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The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise (photo)

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It’s not always easy to hear over the revving of engines, but the sometimes poetic, sometimes idiotic, sometimes poetically idiotic — “poetiotic?” — dialogue has remained a highlight of “The Fast and the Furious” series’ first four installments. With “Fast Five” hitting theaters tomorrow, I rewatched the entire series to date and picked out my favorite and most quotable lines of dialogue. Then, just because it’s impossible not to miss when you’re listening to words that are coming out of these characters’ mouths, I also made a second list containing all of my favorite and most quotable homoerotic dialogue. I’ve always been of the opinion that the undercurrent of sexual tension between the big muscley dudes in these movies was accidental, an unintended byproduct of these excessively, cartoonishly masculine movies. But you look at the lines I picked. It’s hard not to believe at least some of it is intentional.

With grateful acknowledgement to screenwriters Gary Scott Thompson, Erik Bergquist, David Ayer, Michael Brandt, Derek Haas, and Chris Morgan, I present —

The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

10. “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” — Dom, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

9. “One car in exchange for knowing what a man’s made of. That’s a price I can live with.” — Han, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

8. (The film’s villain to his own girlfriend) “They say your mom was the best trick in all of Kabukicho back in the day.” — D.K., “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

7. “That’s some driving for your ass! Ain’t that some driving for your ass?” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

6. “So if you don’t drift to win, what do you drift for?” — Sean, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

5. “Maybe you’re lying to yourself. Maybe you’re not the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. Maybe you’re the bad guy pretending to be the good guy.” — Mia, “Fast & Furious” (2009)

4. (As villainous Johnny Tran drives up) “Dom! We got a wolf pack!” — Jesse, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

3. “Not that I want to contradict Harry’s fine judge of character but Torretto did hard time for nearly beating a guy to death. He’s got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain.” — Sgt. Tanner, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

2. (Walking into a dance club) “It’s a ho-asis in here, brah.” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

1. “What’s up with this fool? What is he, sandwich crazy?”Vince, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

BONUS ROUND: The Most Quotable (Homoerotic) Lines in “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

5. (To Brian) “When I needed your ass you were nowhere to be found.” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

4. (To Brian) “Dom’s like… he’s like gravity. Everything just gets pulled to him. Even you.” — Mia, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

3. “Man it’s so hot and humid out here I can’t wear no drawers.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” — Roman and Brian, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2006)

2. “Are you one of those boys who prefers cars to women?”

“I’m one of those boys that appreciates a fine body, regardless of the make.” — Gisele and Dom, “Fast & Furious” (2009)

1. “Japanese food is like the army: don’t ask, don’t tell. Name’s Twinkie.” — Twinkie, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

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Hacked In

Funny or Die Is Taking Over

FOD TV comes to IFC every Saturday night.

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We’ve been fans of Funny or Die since we first met The Landlord. That enduring love makes it more than logical, then, that IFC is totally cool with FOD hijacking the airwaves every Saturday night. Yes, that’s happening.

The appropriately titled FOD TV looks like something pulled from public access television in the nineties. Like lo-fi broken-antenna reception and warped VHS tapes. Equal parts WTF and UHF.

Get ready for characters including The Shirtless Painter, Long-Haired Businessmen, and Pigeon Man. They’re aptly named, but for a better sense of what’s in store, here’s a taste of ASMR with Kelly Whispers:

Watch FOD TV every Saturday night during IFC’s regularly scheduled movies.

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Wicked Good

See More Evil

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is on Hulu.

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Okay, so you missed the entire first season of Stan Against Evil. There’s no shame in that, per se. But here’s the thing: Season 2 is just around the corner and you don’t want to lag behind. After all, Season 1 had some critical character development, not to mention countless plot twists, and a breathless finale cliffhanger that’s been begging for resolution since last fall. It also had this:

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The good news is that you can catch up right now on Hulu. Phew. But if you aren’t streaming yet, here’s a basic primer…

Willards Mill Is Evil

Stan spent his whole career as sheriff oblivious to the fact that his town has a nasty curse. Mostly because his recently-deceased wife was secretly killing demons and keeping Stan alive.

Demons Really Want To Kill Stan

The curse on Willards Mill stipulates that damned souls must hunt and kill each and every town sheriff, or “constable.” Oh, and these demons are shockingly creative.

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They Also Want To Kill Evie

Why? Because Evie’s a sheriff too, and the curse on Willard’s Mill doesn’t have a “one at a time” clause. Bummer, Evie.

Stan and Evie Must Work Together

Beating the curse will take two, baby, but that’s easier said than done because Stan doesn’t always seem to give a damn. Damn!

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Beware of Goats

It goes without saying for anyone who’s seen the show: If you know that ancient evil wants to kill you, be wary of anything that has cloven feet.

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Season 2 Is Lurking

Scary new things are slouching towards Willards Mill. An impending darkness descending on Stan, Evie and their cohort – eviler evil, more demony demons, and whatnot. And if Stan wants to survive, he’ll have to get even Stanlier.

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is now streaming right now on Hulu.

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SO EXCITED!!!

Reminders that the ’90s were a thing

"The Place We Live" is available for a Jessie Spano-level binge on Comedy Crib.

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Unless you stopped paying attention to the world at large in 1989, you are of course aware that the ’90s are having their pop cultural second coming. Nobody is more acutely aware of this than Dara Katz and Betsy Kenney, two comedians who met doing improv comedy and have just made their Comedy Crib debut with the hilarious ’90s TV throwback series, The Place We Live.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Dara: It’s everything you loved–or loved to hate—from Melrose Place and 90210 but condensed to five minutes, funny (on purpose) and totally absurd.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Betsy: “Hey Todd, why don’t you have a sip of water. Also, I think you’ll love The Place We Live because everyone has issues…just like you, Todd.”

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IFC: When you were living through the ’90s, did you think it was television’s golden age or the pop culture apocalypse?


Betsy: I wasn’t sure I knew what it was, I just knew I loved it!


Dara: Same. Was just happy that my parents let me watch. But looking back, the ’90s honored The Teen. And for that, it’s the golden age of pop culture. 

IFC: Which ’90s shows did you mine for the series, and why?

Betsy: Melrose and 90210 for the most part. If you watch an episode of either of those shows you’ll see they’re a comedic gold mine. In one single episode, they cover serious crimes, drug problems, sex and working in a law firm and/or gallery, all while being young, hot and skinny.


Dara: And almost any series we were watching in the ’90s, Full House, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life has very similar themes, archetypes and really stupid-intense drama. We took from a lot of places. 

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IFC: How would you describe each of the show’s characters in terms of their ’90s TV stereotype?

Dara: Autumn (Sunita Mani) is the femme fatale. Robin (Dara Katz) is the book worm (because she wears glasses). Candace (Betsy Kenney) is Corey’s twin and gives great advice and has really great hair. Corey (Casey Jost) is the boy next door/popular guy. Candace and Corey’s parents decided to live in a car so the gang can live in their house. 
Lee (Jonathan Braylock) is the jock.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Dara: Because everyone’s feeling major ’90s nostalgia right now, and this is that, on steroids while also being a totally new, silly thing.

Delight in the whole season of The Place We Live right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. It’ll take you back in all the right ways.