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SXSW Film 2011 Cheat Sheet

SXSW Film 2011 Cheat Sheet (photo)

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…Or we should say “Cheat Sheets” since this year’s SXSW Film Festival boasts over 140 films, requiring more than just one page to cover every single one of the narrative and documentary features that will be playing in Austin from March 11th through 19th. While the festival has already provided a very helpful schedule to flip through and PDF of the screening grid online, consider this your quick hit guide to all the features at the festival – every title leads to its corresponding festival page in addition to links to trailers, official sites, filmmakers’ Facebook pages and Twitter accounts so you can follow the action from the festival or from home.

Meanwhile, there will be plenty of action during these next two weeks on IFC.com where, in addition to our live video page, Matt Singer (@mattsinger) and I (@mfrushmore) will be filing reviews and interviews throughout the film festival. (You might’ve also heard there’s an Interactive fest, which Alex Blagg (@BajillionHits) will be covering, and a music fest, which Brandon Kim (@theforlorn) will be checking out.) With that in mind, here’s the rundown for the films gracing the Paramount, the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz and South Lamar and all the other theaters in Austin for the festival ahead.

[Headliners and Spotlight Premieres] [Festival Favorites] [Narrative and Documentary Competitions] [Emerging Visions and Lone Star States] [24 Beats Per Second and SX Global] [Midnighters and SX Fantastic]


03082011_13Assassins.jpg


Headliners

“13 Assassins” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Japanese trailer)
The Cast: Koji Yakusho, Takayuki Yamada, Yusuke Iseya, Goro Inagaki, Masachika Ichimura, Mikijiro Hira, Hiroki Matsukata, Ikki Sawamura, Arata Furuta, Tsuyoshi Ihara
Director: Takashi Miike
Fest Cred: Venice, Toronto, Pusan, Sitges, London
Distributor Description: Cult director Takeshi Miike delivers a bravado period action film set at the end of Japan’s feudal era in which a group of unemployed samurai are enlisted to bring down a sadistic lord and prevent him from ascending to the throne and plunging the country into a war-torn future.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Before Takashi Miike makes his way to Austin for the film’s premiere, you can check out David Hudson’s roundup of reviews from Venice and Toronto.

“The Beaver” (IMDb, official site, trailer)
The Cast: Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster, Anton Yelchin, Jennifer Lawrence, Cherry Jones, Riley Thomas Stewart
Director: Jodie Foster
SXSW Description: Two-time Academy Award winner Jodie Foster directs and co-stars with two-time Academy Award winner Mel Gibson in “The Beaver” – an emotional story about a man on a journey to re-discover his family and re-start his life. Plagued by his own demons, Walter Black was once a successful toy executive and family man who now suffers from depression. No matter what he tries, Walter can’t seem to get himself back on track…until a beaver hand puppet enters his life.

“Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop”
Director: Rodman Flender
SXSW Description: After a much-publicized separation with his former employers, did Conan O’Brien hit the road on a 32-City tour to connect with his fans or fill a void within himself? Filmmaker Rodman Flender followed O’Brien on his “Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour” and returned with an intimate portrait of an artist trained in improvisation, captured at the most improvisational time of his career.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Austin American-Statesman’s Dale Roe talks with director Rodman Flender.

03072011_KingofLuck.jpg“The King of Luck”
The Cast: Willie Nelson, Annie Nelson, Paula Nelson, Amy Nelson, Lana Nelson, Lukas Nelson, Micah Nelson, Bobbie Nelson, Paul English, Bee Spears
Director: Billy Bob Thornton
SXSW Description: This is a documentary about Willie Nelson: the man, the songwriter, the friend, the father, legendary performer and champion of the family farmer. It goes further, however, as a film, it is about the end of the old west and how troubadours such as Willie Nelson keep the legend alive through storytelling.

“Paul” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, trailer)
The Cast: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogen (voice), Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Blythe Danner, John Carroll Lynch, Sigourney Weaver
Director: Greg Mottola
SXSW Description: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (“Hot Fuzz,” “Shaun of the Dead”) reunite for Universal Pictures’ comedy-adventure “Paul” as two sci-fi geeks whose pilgrimage takes them to America’s UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Collider has five clips from the film and a glimpse of the exclusive poster Mondo has created for the festival.

“Source Code “ (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Vera Farmiga, Jeffrey Wright
Director: Duncan Jones (“Moon”)
SXSW Description: When soldier Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he’s ever known, he learns he’s part of a government experiment called the “Source Code,” a computer program that enables him to cross over into another man’s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: EW has a look at the exclusive posters created by Olly Moss for “Source Code” and “Moon” that will be sold at the festival. Badass Digest‘s Devin Faraci interviewed Jones about the film.

