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The top 10 obscure Transformers that we’ll never see in a “Transformers” movie

The top 10 obscure Transformers that we’ll never see in a “Transformers” movie (photo)

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“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” has Shockwave, which is awesome. And we think we may have spotted what’s supposed to be Laserbeak in the trailer as well. It’ll be nice to see these two old friends added to the ‘Hey, I used to have that toy!” sightseeing tour that happens with every “Transformers” movie, even if they’re sometimes barely recognizable (uh, that dog-looking thing with the “enemy scrotum” in “Revenge of the Fallen” was supposed to be Devastator?). There are a few Cybertronian pals who will probably never get their own big-screen counterparts, though, if only because even some of the most hardcore Transformers fans can barely remember them. Here are a few such giant robots that will never have sketches faxed to Michael Bay’s office (and the actors who would voice them — you know, just in case).

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10. Twin Twist

The Jumpstarters, Topspin and Twin Twist, were never very popular toys — you pulled them back while in their vehicle modes (a mechanical hang glider and a drill machine, or something, respectively) until they clicked, and upon release they would charge forward for a couple of seconds before “jumping” into their robot modes. They would rarely “jump” into a standing position, though — their constant toppling over made them seem like they were always drunk (much to the chagrin of Optimus Prime, surely). Toy stores were usually always overstocked with the damn things, plus they never appeared in any of the animated series and made only rarely appearances in the comics. Surprisingly, though, Topspin is making an appearance in “Dark of the Moon” (though as what looks to be a completely reinvented character), and there’s so sign of his brother, Twin Twist — which is kind of too bad, as Michael Bay could probably do wonders with a giant alien drill machine thing.

Ideal Voice Actor: Jason Mewes


9. Orion Pax

Orion Pax was a Cybertronian dockworker before the epic war between the Autobots and Decepticons. He was severely damaged during an attack led by Megatron and later rebuilt by Alpha Trion, one of the oldest Transformers, into a mighty Autobot warrior by the name of… Optimus Prime. We’re not sure why the writers of the animated series thought there needed to be a “before he was Optimus” storyline, but there you have it, the moving tale of a mild-mannered working stiff who became the greatest Autobot leader of all time. We are sure, however, that the makers of the “Transformers” movies will ignore this part of Cybertron’s history completely. Alpha Trion had a metal robot beard, by the way.

Ideal Voice Actor: Ed Helms


8. Computron

There are those who would argue that the Technobots would never make an appearance in anything remotely involving Michael Bay simply because they’re some of Cybertron’s most intelligent citizens… and Mr. Bay isn’t exactly known for putting an emphasis on “smarts”. The Technobots — consisting of Scattershot, Afterburner, Lightspeed, Nosecone and Strafe — were a team of brainy warriors that merged into the mighty Computron, the (by default) nerdiest of the Combiner super-robots. Devastator (or that thing that was supposed to be Devastator) made an appearance in “Revenge of the Fallen”, and we have a feeling the Constructicons are going to be the first — and last — Combiner team that we’ll ever see in a “Transformers” movie. Too bad the Autobots will never get to show off one of their gestalts to live-action audiences – and it’s even more of a shame that, even if we did get to see one, it definitely wouldn’t be this over-analyzing, brainiac giant.

Ideal Voice Actor: Frank Welker, though synthesized to sound cool this time, which they forgot to do with Soundwave


7. Xaaron

Xaaron only ever appeared in the “Transformers” comics, a medium which was decidedly much more convoluted and intricate in its Cybertronian mythology than any of the animated series (in other words, the comics would never, ever stoop to something as simplistic as “the Quintessons created the Transformers”). Emirate Xaaron is an old fella, probably even older than Ironhide and Kup — in fact, during the beginning of the Autobot/Decepticon war, it was Xaaron who convinced the Council of Autobot Elders to make Optimus Prime the leader of the Autobot army. After Optimus, Megatron and their respective armies were lost to Earth, Xaaron ended up becoming the leader of the Autobot resistance on Cybertron. He is confident, wise and a bit of a rabble rouser, though by no means a fighter — in fact, he hasn’t transformed into his small attack tank mode in hundreds of years, and to try to do so now could cause such a shock to his system that he could experience permanent shutdown. As we already got the hobbling, farting Jetfire in “Revenge of the Fallen”, we doubt we’ll get another “old” Autobot anytime soon — besides, Mr. Bay and company have seemed so far rather uninterested in any “Cut To’s” to Cybertron goings-on.

