DID YOU READ

How “Soul Calibur” Keeps Its Boobs Breast in Show

Soul-Calibur-breast-chart

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“Soul Calibur” represents a near-perfect Platonic ideal for fighting game fans. Namco’s medieval martial arts series boasts a deep level of complexity with hundreds of moves, counters and specials for dozens of characters yet remains accessible enough for new players to have fun and be competitive.

But there’s another thing that “Soul Calibur” is known for and that’s the magical undulation of its female characters’ mammaries. Video games get justifiably knocked on their objectification of the female form but “Soul Calibur” has always been particularly egregious. I remember playing the earliest version of the fighting franchise (in its incarnation as “Soul Edge” on the first PlayStation) and marveling at the action in female ninja Taki’s balcony. There’s nothing very stealthy about that, I thought then.

It’s not just “Soul Calibur,” either. Breast physics are a THING in the fighting game category, for some odd reason. Just look at Tecmo’s “Dead or Alive” games.) Maybe the ability to focus past the breast acrobatics separates men from the boys. Or, it’s a way to show off how programmers implement the processing power of a particular platform. Shiny textures and dynamic lighting are one thing, but boobs that move like they’re on a perpetual trampoline?! That’s technical know-how!

Anyway, no matter how offended or pleasured you’ve felt watching Ivy’s knockers bounce as she beats your ass with a whip-sword, it never seemed like there was any rhyme or reason to the size or attributes of girl characters’ chests. Clearly, the collective lizard brain of the mostly male development teams kicked in and locked in on the uncomplicated idea of ‘big and bouncy.’ But, a tweet today from a member of the “Soul Calibur” dev team reveals that there is in fact A SYSTEM WITH RULES. This changes everything. A breast size canon means that it’s not just casual repressed-male objectification at work. No, the idea that there’s something systemic about boob physics makes the whole thing feel less grindhouse and more programmatically sleazy. Like, “Make sure Sophitia’s rack is no more than 86 CM.”

The worst part about this stuff isn’t how it undercuts video games’ grasp at respectability. That’s a fool’s errand. No, boob physics fetish make otherwise great, well-tuned games feel trashier than they should. And, in a world where the web’s made adult entertainment more accessible, anyone who’s interested knows that breasts don’t move like they do in such video games. Virtual fake boobs can’t really do anything for anyone, can they?

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Dark Arts

Foot Fetish Jesus And Other Nightmares

Meet the minds behind Comedy Crib's latest series, Quirks and The Mirror.

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The Mirror and Quirks are really, really strange. Deeply disturbing yet hauntingly beautiful. But you really don’t need to read a synopsis of either of the aforementioned shows to understand the exact variety of nightmare-bonkers comedy these shows deliver — that’s why the good lord made links. Instead, take a peek behind the curtain and meet the creators.

Quirks

Let’s start with Kevin Tosi. Kevin does the whole show by himself. That doesn’t mean he’s a loner — Kevin has a day job with actual humans. But that day job is copywriting. So it’s only natural that his suppressed demons would manifest themselves in biting cartoon form, including “Foot Fetish Jesus”, in ways that somehow speak to all of us. If only all copywriters channeled their inner f*ckedupness into such…expressive art.

The Mirror

Onward to the folks at Wham City Comedy.

These guys aren’t your typical comedy collective in that their work is way more left-field and even elevated than your standard digital short. More funny weird than funny ha-ha. They’ve done collaborations with musicians like Beach House, Dan Deacon & Wye Oak, television networks (obviously), and others. Yeah they get paid, but their motivation feels deeper. Darker. Most of them are video artists, and that explains a lot.

See more of The Mirror and Quirks on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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