“Super” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon, Nathan Fillian, Andre Rovo, Sean Gunn, Stephen Blackehart
Director: James Gunn
Fest Cred: Toronto
SXSW Description: When sad-sack loser Frank (Rainn Wilson) sees his ex-addict wife (Liv Tyler) willingly snatched by a seductive drug dealer (Kevin Bacon), he finds himself bereft and wholly unable to cope. But soon he decides to fight back under the guise of a DIY superhero called Crimson Bolt. With a hand-made suit, a wrench, and a crazed sidekick named Boltie (Ellen Page), the Crimson Bolt beats his way through the mean streets of crime in hopes of saving his wife.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: My interview with Gunn from the Toronto Film Festival. Mubi‘s David Hudson’s roundup (third entry down) from Toronto is here.

“Win Win” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, trailer)
The Cast: Paul Giamatti, Amy Ryan, Bobby Cannavale, Jeffrey Tambor, Burt Young, Melanie Lynskey, Alex Schaffer, Margo Martindale Director: Tom McCarthy (“The Station Agent,” “The Visitor”)
Fest Cred: Sundance
SXSW Description: Tom McCarthy once again explores the depths and nuances of human relationships in his new film about the allegiances and bonds between unlikely characters. Disheartened attorney Mike Flaherty, who volunteers as a high school wrestling coach, stumbles across a star athlete through some questionable business dealings while trying to support his family. Just as it looks like he will get a double payday, the boy’s mother shows up fresh from rehab and flat broke, threatening to derail everything. McCarthy’s deft touch with balancing drama and comedy, broken hearts and poignant humanity is at play in “Win Win.”
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: SlashFilm has two clips and a featurette from the film. The L.A. Times’ interview with McCarthy from Sundance. Filmmaker‘s Jamie Stuart also has an interview.

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Spotlight Premieres

“A Bag of Hammers” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Jason Ritter, Jake Sandvig, Chandler Canterbury, Rebecca Hall, Carrie Preston, Todd Louiso, Gabriel Macht, Johnny Simmons
Director: Brian Crano
SXSW Description: An offbeat comedy about two misfit best friends incapable of growing up, whose direction is tested by an abandoned child, worn beyond his years; together they invent the family they’ve always needed.

“Becoming Santa” (IMDb, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Jack Sanderson, Susen Mesco, Dee Sinclair, Carol Myers, Ernest Berger
Director: Jeff Myers
SXSW Description: “Becoming Santa” is the story of one man entering the culture and character of Santa Claus for a single season. We follow Jack as he bleaches his hair, goes to Santa School and tries to do everything that Santa is asked to do. He works as a sidewalk Santa, does home visits, a Polar Express Train and a parade. Along the way, Jack collects children’s wishes, learns about the benefits of belief, the history and origin of Santa and the ordinary people keeping the Santa spirit alive.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: The blog Pearl Snap Discount has an e-mail interview with Myers.

“Beginners” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, trailer)
The Cast: Ewan McGregor, Christopher Plummer, Mélanie Laurent, Goran Visnjic
Director: Mike Mills (“Thumbsucker”)
Fest Cred: Toronto
SXSW Description: “Beginners” imaginatively explores the hilarity, confusion, and surprises of love through the evolving consciousness of Oliver (Ewan McGregor). Oliver meets the irreverent and unpredictable Anna (Mélanie Laurent of “Inglourious Basterds”) only months after his father Hal (Christopher Plummer) has passed away. This new love floods Oliver with memories of his father who – following 44 years of marriage – came out of the closet at age 75 to live a full, energized, and wonderfully tumultuous gay life. Now Oliver endeavors to love Anna with all the bravery, humor, and hope that his father taught him.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: David Hudson’s roundup of reviews and interviews from Toronto.

“Bob and the Monster” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
Director: Keirda Bahruth
SXSW Description: Six years in the making, this documentary film follows outspoken indie-rock hero Bob Forrest, through his life-threatening struggle with addiction, to his transformation into one of the most influential and controversial drug counselors in the US today. “Bob and the Monster” crafts contemporary footage, animation and compelling interviews with archival performances and personal videos from Bob’s past to reveal the complex layers of this troubled, but hopeful soul. Testimony from his peers, including Courtney Love, Anthony Kiedis and Flea add texture, but it’s the depth of Bob’s music, interwoven throughout the film, that illuminates this unforgettable and inspirational story.

03072011_Detention.jpg“Detention” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Josh Hutcherson, Dane Cook, Shanley Caswell, Spencer Locke, Aaron David Johnson, Walter Perez, Erica Shaffer, Parker Bagley, Alison Woods
Director: Joseph Kahn (“Torque”)
SXSW Description: “Detention” is a teen horror-comedy where the local students of Grizzly Lake must survive their final year of high school. Standing in their way is a slasher movie killer who has seemingly come to life. It becomes a race against time to stop the killer and save the world – if only they can get out of detention. The Detention cuts through prom. Most of them don’t have dates anyway.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Dread Central has new stills and a one-sheet for the film.