Ideal Voice Actor: Ian McKellen


6. Firestar

Hey, where are all the female Transformers, anyway? Well, four million years ago, a whole group of female Autobots, led by Elita One (unfortunate name, that), tried to board the Ark with Optimus Prime and his team of boy Autobots but were supposedly destroyed during a Decepticon attack. They weren’t. They’re alive. And they’re hot! Firestar, Elita One and the rest of the female Autobots continued to enrage the likes of Shockwave and other Decepticons on Cybertron with their robberies and acts of sabotage. Firestar is particularly close with the Autobot known as Inferno (they share that whole fire motif, and they’re both red, so it makes sense), and who knows? Maybe if this crazy Autobot-Decepticon war didn’t keep tearing their attentions away from each other, they could be more than just friends. But alas, there’s no time for that. And there’s no room for Firestar — or any other female Autobot, for that matter — in a “Transformers” movie, ’cause if a lady can’t “arch her back” on cue like Megan Fox can, Michael Bay has little to no interest in her.

Ideal Voice Actor: Mila Kunis


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Bro and Tell

BFFs And Night Court For Sports

Bromance and Comeuppance On Two New Comedy Crib Series

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“Silicon Valley meets Girls meets black male educators with lots of unrealized potential.”

That’s how Carl Foreman Jr. and Anthony Gaskins categorize their new series Frank and Lamar which joins Joe Schiappa’s Sport Court in the latest wave of new series available now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. To better acquaint you with the newbies, we went right to the creators for their candid POVs. And they did not disappoint. Here are snippets of their interviews:

Frank and Lamar

via GIPHY

IFC: How would you describe Frank and Lamar to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Carl: Best bros from college live and work together teaching at a fancy Manhattan private school, valiantly trying to transition into a more mature phase of personal and professional life while clinging to their boyish ways.

IFC: And to a friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Carl: The same way, slightly less coherent.

Anthony: I’d probably speak about it with much louder volume, due to the bar which would probably be playing the new Kendrick Lamar album. I might also include additional jokes about Carl, or unrelated political tangents.

Carl: He really delights in randomly slandering me for no reason. I get him back though. Our rapport on the page, screen, and in real life, comes out of a lot of that back and forth.

IFC: In what way is Frank and Lamar a poignant series for this moment in time?
Carl: It tells a story I feel most people aren’t familiar with, having young black males teach in a very affluent white world, while never making it expressly about that either. Then in tackling their personal lives, we see these three-dimensional guys navigate a pivotal moment in time from a perspective I feel mainstream audiences tend not to see portrayed.

Anthony: I feel like Frank and Lamar continues to push the envelope within the genre by presenting interesting and non stereotypical content about people of color. The fact that this show brought together so many talented creative people, from the cast and crew to the producers, who believe in the project, makes the work that much more intentional and truthful. I also think it’s pretty incredible that we got to employ many of our friends!

Sport Court

Sport Court gavel

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Joe: SPORT COURT follows Judge David Linda, a circuit court judge assigned to handle an ad hoc courtroom put together to prosecute rowdy fan behavior in the basement of the Hartford Ultradome. Think an updated Night Court.

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Joe: Remember when you put those firecrackers down that guy’s pants at the baseball game? It’s about a judge who works in a court in the stadium that puts you in jail right then and there. I know, you actually did spend the night in jail, but imagine you went to court right that second and didn’t have to get your brother to take off work from GameStop to take you to your hearing.

IFC: Is there a method to your madness when coming up with sports fan faux pas?
Joe: I just think of the worst things that would ruin a sporting event for everyone. Peeing in the slushy machine in open view of a crowd seemed like a good one.

IFC: Honestly now, how many of the fan transgressions are things you’ve done or thought about doing?
Joe: I’ve thought about ripping out a whole row of chairs at a theater or stadium, so I would have my own private space. I like to think of that really whenever I have to sit crammed next to lots of people. Imagine the leg room!

Check out the full seasons of Frank and Lamar and Sport Court now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”


Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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GIFS via Giphy

On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”


But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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