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Top Five Pop Star Perfumes No One Should Have To Smell

Top Five Pop Star Perfumes No One Should Have To Smell (photo)

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Attaching their name to a perfume and marketing it to their fans is a right of passage for the lamestream pop star. Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Gwen Stefani, JLo, and Hilary Duff all have brands and the list goes on with Justin Bieber boldly joining the female dominated fragrance field.

Lady Gaga is getting into the sicky sweet fumes business too with a fragrance that contains her blood, supposedly feels like semen, and smells like an expensive hooker. The odor, dubbed “Monster” comes out Spring 2012 so you’ll have to satisfy your olfactory needs the old fashioned way until then. In the meantime, here are the top five pop star fragrances we don’t want to smell on you.



5. Hilary Duff — “With love”

When not trying to act, Hilary Duff market’s her scent, “With Love,” which she said inspired her song of the same name. She even carries a giant bottle of it around with her in the video for “With Love,” to spritz on for well-dressed male fans/stalkers.

Smells like: Duff’s fearful musk let loose in a catfight with Faye Dunaway, strong hints of overripe fruit.



4.Mariah Carey — “Lollipop Bling,” “Forever,” “Luscious Pink,” any other fragrance by Mariah Carey

I’ve lost count of how many perfumes Mariah Carey has had concocted with her name on them. Her latest line alone has three different styles, all called “Lollipop Bling,” something — “Honey,” “Mine Again,” etc. The name tells you all you need to know, but just in case, there are dozens of fan-made YouTube videos to wow you. Who buys this stuff? This chick does, “She could put out a line of fragrances that smell like pesticide, and I would still buy it, because it has her name on it,” she reveals.

Smells like: A floriental fruity combo of high fructose corn syrup, bombed Glitter and wet butterflies.



3. Avril Lavigne — “Forbidden Rose”

The twinkly derivative “Harry Potter” sounding score in Avril Lavigne’s “Forbidden Rose” perfume commercial makes it almost appealing… until her voice comes in. At least it makes more sense then what she does in this music video for “What The Hell,” which has her shamelessly spraying tons of her own perfume brand — she can’t stop, she’s having too much fun.

Smells like: Black nail polish, ersatz punk droppings, with notes of jailbait.



2. Britney Spears — “Hold It Against Me”

If Britney Spears doesn’t have quite as many fragrances as Mariah Carey, she makes up with it with sheer tween branding power — not to mention incredibly creative names like “Midnight Fantasy,” “Hidden Fantasy,” and seriously, “Circus Fantasy.” Her newest potion breaks new barriers for her in imaginative titling. Called simply, “Radiance,” she also features it prominently in her video “Hold It Against Me.”

Smells like: A hair scrunchie left on the floor of a Sephora with a cacophony of of gold-plated trailer park and Mouseketeer tears.


1. Justin Bieber — “Someday”

Bieber’s scent promises that, someday, he’ll catch a whiff of you wearing his perfume and then he’ll whisk you away into the clouds where you’ll ride around on his back and he won’t be able to stop smelling your neck. Bieber says his proceeds from the perfume go to charity, but that’s only a portion — the fragrance line is still expected to net Biebs $30 million. Just watch him snarl when he says “charity” in this promo video, it’s not even subtle. You don’t need to be an expert in applied psychology and microexpressions to see his distaste for it.

Smells like: Plastic hearts, Kool-Aid mustache, with a bouquet of hair swoosh and broken teen girl dreams.

Did we miss your favorite scent? Are you huffing some Eau de Biebs right now? Let us know in the comments below or on Twitter or Facebook!

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New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

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IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 

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IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

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Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

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Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

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And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

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Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

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Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

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Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

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Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

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Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

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If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.