Breaking News: A train accident in Braxton, CA has captured the attention of the nation. Luckily, The Onion News Network has more than 100 subsidiary news channels, five separate Onion Business Channels, the Onion Prison Network, and OnionAisle, a news channel played on department store electronics display models. Globally, Onion-branded channels reach 811 countries in 152 languages. The Onion News Network is one component of the larger Onion media empire which includes the Onion Broadcasting Channel (OBC) for general programming, Onion Pictures for major film releases, and the Onion News Bar & Grill with more than 2,000 restaurant locations nationwide. So rest assured, they have the story covered.
The Onion News Network’s autistic reporter Michael Falk is on the scene. He says the stainless steel CometLiner 2 car was lucky enough to escape unharmed from its collision with a man. Here’s the full report:
The Onion News Network airs tonight on IFC at 10 p.m. ET