DID YOU READ

The top 10 obscure Transformers that we’ll never see in a “Transformers” movie

The top 10 obscure Transformers that we’ll never see in a “Transformers” movie (photo)

Posted by on

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” has Shockwave, which is awesome. And we think we may have spotted what’s supposed to be Laserbeak in the trailer as well. It’ll be nice to see these two old friends added to the ‘Hey, I used to have that toy!” sightseeing tour that happens with every “Transformers” movie, even if they’re sometimes barely recognizable (uh, that dog-looking thing with the “enemy scrotum” in “Revenge of the Fallen” was supposed to be Devastator?). There are a few Cybertronian pals who will probably never get their own big-screen counterparts, though, if only because even some of the most hardcore Transformers fans can barely remember them. Here are a few such giant robots that will never have sketches faxed to Michael Bay’s office (and the actors who would voice them — you know, just in case).

[#10-6]   [#5-1]   [Index]


10. Twin Twist

The Jumpstarters, Topspin and Twin Twist, were never very popular toys — you pulled them back while in their vehicle modes (a mechanical hang glider and a drill machine, or something, respectively) until they clicked, and upon release they would charge forward for a couple of seconds before “jumping” into their robot modes. They would rarely “jump” into a standing position, though — their constant toppling over made them seem like they were always drunk (much to the chagrin of Optimus Prime, surely). Toy stores were usually always overstocked with the damn things, plus they never appeared in any of the animated series and made only rarely appearances in the comics. Surprisingly, though, Topspin is making an appearance in “Dark of the Moon” (though as what looks to be a completely reinvented character), and there’s so sign of his brother, Twin Twist — which is kind of too bad, as Michael Bay could probably do wonders with a giant alien drill machine thing.

Ideal Voice Actor: Jason Mewes


9. Orion Pax

Orion Pax was a Cybertronian dockworker before the epic war between the Autobots and Decepticons. He was severely damaged during an attack led by Megatron and later rebuilt by Alpha Trion, one of the oldest Transformers, into a mighty Autobot warrior by the name of… Optimus Prime. We’re not sure why the writers of the animated series thought there needed to be a “before he was Optimus” storyline, but there you have it, the moving tale of a mild-mannered working stiff who became the greatest Autobot leader of all time. We are sure, however, that the makers of the “Transformers” movies will ignore this part of Cybertron’s history completely. Alpha Trion had a metal robot beard, by the way.

Ideal Voice Actor: Ed Helms


8. Computron

There are those who would argue that the Technobots would never make an appearance in anything remotely involving Michael Bay simply because they’re some of Cybertron’s most intelligent citizens… and Mr. Bay isn’t exactly known for putting an emphasis on “smarts”. The Technobots — consisting of Scattershot, Afterburner, Lightspeed, Nosecone and Strafe — were a team of brainy warriors that merged into the mighty Computron, the (by default) nerdiest of the Combiner super-robots. Devastator (or that thing that was supposed to be Devastator) made an appearance in “Revenge of the Fallen”, and we have a feeling the Constructicons are going to be the first — and last — Combiner team that we’ll ever see in a “Transformers” movie. Too bad the Autobots will never get to show off one of their gestalts to live-action audiences – and it’s even more of a shame that, even if we did get to see one, it definitely wouldn’t be this over-analyzing, brainiac giant.

Ideal Voice Actor: Frank Welker, though synthesized to sound cool this time, which they forgot to do with Soundwave


7. Xaaron

Xaaron only ever appeared in the “Transformers” comics, a medium which was decidedly much more convoluted and intricate in its Cybertronian mythology than any of the animated series (in other words, the comics would never, ever stoop to something as simplistic as “the Quintessons created the Transformers”). Emirate Xaaron is an old fella, probably even older than Ironhide and Kup — in fact, during the beginning of the Autobot/Decepticon war, it was Xaaron who convinced the Council of Autobot Elders to make Optimus Prime the leader of the Autobot army. After Optimus, Megatron and their respective armies were lost to Earth, Xaaron ended up becoming the leader of the Autobot resistance on Cybertron. He is confident, wise and a bit of a rabble rouser, though by no means a fighter — in fact, he hasn’t transformed into his small attack tank mode in hundreds of years, and to try to do so now could cause such a shock to his system that he could experience permanent shutdown. As we already got the hobbling, farting Jetfire in “Revenge of the Fallen”, we doubt we’ll get another “old” Autobot anytime soon — besides, Mr. Bay and company have seemed so far rather uninterested in any “Cut To’s” to Cybertron goings-on.

Ideal Voice Actor: Ian McKellen


6. Firestar

Hey, where are all the female Transformers, anyway? Well, four million years ago, a whole group of female Autobots, led by Elita One (unfortunate name, that), tried to board the Ark with Optimus Prime and his team of boy Autobots but were supposedly destroyed during a Decepticon attack. They weren’t. They’re alive. And they’re hot! Firestar, Elita One and the rest of the female Autobots continued to enrage the likes of Shockwave and other Decepticons on Cybertron with their robberies and acts of sabotage. Firestar is particularly close with the Autobot known as Inferno (they share that whole fire motif, and they’re both red, so it makes sense), and who knows? Maybe if this crazy Autobot-Decepticon war didn’t keep tearing their attentions away from each other, they could be more than just friends. But alas, there’s no time for that. And there’s no room for Firestar — or any other female Autobot, for that matter — in a “Transformers” movie, ’cause if a lady can’t “arch her back” on cue like Megan Fox can, Michael Bay has little to no interest in her.

Ideal Voice Actor: Mila Kunis


[#10-6]   [#5-1]   [Index]

Neurotica_105_MPX-1920×1080

New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

Posted by on

Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

IFC_CC_Neurotica_Series_Image4

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 

Neurotica_series_image_1

IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

Posted by on
Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

via GIPHY

Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

via GIPHY

And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

PL_409_MPX-1920×1080

Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

Posted by on
GIFs via Giffy

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

via GIPHY

Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

via GIPHY

Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

via GIPHY

Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

via GIPHY

Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

via GIPHY

If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.