DID YOU READ

How “Soul Calibur” Keeps Its Boobs Breast in Show

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“Soul Calibur” represents a near-perfect Platonic ideal for fighting game fans. Namco’s medieval martial arts series boasts a deep level of complexity with hundreds of moves, counters and specials for dozens of characters yet remains accessible enough for new players to have fun and be competitive.

But there’s another thing that “Soul Calibur” is known for and that’s the magical undulation of its female characters’ mammaries. Video games get justifiably knocked on their objectification of the female form but “Soul Calibur” has always been particularly egregious. I remember playing the earliest version of the fighting franchise (in its incarnation as “Soul Edge” on the first PlayStation) and marveling at the action in female ninja Taki’s balcony. There’s nothing very stealthy about that, I thought then.

It’s not just “Soul Calibur,” either. Breast physics are a THING in the fighting game category, for some odd reason. Just look at Tecmo’s “Dead or Alive” games.) Maybe the ability to focus past the breast acrobatics separates men from the boys. Or, it’s a way to show off how programmers implement the processing power of a particular platform. Shiny textures and dynamic lighting are one thing, but boobs that move like they’re on a perpetual trampoline?! That’s technical know-how!

Anyway, no matter how offended or pleasured you’ve felt watching Ivy’s knockers bounce as she beats your ass with a whip-sword, it never seemed like there was any rhyme or reason to the size or attributes of girl characters’ chests. Clearly, the collective lizard brain of the mostly male development teams kicked in and locked in on the uncomplicated idea of ‘big and bouncy.’ But, a tweet today from a member of the “Soul Calibur” dev team reveals that there is in fact A SYSTEM WITH RULES. This changes everything. A breast size canon means that it’s not just casual repressed-male objectification at work. No, the idea that there’s something systemic about boob physics makes the whole thing feel less grindhouse and more programmatically sleazy. Like, “Make sure Sophitia’s rack is no more than 86 CM.”

The worst part about this stuff isn’t how it undercuts video games’ grasp at respectability. That’s a fool’s errand. No, boob physics fetish make otherwise great, well-tuned games feel trashier than they should. And, in a world where the web’s made adult entertainment more accessible, anyone who’s interested knows that breasts don’t move like they do in such video games. Virtual fake boobs can’t really do anything for anyone, can they?

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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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