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DID YOU READ

How “Soul Calibur” Keeps Its Boobs Breast in Show

Soul-Calibur-breast-chart

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“Soul Calibur” represents a near-perfect Platonic ideal for fighting game fans. Namco’s medieval martial arts series boasts a deep level of complexity with hundreds of moves, counters and specials for dozens of characters yet remains accessible enough for new players to have fun and be competitive.

But there’s another thing that “Soul Calibur” is known for and that’s the magical undulation of its female characters’ mammaries. Video games get justifiably knocked on their objectification of the female form but “Soul Calibur” has always been particularly egregious. I remember playing the earliest version of the fighting franchise (in its incarnation as “Soul Edge” on the first PlayStation) and marveling at the action in female ninja Taki’s balcony. There’s nothing very stealthy about that, I thought then.

It’s not just “Soul Calibur,” either. Breast physics are a THING in the fighting game category, for some odd reason. Just look at Tecmo’s “Dead or Alive” games.) Maybe the ability to focus past the breast acrobatics separates men from the boys. Or, it’s a way to show off how programmers implement the processing power of a particular platform. Shiny textures and dynamic lighting are one thing, but boobs that move like they’re on a perpetual trampoline?! That’s technical know-how!

Anyway, no matter how offended or pleasured you’ve felt watching Ivy’s knockers bounce as she beats your ass with a whip-sword, it never seemed like there was any rhyme or reason to the size or attributes of girl characters’ chests. Clearly, the collective lizard brain of the mostly male development teams kicked in and locked in on the uncomplicated idea of ‘big and bouncy.’ But, a tweet today from a member of the “Soul Calibur” dev team reveals that there is in fact A SYSTEM WITH RULES. This changes everything. A breast size canon means that it’s not just casual repressed-male objectification at work. No, the idea that there’s something systemic about boob physics makes the whole thing feel less grindhouse and more programmatically sleazy. Like, “Make sure Sophitia’s rack is no more than 86 CM.”

The worst part about this stuff isn’t how it undercuts video games’ grasp at respectability. That’s a fool’s errand. No, boob physics fetish make otherwise great, well-tuned games feel trashier than they should. And, in a world where the web’s made adult entertainment more accessible, anyone who’s interested knows that breasts don’t move like they do in such video games. Virtual fake boobs can’t really do anything for anyone, can they?

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…