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The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise (photo)

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It’s not always easy to hear over the revving of engines, but the sometimes poetic, sometimes idiotic, sometimes poetically idiotic — “poetiotic?” — dialogue has remained a highlight of “The Fast and the Furious” series’ first four installments. With “Fast Five” hitting theaters tomorrow, I rewatched the entire series to date and picked out my favorite and most quotable lines of dialogue. Then, just because it’s impossible not to miss when you’re listening to words that are coming out of these characters’ mouths, I also made a second list containing all of my favorite and most quotable homoerotic dialogue. I’ve always been of the opinion that the undercurrent of sexual tension between the big muscley dudes in these movies was accidental, an unintended byproduct of these excessively, cartoonishly masculine movies. But you look at the lines I picked. It’s hard not to believe at least some of it is intentional.

With grateful acknowledgement to screenwriters Gary Scott Thompson, Erik Bergquist, David Ayer, Michael Brandt, Derek Haas, and Chris Morgan, I present —

The Most Quotable Lines From “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

10. “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” — Dom, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

9. “One car in exchange for knowing what a man’s made of. That’s a price I can live with.” — Han, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

8. (The film’s villain to his own girlfriend) “They say your mom was the best trick in all of Kabukicho back in the day.” — D.K., “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

7. “That’s some driving for your ass! Ain’t that some driving for your ass?” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

6. “So if you don’t drift to win, what do you drift for?” — Sean, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

5. “Maybe you’re lying to yourself. Maybe you’re not the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. Maybe you’re the bad guy pretending to be the good guy.” — Mia, “Fast & Furious” (2009)

4. (As villainous Johnny Tran drives up) “Dom! We got a wolf pack!” — Jesse, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

3. “Not that I want to contradict Harry’s fine judge of character but Torretto did hard time for nearly beating a guy to death. He’s got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain.” — Sgt. Tanner, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

2. (Walking into a dance club) “It’s a ho-asis in here, brah.” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

1. “What’s up with this fool? What is he, sandwich crazy?”Vince, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

BONUS ROUND: The Most Quotable (Homoerotic) Lines in “The Fast and the Furious” Franchise

5. (To Brian) “When I needed your ass you were nowhere to be found.” — Roman, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

4. (To Brian) “Dom’s like… he’s like gravity. Everything just gets pulled to him. Even you.” — Mia, “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

3. “Man it’s so hot and humid out here I can’t wear no drawers.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” — Roman and Brian, “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2006)

2. “Are you one of those boys who prefers cars to women?”

“I’m one of those boys that appreciates a fine body, regardless of the make.” — Gisele and Dom, “Fast & Furious” (2009)

1. “Japanese food is like the army: don’t ask, don’t tell. Name’s Twinkie.” — Twinkie, “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

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Fred Armisen drums

Drum Off

Fred Armisen Joins Will Ferrell For an Epic Drum Battle in This Week’s Funniest Videos

This week we're laughing at Fred on drums and Star Wars emojis.

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Photo Credit: Funny or Die

Friday is here at last, and you know what that means — time to laugh off the work week. From a epic celebrity drum battle to a Silicon Valley geek facing off against Captain Picard himself, here are five funny things from this week you need to watch.

1. Fred Armisen Joins the Will Ferrell and Chad Smith Drum-Off Rematch

A while back Will Ferrell faced off against his lookalike, drummer Chad Smith from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, in an epic drum battle on Fallon to prove who was the superior skin smasher. Well, the duo had a rematch at a live charity event, this time bringing in some famous drummers to help out. Joining them onstage is everyone from Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee to Fred Armisen, someone who knows his way around a drum kit. What’s next for Chad and Will? A remake of Twins, perhaps?


2. Maron gets the world’s worst roommate.

The two-episode season premiere of Maron — which you can watch right here on IFC.com and on the IFC app — found Marc landing in a rehab center where he rooms with a wannabe rapper named Trey who makes our favorite curmudgeon’s life even more miserable. Played in a perfect bit of casting by real life celebrity rapper Chet Hanks, Trey is already looking to be the breakout star of the new season. Check out a clip from the episode above, and be sure to catch new episodes of Maron Wednesdays at 9P on IFC.


3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens as Told by Emoji

Adobe After Effects gets a delightful workout in a Disney animated short that retells the story of Star Wars: The Force Awakens in the form of cute emoji. Officially released by the Mouse House, the imagery is saccharine sweet, but the textspeak interpretation is pretty clever — like the Force-controlled battle between Rey and Ren over preference setting toggles.


