Behold the Magic That Is “Rambo” The Arcade Game

Behold the Magic That Is “Rambo” The Arcade Game (photo)

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It’s been around in Japan since 2008, but it’s just recently started popping up in American arcades over the last couple months. Last weekend, I got to play it for the first time. My life will never be the same. I give you: “Rambo: The Arcade Game.”

Released by Sega, “Rambo” is the horrifically violent video game every child of the ’80s dreamed of when they watched Stallone win the VIetnam War or save Afghanistan from the evil Soviets (want to see the game we got instead? Watch this). Two players wielding two massive plastic machine guns (or plastic Uzis, depending on the model) play as Col. Trautman and Rambo, as they sort of reenact iconic scenes from the “Rambo” movies. Notice I say sort of; as you can see in the video, the game dips in and out of full motion video clips that form the backbone of the “story” (please add your own air quotes). So Trautman and Rambo will be in a ditch surrounded by enemy fighters in a scene from “Rambo III” when the game kicks in and the duo kills about 3,000 Soviets in a row before jumping in a jeep and escaping.

Remember that scene? Remember when Rambo and Trautman killed 3,000 guys without running out of ammo?

Actually, it was “Rambo III.” That did kind of happen.

In fact, “Rambo” is probably the most accurate video game adaptation of “Rambo: First Blood Part II” and “Rambo III” ever made. Even the gameplay feels right. To reload, you just aim your gun offscreen, but you don’t even need to release the trigger for the reload to take effect, so, like the onscreen “Rambo,” you basically never runs out of ammo. Plus, there’s no way to take cover or evade enemy fire so the only way to survive is to adopt the movie’s ultra right-wing, pro-war politics: kill everything on the screen as quickly as possible, shoot first and ask questions never. They even built combat shock into the game’s structure: the first level’s from “Rambo III,” the next is a “Counterstrike Flashback” from “Rambo: First Blood Part II.”

The game is so impossibly, cartoonishly violent, it almost seems like a parody of a light gun shooter. Slap Charlie Sheen’s face on the cabinet and update a few of the cutscenes and you could believably call this thing “Hot Shots: Part Deux: The Arcade Game.” Within seconds, you murder enough soldiers (and Geneva Conventions) to make Joe Lieberman cry. Within minutes, you decimate the population of a small country. Later, you get to shoot things with explodo-arrows. Is this thing a joke or such a straight-faced but totally deranged male power fantasy that it just feels like a joke? Either way, it couldn’t be much funnier.

Rambo even has a “Rage Meter” that steadily fills based on the awesomeness of your murder spree. When it fills all the way up and you press a button, you activate “MAXIMUM RAGE!” giving you stronger, bigger bullets, and invincibility for a short period of time. In other words: roid rage. But that’s nothing compared to how mad I’m going to be if I don’t get to play this stupid, amazing game again soon.


New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…


IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon.

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number!

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time.

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by.


IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo.

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim.

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t?

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?”

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud.

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.


The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”


Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).



Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.


And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.


Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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GIFs via Giffy

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.


Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.


Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!



Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.


Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.


If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.