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The most awkward sex scenes in movies (with video)

The most awkward sex scenes in movies (with video) (photo)

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Nothing can reach the heights (or is it depths?) of awkwardness quite like sex. Here are 11 such embarrassing moments in cinema, from the near-bestiality of “Howard the Duck” to Jason Biggs getting intimate with his mother’s baked goods in “American Pie” to the endless pounding (and yammering) of “Bridesmaids.” Never before has a turn-on seemed so… off.

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Howard the Duck (1986)

A film so appallingly misguided that we’re still waiting for it to be revealed as one big put-upon in the first place (kind of like producer George Lucas’ later “Star Wars” prequels), “Howard the Duck” reaches its lowest low with the would-be sex scene between Cleve-Land rocker chick Lea Thompson and a wisecracking, cigar-chomping alien duck. “Would-be” is enough to send anyone over the edge in this particular situation, though, as it dares to go beyond “Wrong” territory and into borderline bestiality — complete with a few seductive eyebrow-raises from the duck himself. Both fortunately and unfortunately in equal measures, Howard stops Lea before she gets completely naked, suddenly becoming possessed by the audience’s discomfort and outrage and putting a stop to all this before it goes completely batshit insane. Whew, that was close! “Howard, you really are the worst!” says Thompson at one point. Yeah.


Knocked Up (2007)

Having “pregnant sex” has its physical and practical challenges, and “Knocked Up” doesn’t shy away from really getting into the sordid details. The first attempted sexual position between Ben (Seth Rogen) and Alison (Katherine Heigl) has her on her back and him on top — “Just do it!” she exclaims, frustrated, but Ben can’t shake the image of his penis poking their unborn child in the face. Their next attempted position has him on his back and her riding him, but she quickly becomes self-conscious: “I know I look gross… my boobs are all mushy, it’s all like National Geographic.” The third and final attempted position has them on their sides and him doing her from behind; this looks like it might be the answer to all their problems — until he freaks out about feeling the baby kick. “It was a bad kick!” he exclaims, and again goes back to not being able to shake the image of poking the poor kid in the face with his cock. Thank you, Judd Apatow, for showing us the true consequences of a drunken one-night-stand.


Superbad (2007)

The somewhat harrowing sex scene between Becca (Martha MacIsaac) and Evan (Michael Cera) in “Superbad” is a classic example of your first time not being anywhere near how you imagined it would be. Becca is way drunk, and her attempts to arouse her partner with (rather adorable) “dirty talk” just aren’t working. “I’m so wet,” she whispers, to which he responds, “Yeah, they said that would happen… in Health…” It goes on like that for a while: Becca says something she thinks is going to turn the highly dubious scenario into a rousing session of writhing passion, and Evan counters with some sort of nervous hesitation. “I am going to give you the best Blow-J ever… with my mouth!” she squeals; “Why don’t we just kiss a lot?” he responds. “You have such a smooth cock,” she giggles; “Thank you, you would, too, if you were a man… ” This is a truly funny and ultimately heartbreaking scene that ends with her vomiting all over the damn place.


Can’t Hardly Wait (1998)

“Yo, I gotta have sex tonight!” So proclaims Kenny Fisher (Seth Green), aka Special K, a wannabe hip hop artist who vows to lose his virginity at the hottest high school graduation party in town. He’s armed and prepared for the endeavor with “The Love Kit,” a backpack full of sexual assists and enhancements, including but not limited to a “‘Fragrance of Love’-scented candle, bitch! Damn.” Once at the party, Kenny retreats to the bathroom to “get ready” — unfortunately, his warm-up exercises inspired by the writings of the Kama Sutra (another accessory of The Love Kit) lead to an unexpected case of “premature evacuation.” As he struggles to clean up the mess, Denise (Lauren Ambrose), who just had a brownie thrown at her face, enters the bathroom, catches sight of him and… well, this awkward moment becomes even more awkward after the handle on the bathroom door breaks off, locking them both in. They eventually have sex in the bathroom, though, so what started off as a train wreck turned into a home run, didn’t it?


American Pie (1999)

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald’s or homemade?

And you know what happens after that. One of the most bizarre images ever put to film — a teenage boy pleasuring himself with his mother’s homemade apple pie — actually leads to a touching scene of father-son bonding, as Jim’s Dad tries to turn the beyond embarrassing moment into an opportunity to talk man-to-man about this sort of stuff. “I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of… masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. I never did it with baked goods, but you know your Uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake five to six times a day!” Leave it to Jim’s Dad to try to make the most of such a situation. Yeah, this bit of cinematic sexual deviance seems rather tame today, but back in 1999, oh boy was it a doozy.


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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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