“Elevate” (IMDb, official site, Facebook)
The Cast: Amadou Gallo Fall
Director: Anne Buford
SXSW Description: Filmed over four years, from the dilapidated cement courts of Senegal to upscale American prep schools, “Elevate” documents the extraordinary personal journeys of four particularly tall West African Muslim teenagers. Recruited for both their physical and academic skills they accept basketball scholarships to schools in the United States–and face the daunting challenges of alienation, a foreign language, American-style basketball and an unfamiliar American culture rife with African stereotypes. But with courage, humor, and remarkable resilience, they relentlessly pursue their dreams–to obtain an education and a shot at the NBA.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Austin American-Statesman interview with Buford.

“Fambul Tok” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
Director: Sara Terry
SXSW Description: Victims and perpetrators of Sierra Leone’s brutal civil war come together for the first time in an unprecedented program of tradition-based truth-telling and forgiveness ceremonies. Through reviving their ancient practice of fambul tok (family talk), Sierra Leoneans are building sustainable peace at the grass-roots level — succeeding where the international community’s post-conflict efforts failed. Filled with lessons for the West, this film explores the depths of a culture that believes that true justice lies in redemption and healing for individuals — and that forgiveness is the surest path to restoring dignity and building strong communities.

“Fubar: Balls to the Wall” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Paul Spence, David Lawrence
Director: Michael Dowse
Fest Cred: Toronto, Edmonton
SXSW Description: Headbanger relics, Terry and Dean, are tired of trying to give’r while barely scraping by, so they head up North to make sweet cash working on the pipelines. Flush with money and confidence, Terry starts dating Trish, a local waitress, and things get serious in a hurry. Meanwhile, Dean is playing up the part of ‘cancer survivor’, and upon hearing about the glories of Worker’s Compensation, purposely bungs up his leg in an attempt to qualify.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Shortly after it was announced the film would play SXSW, Screen Media Films picked up the North American rights for a VOD/video release on April 19th.

“Girl Walks Into a Bar” (IMDb, Facebook, trailer)
The Cast: Carla Gugino, Zachary Quinto, Josh Hartnett, Danny DeVito, Rosario Dawson, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Robert Forster, Aaron Tveit, Alexis Bledel
Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
The Gist: Perhaps the only time it will be shown in theaters, “Women in Trouble” and “Elektra Luxx” director Sebastian Gutierrez returns to SXSW with another all-star cast in tow for this comedy divided into 10 vignettes spread across 10 speakeasys in Los Angeles over the course of a single night involving a dentist plotting his wife’s murder and the wild aftermath that follows. The film will debut the same day as its SXSW premiere on YouTube for all to see.

03072011_TheInnkeepers.jpg“The Innkeepers” (IMDb, Twitter)
The Cast: Sara Paxton, Pat Healy, Kelly McGillis
Director: Ti West
SXSW Description: After over one hundred years of service, The Yankee Pedlar Inn is shutting its doors for good. The last remaining employees – Claire (Sara Paxton) and Luke (Pat Healy)- are determined to uncover proof of what many believe to be one of New England’s most haunted hotels. As the Inn’s final days draw near, odd guests check in as the pair of minimum wage “ghost hunters” begin to experience strange and alarming events that may ultimately cause them to be mere footnotes in the hotel’s long unexplained history.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Fangoria has the film’s poster. TwitchFilm visited West on the set.

“It’s About You” (IMDb, trailer)
The Cast: John Mellencamp and T Bone Burnett
Director: Kurt Markus and Ian Markus
SXSW Description: This is a personal journey film about singer/songwriter John Mellencamp. It was made during his summer 2009 tour with Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson; Mellencamp also recorded his new album in three historical locations during the month and a half tour. The story is told through the eyes of the father/son film making team of Kurt and Ian Markus, neither of whom had ever made a film before. The entire 90-minute film is shot on super8, to stunning effect. This is not a retrospective film with interviews. It is of the moment.

“LBF” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Toby Schmitz, Bianca Chiminello, Gracie Otto, Septimus Caton, April Rose Pengilly, Iren Skaarnes
Director: Alex Munt
SXSW Description: A pop-art film based on the novel ‘Living Between Fucks’ by Cry Bloxsome. Goodchild, a young writer, lands back home, direct from Paris, to attend his ex-girlfriend’s funeral, The Dead Girl. At an afternoon motel party he encounters The Beautiful Financial Backer who works in advertising. At the wake she commissions him to write ‘The Love Enterprise’. The past and present collide as Goodchild slides through a hot Australian summer. Haunted by the twin ghosts of love and death, he is pushed to his very limits. LBF is a modern story of love, loss and desperation.

