Knocked Up” doesn’t shy away from really getting into the sordid details. The first attempted sexual position between Ben (Seth Rogen) and Alison (Katherine Heigl) has her on her back and him on top — “Just do it!” she exclaims, frustrated, but Ben can’t shake the image of his penis poking their unborn child in the face. Their next attempted position has him on his back and her riding him, but she quickly becomes self-conscious: “I know I look gross… my boobs are all mushy, it’s all like National Geographic.” The third and final attempted position has them on their sides and him doing her from behind; this looks like it might be the answer to all their problems — until he freaks out about feeling the baby kick. “It was a bad kick!” he exclaims, and again goes back to not being able to shake the image of poking the poor kid in the face with his cock. Thank you, Judd Apatow, for showing us the true consequences of a drunken one-night-stand.


Superbad (2007)

The somewhat harrowing sex scene between Becca (Martha MacIsaac) and Evan (Michael Cera) in “Superbad” is a classic example of your first time not being anywhere near how you imagined it would be. Becca is way drunk, and her attempts to arouse her partner with (rather adorable) “dirty talk” just aren’t working. “I’m so wet,” she whispers, to which he responds, “Yeah, they said that would happen… in Health…” It goes on like that for a while: Becca says something she thinks is going to turn the highly dubious scenario into a rousing session of writhing passion, and Evan counters with some sort of nervous hesitation. “I am going to give you the best Blow-J ever… with my mouth!” she squeals; “Why don’t we just kiss a lot?” he responds. “You have such a smooth cock,” she giggles; “Thank you, you would, too, if you were a man… ” This is a truly funny and ultimately heartbreaking scene that ends with her vomiting all over the damn place.


Can’t Hardly Wait (1998)

“Yo, I gotta have sex tonight!” So proclaims Kenny Fisher (Seth Green), aka Special K, a wannabe hip hop artist who vows to lose his virginity at the hottest high school graduation party in town. He’s armed and prepared for the endeavor with “The Love Kit,” a backpack full of sexual assists and enhancements, including but not limited to a “‘Fragrance of Love’-scented candle, bitch! Damn.” Once at the party, Kenny retreats to the bathroom to “get ready” — unfortunately, his warm-up exercises inspired by the writings of the Kama Sutra (another accessory of The Love Kit) lead to an unexpected case of “premature evacuation.” As he struggles to clean up the mess, Denise (Lauren Ambrose), who just had a brownie thrown at her face, enters the bathroom, catches sight of him and… well, this awkward moment becomes even more awkward after the handle on the bathroom door breaks off, locking them both in. They eventually have sex in the bathroom, though, so what started off as a train wreck turned into a home run, didn’t it?


American Pie (1999)

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald’s or homemade?

And you know what happens after that. One of the most bizarre images ever put to film — a teenage boy pleasuring himself with his mother’s homemade apple pie — actually leads to a touching scene of father-son bonding, as Jim’s Dad tries to turn the beyond embarrassing moment into an opportunity to talk man-to-man about this sort of stuff. “I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of… masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. I never did it with baked goods, but you know your Uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake five to six times a day!” Leave it to Jim’s Dad to try to make the most of such a situation. Yeah, this bit of cinematic sexual deviance seems rather tame today, but back in 1999, oh boy was it a doozy.


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New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

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IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon.

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number!

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time.

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by.

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IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo.

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim.

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t?

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?”

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud.

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

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Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

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Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

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And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

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Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

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Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

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Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

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Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

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Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

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If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.