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The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise (photo)

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It’s not always easy to hear over the revving of engines, but the sometimes poetic, sometimes idiotic, sometimes poetically idiotic — “poetiotic?” — dialogue has remained a highlight of “The Fast and the Furious” series’ first four installments. With “Fast Five” hitting theaters tomorrow, I rewatched the entire series to date and picked out my favorite and most quotable lines of dialogue. Then, just because it’s impossible not to miss when you’re listening to words that are coming out of these characters’ mouths, I also made a second list containing all of my favorite and most quotable homoerotic dialogue. I’ve always been of the opinion that the undercurrent of sexual tension between the big muscley dudes in these movies was accidental, an unintended byproduct of these excessively, cartoonishly masculine movies. But you look at the lines I picked. It’s hard not to believe at least some of it is intentional.

With grateful acknowledgement to screenwriters Gary Scott Thompson, Erik Bergquist, David Ayer, Michael Brandt, Derek Haas, and Chris Morgan, I present —

The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

10. “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” — Dom, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

9. “One car in exchange for knowing what a man’s made of. That’s a price I can live with.” — Han, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

8. (The film’s villain to his own girlfriend) “They say your mom was the best trick in all of Kabukicho back in the day.” — D.K., “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

7. “That’s some driving for your ass! Ain’t that some driving for your ass?” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

6. “So if you don’t drift to win, what do you drift for?” — Sean, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

5. “Maybe you’re lying to yourself. Maybe you’re not the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. Maybe you’re the bad guy pretending to be the good guy.” — Mia, “Fast & Furious” (2009)

4. (As villainous Johnny Tran drives up) “Dom! We got a wolf pack!” — Jesse, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

3. “Not that I want to contradict Harry’s fine judge of character but Torretto did hard time for nearly beating a guy to death. He’s got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain.” — Sgt. Tanner, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

2. (Walking into a dance club) “It’s a ho-asis in here, brah.” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

1. “What’s up with this fool? What is he, sandwich crazy?”Vince, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

BONUS ROUND: The Most Quotable (Homoerotic) Lines in “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

5. (To Brian) “When I needed your ass you were nowhere to be found.” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

4. (To Brian) “Dom’s like… he’s like gravity. Everything just gets pulled to him. Even you.” — Mia, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

3. “Man it’s so hot and humid out here I can’t wear no drawers.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” — Roman and Brian, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2006)

2. “Are you one of those boys who prefers cars to women?”

“I’m one of those boys that appreciates a fine body, regardless of the make.” — Gisele and Dom, “Fast & Furious” (2009)

1. “Japanese food is like the army: don’t ask, don’t tell. Name’s Twinkie.” — Twinkie, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

Soap tv show

As the Spoof Turns

15 Hilarious Soap Opera Parodies

Catch the classic sitcom Soap Saturday mornings on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Columbia Pictures Television

The soap opera is the indestructible core of television fandom. We celebrate modern series like The Wire and Breaking Bad with their ongoing storylines, but soap operas have been tangling more plot threads than a quilt for decades. Which is why pop culture enjoys parodying them so much.

Check out some of the funniest soap opera parodies below, and be sure to catch Soap Saturday mornings on IFC.

1. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

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Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman was a cult hit soap parody from the mind of Norman Lear that poked daily fun at the genre with epic twists and WTF moments. The first season culminated in a perfect satire of ratings stunts, with Mary being both confined to a psychiatric facility and chosen to be part of a Nielsen ratings family.


2. IKEA Heights

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IKEA Heights proves that the soap opera is alive and well, even if it has to be filmed undercover at a ready-to-assemble furniture store totally unaware of what’s happening. This unique webseries brought the classic formula to a new medium. Even IKEA saw the funny side — but has asked that future filmmakers apply through proper channels.


3. Fresno

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When you’re parodying ’80s nighttime soaps like Dallas and Dynasty , everything about your show has to equally sumptuous. The 1986 CBS miniseries Fresno delivered with a high-powered cast (Carol Burnett, Teri Garr and more in haute couture clothes!) locked in the struggle for the survival of a raisin cartel.


4. Soap

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Soap was the nighttime response to daytime soap operas: a primetime skewering of everything both silly and satisfying about the source material. Plots including demonic possession and alien abduction made it a cult favorite, and necessitated the first televised “viewer discretion” disclaimer. It also broke ground for featuring one of the first gay characters on television in the form of Billy Crystal’s Jodie Dallas. Revisit (or discover for the first time) this classic sitcom every Saturday morning on IFC.


5. Too Many Cooks

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Possibly the most perfect viral video ever made, Too Many Cooks distilled almost every style of television in a single intro sequence. The soap opera elements are maybe the most hilarious, with more characters and sudden shocking twists in an intro than most TV scribes manage in an entire season.


6. Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace

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Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace was more mockery than any one medium could handle. The endless complications of Darkplace Hospital are presented as an ongoing horror soap opera with behind-the-scenes anecdotes from writer, director, star, and self-described “dreamweaver visionary” Garth Marenghi and astoundingly incompetent actor/producer Dean Learner.


7. “Attitudes and Feelings, Both Desirable and Sometimes Secretive,” MadTV

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Soap opera connoisseurs know that the most melodramatic plots are found in Korea. MADtv‘s parody Tae Do  (translation: Attitudes and Feelings, Both Desirable and Sometimes Secretive) features the struggles of mild-mannered characters with far more feelings than their souls, or subtitles, could ever cope with.


8. Twin Peaks

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Twin Peaks, the twisted parody of small town soaps like Peyton Place whose own creator repeatedly insists is not a parody, has endured through pop culture since it changed television forever when it debuted in 1990. The show even had it’s own soap within in a soap called…


9. “Invitation to Love,” Twin Peaks

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Twin Peaks didn’t just parody soap operas — it parodied itself parodying soap operas with the in-universe show Invitation to Love. That’s more layers of deceit and drama than most televised love triangles.


10. “As The Stomach Turns,” The Carol Burnett Show

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The Carol Burnett Show poked fun at soaps with this enduring take on As The World Turns. In a case of life imitating art, one story involving demonic possession would go on to happen for “real” on Days of Our Lives.


11. Days of our Lives (Friends Edition)

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Still airing today, Days of Our Lives is one of the most famous soap operas of all time. They’re also excellent sports, as they allowed Friends star Joey Tribbiani to star as Dr Drake Ramoray, the only doctor to date his own stalker (while pretending to be his own evil twin). And then return after a brain-transplant.

And let’s not forget the greatest soap opera parody line ever written: “Come on Joey, you’re going up against a guy who survived his own cremation!”


12. Acorn Antiques

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First appearing on the BBC sketch comedy series Victoria Wood As Seen on TV, Acorn Antiques combines almost every low-budget soap opera trope into one amazing whole. The staff of a small town antique store suffer a disproportional number of amnesiac love-triangles, while entire storylines suddenly appear and disappear without warning or resolution. Acorn Antiques was so popular, it went on to become a hit West End musical.


13. “Point Place,” That 70s Show

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In a memorable That ’70s Show episode, an unemployed Red is reduced to watching soaps all day. He becomes obsessed despite the usual Red common-sense objections (like complaining that it’s impossible to fall in love with someone in a coma). His dreams render his own life as Point Place, a melodramatic nightmare where Kitty leaves him because he’s unemployed. (Click here to see all airings of That ’70s Show on IFC.)


14. The Spoils of Babylon

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Bursting from the minds of Will Ferrell and creators Andrew Steele and Matt Piedmont, The Spoils of Babylon was a spectacular parody of soap operas and epic mini-series like The Thorn Birds. Taking the parody even further, Ferrell himself played Eric Jonrosh, the author of the book on which the series was based. Jonrosh returned in The Spoils Before Dying, a jazzy murder mystery with its own share of soapy twists and turns.

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15. All My Children Finale, SNL

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SNL‘s final celebration of one of the biggest soaps of all time is interrupted by a relentless series of revelations from stage managers, lighting designers, make-up artists, and more. All of whom seem to have been married to or murdered by (or both) each other.

Five Things About “Fast & Furious” That Make No Sense

Five Things About “Fast & Furious” That Make No Sense (photo)

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Good news fans of quickness and anger: the fifth film in the “Fast & Furious” franchise opens this Friday. “Fast Five” continues the full cast reunion begun with 2009’s “Fast & Furious” and takes it a step further by bringing in characters from “2 Fast 2 Furious” and “Tokyo Drift.” Paul Walker! Vin Diesel! Tyrese Gibson! Ludacris! Sung Kang! Plus new addition Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! This thing is like the “House of Frankenstein” of muscle-bound muscle car movies.

As I recall, “House of Frankenstein” wasn’t exactly the most tightly plotted film, either. But the insanity is part of the “Fast & Furious” series’ charm. These movies represent a decade-long celebration of the nonsensical, a triumph of swagger over substance, and an unprecedented achievement in the annals of unintentional comedy. With that in mind, let’s take a look at the elements from the most recent film in the series, “Fast & Furious,” that made absolutely no sense.

On second thought, let’s just take a look at some of the elements. If we listed them all, we’d be here for a while.

1. The Bad Guy’s Plan Makes No Sense

The villain in “Fast & Furious” is a shadowy drug kingpin named Arturo Braga. He hires drivers from Los Angeles’ underground street racing scene to mule drugs across the U.S.-Mexico border in their hot rods. Now I’m not a drug smuggler, but it just seems like common sense that when you’re smuggling drugs you want to do it as inconspicuously as possible. Hiring a dude in a neon yellow muscle car with LCD televisions for headlights might not be the best way to avoid arousing the border patrol’s suspicions.