“The Other F Word” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, movie clips)
The Cast: Jim Lindberg, Flea, Mark Hoppus, Tim McIlrath, Tony Hawk, Lars Fredrikson, Duane Peters, Fat Mike, Art Alexakis, Ron Reyes
Director: Andrea Blaugrund Nevins
SXSW Description: What happens when a generation’s ultimate anti-authoritarians — punk rockers — become society’s ultimate authorities — dads? With a large chorus of Punk Rock’s leading men — Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus, Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Flea, Rise Against’s Tim McIlrath – “The Other F Word follows Jim Lindberg, 20 year veteran of skate punk band, Pennywise, on his hysterical and moving journey from belting out his band’s anthem, “Fuck Authority”, to embracing his ultimately pivotal authoritarian role in mid-life, fatherhood.

“PressPausePlay” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Moby, Hank Shocklee, Seth Godin, Olafur Arnolds, Robyn, Hot Chip, Lena Dunham, Andrew Keen, Zach Hancock, Keith Harris
Director: David Dworsky and Victor Köhler
SXSW Description: The digital revolution of the last decade has unleashed creativity and talent of people in an unprecedented way, unleashing unlimited creative opportunities. But does democratized culture mean better art, film, music and literature or is true talent instead flooded and drowned in the vast digital ocean of mass culture? Is it cultural democracy or mediocrity? This is the question addressed by “PressPausePlay,” a documentary film containing interviews with some of the world’s most influential creators of the digital era.

03072011_SomethingVentured.jpg“Something Ventured” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter)
The Cast: Po Bronson (narrator), Tom Perkins, Arthur Rock, Don Valentine, Dick Kramlich, Nolan Bushnell, Gordon Moore, Jimmy Treybig, Herbert Boyer, Mike Markkula
Director: Dan Geller and Dayna Goldfine
SXSW Description: Apple. Intel. Genentech. Atari. Cisco. Behind these revolutionary technology companies are a handful of men who saw opportunity where others did not: these are the original venture capitalists. All were backing and building companies before the term ‘venture capital’ had been coined: companies that led to the birth of biotechnology, microprocessors, personal computers and the internet. “Something Ventured” uncovers the dramatic ups and downs of how these companies came to be, and the hidden dramas behind some of the most famous names in business.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Zeitgeist Films snapped up the film’s distribution rights in late February, presumably for release later this year.

“Square Grouper: The Godfathers of Ganja” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
Director: Billy Corben (“Cocaine Cowboys”)
SXSW Description: In 1979, the US Customs Service reported that 87% of all domestic marijuana seizures were made in the South Florida area. Due to the region’s 5,000 miles of coast and coastal waterways and close proximity to the Caribbean and Latin America, South Florida was a pot smuggler’s paradise. In sharp contrast to the brazenly violent cocaine cowboys, Miami’s marijuana smugglers were cooler, calmer, and for the most part, nonviolent. “Square Grouper” paints a vivid portrait of Miami’s pot smuggling culture in the 1970s and 1980s through three of the city’s most colorful stories.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Magnolia bought the doc with plans for a 40-city college tour following SXSW.

“Undefeated” (official site)
Director: Dan Lindsay and T.J. Martin
SXSW Description: Set against the backdrop of a football season, “Undefeated” is a coming-of-age vérité documentary centering on three underprivileged student-athletes from inner-city Memphis and an unexpected volunteer coach who struggles to provide them with the discipline, resources and inspiration they’ll need to not only overcome their bleak surroundings, but also to win the first playoff game in the high school’s 110-year history.

“Yelling to the Sky” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, Twitter, trailer)
The Cast: Zoe Kravitz, Jason Clarke, Antonique Smith, Gabourey Sidibe, Tim Blake Nelson
Director: Victoria Mahoney
Fest Cred: Berlinale
SXSW Description: As her family falls apart, seventeen year old Sweetness O’Hara’s future feels uncertain. At the abusive hands of her father, her mother and sister take off, leaving Sweetness to fend for herself. Determined to correct the mistakes of the past, Sweetness takes control of her life.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: David Hudson rounds up reviews out of Berlinale (under the second photo).