4. Puberty Tips with Aparna Nancherla and Jo Firestone

Those of us who made it out of our preteen years intact can tell you that puberty is a nightmare. Between hormone surpluses and crippling self-doubt, it’s hard to pinpoint any laughable detail about the matter. Fortunately, comedians Aparna Nancherla and Jo Firestone tackle the subject head on in this educational short intended on guiding young adults into maturity. And as with most educational shorts, there’s a lot of misinformation. (For more Jo Firestone comedy, check out the Sound Graffiti sketch from the Comedy Crib series Video Frogs.)


5. Thomas Middleditch and Patrick Stewart play Star Trek “FMK”

In the grand tradition of Star Trek’s reinterpretation of chess, baseball, and Klingon mating habits, Silicon Valley’s Thomas Middleditch and Captain Jean-Luc Picard himself Patrick Stewart play a round of F***, Marry, Kill in the style of the galaxy-hopping franchise. And as it will surely be decided by the rabid fan base, we’ll soon learn whether this qualifies as Trek canon.

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Let-go-and-let-pod-v2

GIF Giving

The Funniest Gifs From the Maron Season Premiere

Watch the Maron season premiere now on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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Last night, Marc Maron returned in all his haggard glory in the darkly hilarious season premiere of Maron. In case you’re not caught up, Marc has fallen into a downward spiral of drugs and addiction, having lost his house, his podcast, his cats, and the ability to say he doesn’t live in a storage unit. And only someone like Marc can make the situation laugh-out-loud funny.

Here are the 5 funniest GIFs from last night’s Maron premiere, which you can watch right now on IFC.com and the IFC app.

1. Dave Anthony, Professional Truth Teller.

Maron Not Okay


2. Storage locker etiquette is important.

Maron Storage Locker


3. We’re sure Chris Hardwick would love to have Marc back on Talking Dead.

Maron Dumb Show


4. We can’t unsee Dave in that apron.

Maron Shit Bucket


5. The first step is listening. Marc has a lot of steps to go.

Maron Shut Up

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Marc Maron, Craig Anton – Maron – Season 4, Episode 3

The Reviews Are In

Critics Are Raving About the New Season of Maron

Watch the Maron season premiere right now on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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Last night saw the return of Marc Maron, more than a little worse for wear, in the pitch-black premiere of Maron’s fourth season. Having fallen back into addiction, Marc’s lost his house, his podcast, and even his cats, and is now residing in a storage unit.

Maron

Part two of the double-shot premiere found our favorite curmudgeon dealing with the assorted characters in the Clean Living Rehab Center. The season’s heavy themes and unflinching performances earned much praise from fans and critics.

Check out what people said about last night’s premiere of Maron. And in case you missed the premiere, you can watch it now on IFC.com and the IFC app

Joe Berkowitz of Co.Create: “For the first time ever, Maron has veered way off the course of its creator’s timeline — into a chaotic alternate reality — and it’s the boldest creative leap in the series’ run yet…This particular downward trajectory provides a window into a world where the actual Marc Maron ends up hitting rock bottom. This world turns out to offer darkly comic possibilities, such as a rehab facilitator trying to get an in-patient Maron to be a guest on his podcast.”

Jason Tabrys of Uproxx: “[Whether] this is the beginning of the end for Maron, or just the start of a new phase, the fourth season’s off to an intriguing start that should make for compelling viewing.”

Neil Genzlinger of The New York Times: “[The] premiere does effectively, yet comedically, show two truths of substance abuse: Addicts need enablers who fuel their problem, either deliberately or inadvertently, and most need someone to intervene to help them climb out of the pit.”

Vikram Murthi of AV Club: “By shifting the series’ premise from a man struggling to maintain success to a man desperately trying to get it back, Maron has found a whole new energy…Maron doesn’t bring Marc down to a low point just for kicks but to demonstrate what happens when people forget what’s important and succumb to their worst selves. The fourth season effectively channels the raw vitality of [the WTF podcast’s] early days, when Maron was trying to dig his way out of a hole by embracing the world around him instead of pushing it away. ‘I’m gonna be okay, right?’ Maron asks Dave at the clinic. ‘Or not,’ Dave replies honestly. ‘But you have to try.’ Maron’s entire career has been about trying, and Maron’s fourth season succeeds by placing that idea at its center.”

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