Plus, Braga doesn’t just drive the drugs across the border. He sneaks them in through an underground tunnel he built in a mountain. The whole reason he needs street racers and their souped up cars is because they have to be fast enough to sneak into the entrance to this tunnel before they’re detected by security cameras. Fine. But if there are security cameras watching the border, how did Braga build several miles of tunnel through a mountain in the first place?



But wait! It gets dumber! Braga maintains a veil of secrecy around his activities by murdering his drivers after they deliver his goods. As we’ve seen in four different “Fast & Furious” films, the underground street racing scene is a close-knit community. Everybody knows everybody. Wouldn’t someone notice that all the drivers who go to work for this guy comes back deader than disco? Evidently not. Because all the underground street racers in “Fast & Furious” are stupid.

2. The Representation of the American Justice System Makes No Sense

To expose Braga’s operation, FBI Agent Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) convinces an old street racing buddy named Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) to go undercover as one of Braga’s drug mules. She agrees to do it, only on the condition that the government drop their charges against her boyfriend Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel), who’s currently a fugitive from justice in South America.

Now I’m not a legal expert, but this sounded mildly insane. So I asked a friend who is a legal expert, a practicing attorney, if this scenario — someone becoming an informant in order to obtain leniency for a loved one who is still on the run from the law — was remotely possible. His response:

“It’s possible, but it really doesn’t make sense. [AUTHOR’S NOTE: I swear, I didn’t put him up to saying that.] Usually people become informants to either get a better deal for themselves or for money. I’ve never heard of anyone doing it to get a better deal for another person. I don’t see why any law enforcement agency would give a lighter sentence to a fugitive who’s gone to another country to escape the law without doing anything themselves to earn better treatment.”



Of course, when Brian tells a furious Dom (he’s totally fast too!) why Letty was helping him, his explanation is vague enough that it’s possible he didn’t necessarily guarantee herpreferential treatment for Dom. So someone’s an idiot here, either Brian or Letty. Or maybe the idiot’s me, for actually trying to figure this stuff out.

3. The Government’s Plan Makes No Sense

Brian and Dom follow in Letty’s footsteps and become drivers for Braga in the hopes of destroying his operation from within. Braga tries to kill them, but they’re able to escape with some of Braga’s drugs. Brian’s superiors at the FBI want to hold a press conference and announce the contraband seizure, but he convinces them not to. “Braga’s just gonna send another shipment next week and the week after that,” he tells them. His plan? “Let’s use the shipment to lure Braga out and lop the head off a multibillion dollar cartel.” He wants to catch Braga red-handed during a hand-to-hand exchange. One of the other FBI agents says, “He’ll never show,” to which Brian replies “He can’t afford not to.”

But wait, Brian, you just specifically said Braga could afford not to. You said he could lose one shipment and carry on with his business! What changed in the four seconds since you said that? Other FBI Agent is correct: Braga would never show. But then guess what? He does show after all! Because he’s an idiot too.

4. The Police’s Search Techniques Make No Sense

Before the big finale in Mexico, Brian comes to see Dom at his house, where he’s working on a car. “Everyone’s looking for you,” says Brian. The police were looking for a fugitive and Paul Walker was the only guy who thought to check his house? What kind of police search is that? That’s not a police search, that’s a Google search. Nothing came up and they all went back to playing Zuma Blitz. So add the local police to the list of morons in this movie.

5. The Fact That Paul Walker Is Still Alive At the End of the Movie Makes No Sense

Through the mass stupidity of everyone involved, Brian and Dom capture Braga in Mexico and bring him back to the United States. Braga’s stooge Fenix, played by Laz Alonso, crashes Brian’s car, and pulls him out of the wreckage. He’s about to shoot him when Dom rides to the rescue. Dom guns it at Fenix, and before he can get out of the way, a wounded Brian, lying on the ground at Fenix’s feet, grabs his leg to hold him in place. Dom runs over Fenix, killing him. But somehow Brian, who was laying right next to him, is perfectly fine. He couldn’t have jumped out of the way because a)he was badly wounded and b)he was holding Fenix to keep him from jumping out of the way himself. Which means that Brian should have been crushed by the front right tire of Dom’s car, killing him instantly. But the dumbness must continue in “Fast Five,” and so Brian magically survives.

Xfiles I Want to Believe

Do You Know the Truth?

How Well Do You Know The X-Files? Take the Quiz!

Catch The X-Files movies this month on IFC.

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Photo Credit: ©20th Century Fox Film Corp. All rights reserved./Courtesy Everett Collection

The X-Files are all about uncovering the truth in the face of vast conspiracies. If you’re a real fan, you’ve binge-watched the original series, the movies airing this month on IFC, and are excited for the new installments on FOX. But how well do you know The X-Files? Take the quiz below to find out if you know truth, and be sure to catch The X-Files: Fight the Future and The X-Files: I Want to Believe on IFC.

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