“You Instead” (IMDb, Facebook, Twitter)
The Cast: Luke Treadaway, Natalia Tena, Sophie Wu, Ruta Gedmintas, Kari Corbett
Director: David Mackenzie (“Young Adam,” “Spread”)
Fest Cred: Glasgow
SXSW Description: Shot on location at the world famous music festival ‘T in the Park,’ American pop star, Adam, and minor British rock chick, Morello, are playing at the same festival. The only other thing they have in common is their mastery of sarcastic wisecracks. As their childish spat escalates, a mischievous preacher handcuffs them together as punishment, before disappearing in to the crowd with the only key. All attempts to break free are thwarted. Respective band mates and romantic partners are caught in the crossfire but can only look on as Adam and Morello begin to realize there is no escape.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Positive notice from Variety‘s Leslie Felperin out of Berlin.

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Special Events

“Bridesmaids” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, trailer)
The Cast: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Melissa McCarthy, Chris O’Dowd, Matt Lucas, Jill Clayburgh, Rebel Wilson, Michael Hitchcock
Director: Paul Feig
The Gist: Billed as a “work in progress” screening since it doesn’t come out until May, this Judd Apatow-produced comedy was penned by Kristen Wiig (and friend Annie Mumulo) to star in as a maid of honor trying to help her friend (Maya Rudolph) make her way down the aisle while trying to control her wild group of friends and relatives (Rose Byrne, “Reno 911″‘s Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper and Melissa McCarthy). “Freaks and Geeks” co-creator Paul Feig captures the chaos.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Set visits with Vanity Fair, Moviefone and HitFix.

“Red Riding Hood” (IMDb, official site, Facebook, trailer)
The Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke, Shiloh Fernandez, Max Irons, Virginia Madsen, Lukas Haas, Julie Christie
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
SXSW Description: For years, the village of Daggerhorn has maintained an uneasy truce with a ferocious werewolf that prowls outside their village. But under a blood red moon, the wolf ups the stakes, taking the life of one of their own. Hungry for revenge, the people call on werewolf hunter Father Solomon to help them kill the beast. But Solomon arrives with a warning: the wolf, who takes human form by day, could be any one of them. As suspicion and panic grips the town, a beautiful young woman discovers that she has a unique connection to the beast–one that makes her both suspect…and bait.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: ComingSoon.net has an interview with Hardwicke. Collider has seven clips from the film.

“The Rime of the Modern Mariner” (official site, trailer)
The Cast: Mark Donne, Carl Barat, Anthony Rossomando
Director: Mark Donne
Fest Cred: East End
SXSW Description: A journey out through the husks of the ancient London Docks, through sea-faring mythology, magic and superstition and back home via North Africa to discover the heart of the Modern Mariner in a globalized world.
Pre-Festival Buzz Bin: Vice has an extensive interview with Donne and Rossomando.

Watch More
Optimus Prime in TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION, from Paramount Pictures.

Rotten Apples

10 Rotten Movie Franchises That Need to Stop

Catch the "Too Rotten to Miss" movie Scary Movie 2 tonight at 8P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection

We live in the age of the blockbuster movie franchise. If you want a green-light, you better have tights, a light saber and decades worth of backstory and fan love to build on. And while we love some of these franchises, some just keep getting new entries despite horrible reviews, audience indifference and an utter lack of care from even the people making them.

With IFC and Rotten Tomatoes celebrating “too rotten to miss” movies like Scary Movie 2 this month, we thought it high time to point out just a few franchises than should be retired to the bottom of your Netflix queue. Here are 10 “rotten” movies franchise that need to just go away, please.

10. Transformers

Transformers
Dreamworks Pictures

Hollywood execs, we get it. You grew up in the ’80s, and now you want to produce everything you loved as a child, only make it a lot worse. Here’s the thing: while a show like Stranger Things took all the tropes and style of ’80s movies, and created something new, lingerie commercial director Michael Bay went the opposite way, taking a title and basic concept, and creating a pile of garbage made out of robot parts.

If poop jokes mixed with racism, misogyny and incoherent fight scenes are your thing, this is the franchise for you. If you have even the slightest respect for character or basic story logic, you have to admit this franchise has been awful from frame one. Yes, we were alive in the ’80s, but some things are best left in the past. Unfortunately, with a sixth movie, a Bumblebee spin-off and a proposed G.I. Joe/Transformers crossover movie in the works, this franchise will probably outlive us all.


9. Scary Movie

Scary Movie
Dimension Films

True, its been a couple of years since we’ve been subjected to one of these, but you know that Jamie Kennedy or the Epic Movie guys are sitting in a writers room somewhere, pitching jokes on how to merge The Purge with a fart joke. This franchise started out in a mediocre place, a Wayans family knockoff of better movies like Airplane, and things went downhill from there. You shouldn’t be able to spin five movies out of a few Scream jokes and a Carmen Electra cameo.


8. Alvin and the Chipmunks

Alvin and the Chipmunks
20th Century Fox

Designed to appeal to kids who love ’50s novelty albums and pun-y titles, the Chipmunk franchise feels like it was made by a prop comic from the Uncanny Valley. Full of rapping CGI rodents, and a paycheck cashing Jason Lee, 20th Century Fox has somehow made over a billion dollars off a series of diminishing “Squeakquels.” We do secretly sort of hope these movies keep getting made, just so David Cross keeps getting forced to star in them.


7. X-Men

X-Men Oscar Isaac
20th Century Fox

If we can all be honest with ourselves, these movies have been a mixed bag for the past decade. (Even the foul-mouthed spin-off Deadpool made fun of how self-serious the franchise has become.) In an ever expanding quest to turn the series into a dumbed-down version of the moody mutants’ ’90s cartoon, the stories have gotten paper-thin, the performances phoned in and the monster makeup just this side of Grimace cosplay. (We’re looking at you, X-Men: Apocalypse.)

Do we really need to see Hugh Jackman’s take on Wolverine for the ninth time? There is only so much steamed chicken and protein powder this man can eat before this franchise legitimately becomes a form of torture. Fox Studios, there are enough superheroes on the big screen right now. Maybe let this one go, and a decade from now Marvel can reclaim it and make some good movies again.


6. Tarzan

Tarzan
Warner Bros.

There have been over 200 projects starring Tarzan since pictures started motioning at the turn of the last century. 200! This vaguely racist story of a white man taming the, ahem, Dark Continent, has been told ad nauseam. We know Hollywood loves to keep beating iconic characters into the ground, and Tarzan probably has near universal name recognition, but that doesn’t mean that anyone wants to, you know, go and watch a movie about the guy, no matter how ripped Alexander Skarsgard’s abs are.


5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tarzan
Paramount Pictures

These “heroes in a half shell” were a stretch for movie stardom back at the peak of their popularity, but thanks to some ingenious work by The Jim Henson Company, and Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap,” they were able to have a moment during the early ’90s.

Now, decades later, Michael Bay’s desperate desire to ruin all of our childhoods has found its way to these pizza loving turtles with ‘tude. The CGI monstrosities that have resulted can barely be called movies. Like the Transformers franchise, but with more creepy scenes of an anthropomorphic turtle hitting on Megan Fox, these movies are a nail in the coffin of ’80s nostalgia, and need to be put to bed before Bay starts sniffing around the Thundercats.


4. Now You See Me

Now You See Me
Summit Entertainment

Magic tricks are impressive when you see them performed live. The fun is in wondering how they could possibly do that. When you watch a bunch of Christopher Nolan castoffs performing CGI tricks created in post production, the only thing you’re left wondering is what the point even was.

This is perhaps the strangest movie franchise to come along in awhile, a collection of genres tropes quilted together by a cavalcade of filmdom’s best supporting actors. Take a bit of Ocean’s Eleven, and a touch of The Prestige. Add a pinch of Morgan Freeman and James Franco’s brother, and cross your fingers that audiences will be dumb enough to line up for a sequel to that movie they didn’t totally hate when they saw it on an airplane that time.


3. God’s Not Dead

Pure Flix Entertainment
Pure Flix Entertainment

The Christian movie genre has blown-up over the last decade. God’s Not Dead, and its sequel, were beneficiaries of this expanding audience, raking in tens of millions of dollars at the box office. But, despite connecting with an audience, all is not well in God’s Not Dead-land.

These insipid movies, that never met a straw man they didn’t hate, tell laughable stories about the evils of college campuses and the ACLU, full of cartoonish villains whose sole purpose in life is to crush good Christian souls. With a “who’s who” of “Remember Them??” in the cast, including TV’s Superman Dean Cain and TV’s Hercules Kevin Sorbo, these movies are as poorly produced as the message they’re espousing. God may not be dead, but the careers of the filmmakers behind these movies should be.


2. Bridget Jones

Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

It’s been more than a decade since the last Bridget Jones movie was foisted on us, and in that time young Bridget has remained the same self-involved, unrealistically clumsy mess. With pacing that makes each movie feel 10 hours long, sub-par slapstick and an unlikeable lead, the Bridget Jones trilogy too often feels like Sex and the City without the sex or the city.

Just because the book series your franchise is based on churns out another entry doesn’t necessarily mean you need to get the gang back together. Well, some of the gang, considering Hugh Grant wisely let Dr. McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey fill in for him this go around. Remember when Renee Zellweger was an acclaimed, Oscar-winning actress? Yeah, that was a long time ago…


1. Avatar

20th Century Fox
20th Century Fox

Seriously, is anyone really excited for the four sequels that James Cameron has promised us to this box office breaking blockbuster from 2009? Yes, at the time the 3D wonderland of CGI planets and tail sex was a revelation, making us overlook the fact that we were watching a hokey Dances With Wolves knockoff starring an actor with the approximate charisma of a broken toaster. But over the last few years, Avatar has slipped from the public consciousness. When’s the last time you popped in your Blu-ray of it, or saw someone cosplaying a Na’vi, or even mentioned it in casual conversation? If Cameron were making one sequel, okay, but four? FOUR? Maybe it’s best to just remember Avatar for what it was — a blue-hued fluke, and move on.

Catch the “Too Rotten to Miss” flick Scary Movie 2 this Friday at 8P on IFC.

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Grub Club

How “Juan Likes Rice & Chicken” Nails Foodie Culture

Watch "Juan Likes Rice & Chicken" anytime on IFC.com, Apple TV and the IFC app.

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We’ve all seen those delicious food documentaries that turn dinner into porn one slow motion shot at a time. Well, the boys behind Documentary Now! have too, and this week they’ve aimed their eye for spot-on homage at foodie docs with their latest episode, “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken.”

Here are a few of the ways “Juan,” which you can watch now on IFC.com, Apple TV and the IFC app, nails the absurdity of those Instagramming hipsters who treat food like fine art.

Foodies Will Go Anywhere for a Trendy Restaurant…Even Up a Mountain

“Juan” knows that foodies will hit up the latest hot restaurant, even if they have to march miles through the jungle without any water just for a taste of Three Michelin star-awarded chicken. And what if Juan doesn’t catch the bird and decides fate has determined there will be no chicken on the menu that day? Well, if you’re anything like the food chasing freaks that populate “Juan,” you muster a smile and tell yourself it was all worth it, as long as one Facebook friend is jealous of your trip.

They Obsess Over Celebrity Chefs

Juan Cast

Chefs used to be anonymous. They were the faceless folks back in the kitchen, doing the grunt work so you could enjoy a nice meal with friends and family. Nowadays, they are the Beyoncés of cuisine, attracting fans from around the world, dropping new restaurants like pop stars drop albums, and showing up on cooking shows more than pinches of salt. The monosyllabic Juan of “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken” is no different, despite the fact that he hasn’t left his jungle hideaway for decades. Once you start making waves in the food world, there’s no turning back. If you don’t come to the fame, the fame comes to you.

Comfort Foods Become High Cuisine

Juan Rice

Hot dogs. Dumplings. Donuts. Croissants. Croissant Donuts. Foodies love nothing more than discovering a new twist on a comfort food favorite. Except this common, everyday food isn’t like how mom made — it’s prepared by acclaimed chefs and often requires a second mortgage to taste. Juan’s cuisine couldn’t be simpler — a cup of coffee, a banana sliced in half, rice with a bit of butter and (on most days) chicken. But thanks to endorsements from chef David Chang and food critic Jonathan Gold, food geeks can’t wait to taste Juan’s take on a dish they could easily whip up at home.

Every Bite Is a Sensual Experience

Juan Rice

There is nothing a good food documentarian loves more than the slow motion shot. A fire exploding from a BBQ pit. Hands running through a barrel of coffee beans. Dew dripping from freshly picked parsley or a hand running through rice. “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken” knows that the trick to making foodies care about the seemingly bland items being prepared is to film them in slow motion. All of a sudden, a pile of nuts becomes a delight for the senses.

Offbeat Cooking Methods? Foodies Love ‘Em

Juan Cannon

It’s not enough to grill some chicken. Much like a famous Portlandia sketch, foodies want to know if it’s local, and will go to the ends of the Earth to find out. We want to believe that the best way to prepare chicken is to wrestle the bird to the ground, and if it bests us, it gets to live for another day. That’s why foodies flock to Juan, with his extensive list of “dos and don’ts” when it comes to food preparation. Of course you should shoot raw chicken through an air cannon. Why haven’t we thought of that???

A Foodie’s Dark Secret? They Love Bad Food

Diego Fun Restaurant

Here’s another secret of foodie culture that “Juan” understands: We secretly love crap food. Sure, we’ll trudge miles off course for the supposedly perfect chicken Juan prepares, but we also love to sneak away to Fuddruckers, or Juan’s son Diego’s “Fun Restaurant,” where you can write on the menu and have Skittles on your chicken. Now that’s worth Snapchatting!

Watch Documentary Now!’s take on foodie culture now on IFC.com, Apple TV and the IFC app
.

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Scary Movie 2 cast

Wrong Wayans

10 Rotten Wayans Brothers Movies

Catch the Certified Rotten comedy Scary Movie 2 Friday at 8P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Dimension Films/Everett Collection

There was a time, not so long ago, that the Wayans family was synonymous with hilariously biting satire. With movies like I’m Gonna Git You Sucka and the classic sketch series In Living Color, the Wayans clan dominated culturally relevant comedy. But on the heels of those early successes, the Wayans began pumping out comedies filled cheap jokes and lazy spoofs that failed to match the incisive, message-driven works that the family produced in the late-’80s and early-’90s. Still, while all the movies on the list below are “Certified Rotten,” some are more dire than others.

Before you catch Scary Movie 2 on IFC’s Rotten Fridays, here are 10 movies that show the Wayans at their most (and slightly less) “rotten.”

1. A Low Down Dirty Shame (Tomatometer: 0%)

Surprisingly, the lowest rated Wayans movie on Rotten Tomatoes doesn’t contain a single Scream mask or CGI-faced toddler. Instead, it’s a poorly executed action-comedy written, directed by and starring Wayans elder Keenen Ivory. A far cry from his earlier acclaimed work, A Low Down Dirty Shame is a forgettable collection of mediocre stunts and jokes that can’t sustain itself either as an action or a comedy movie — and “forgettable” is the death knell for purveyors of outrageousness.


2. Fifty Shades of Black (7%)

The most recent entry in the Wayans’ oeuvre, Fifty Shades of Black is a spoof of a book whose parodies were exhausted five years ago. Rather than search for a new comedic angle to the novel’s corny BDSM meets Twilight fan fiction story, star Marlon Wayans (who also co-wrote and co-produced the movie) opts for the surface-level sight gags that always seem to anchor his family’s projects. Overuse of slapstick violence? Check. Cheap jokes at the expense of obese individuals? Check. A Kim Kardashian joke? Check and mate. Fifty Shades of Black isn’t so much a movie as it is an extended trailer from a different Wayans movie.


3. A Haunted House (10%) and A Haunted House 2 (8%)

Returning to the horror-comedy well for a double-dose of eye rolls and heavy sighs, writer-producer-star Marlon Wayans peddles the very same jokes that hit their middling apex with the first Scary Movie. From unseen poltergeists to dead-eyed dolls, Marlon proves there’s no overused horror trope that he can’t scream at and hit with a breakaway chair. But seeing as how both A Haunted House movies made substantial profits based on rock-bottom production costs, there will always be a market for lazy, easily recognizable parodies.


4. Little Man (12%)

For anyone who was dying to see Marlon Wayans’ face rotoscoped onto a horny toddler, your prayers were answered in 2006 with Little Man. A comprehensive argument against the advancement of CGI, the Marlon-baby hybrid sexually harasses woman and screams in homophobic panic when Shawn joins him in a bubble bath for a farting contest. (We wish we were kidding.) And you’ll never guess how Little Man reacts when he’s given a rectal thermometer! Wait, maybe you could.


5. Mo’ Money (13%)

After the world witnessed what the Wayans were capable of in recent years, this loose adaptation of an In Living Color sketch seems downright quaint and watchable. Written by Damon (who stars alongside Marlon), 1992’s Mo’ Money contains an actual plot with actual characters who have believable motivations — which is a huge departure from the family’s later work — but it still fails to maintain much interest. Gay jokes and broad impressions of mental disorders abound while the two brothers commit credit card fraud and grand larceny. In other words, it’s not the Wayans’ worst movie.


6. Blankman (13%)

To the Wayans’ credit, they were trying their hand at the “average person fights crime as a superhero” movie years before the genre was played out with Kick-Ass, Super, Mystery Men, et al. (Not that this 1994 film is very good, but at least they were exploring relatively new territory.) Blankman stars and was written by Damon, who plays a nerdy, effeminate repairman who takes on the crime world with homemade gadgetry and undiagnosed autism. There are a few decent laughs in the movie, and the concept isn’t wholly terrible, but the 13% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is definitely earned.


7. Scary Movie 2 (15%)

The second and final entry in the Scary Movie franchise to involve a Wayans, the sequel to the hit horror spoof features a surprisingly high amount of comedy talent (Chris Elliott, David Cross and Andy Richter also appear) and contains parody set pieces that were still effective in the early years of the Wayans spoof factory. Keenen Ivory directs while Shawn and Marlon write and star, and the whole affair manages to coast on the appeal of its predecessor. While we didn’t realize it then, Scary Movie 2 represents a more refined Wayans work.


8. White Chicks (15%)

Look, we’re not made of stone. The sight of Shawn and Marlon as white women elicits a snicker or two, and the stars mumbling through a Vanessa Carlton singalong is a solid gag. But the movie itself never rises above the level of “men in drag” cliches like falsie fumbling and keeping clueless male suitors at bay. Once again serving as director and co-writer, Keenen Ivory reins in his younger brothers’ performances and penchant for gross-out gags, maintaining a storyline that can serve as a tangible plot. It ain’t Tootsie, but it ain’t Norbit either.


9. Dance Flick (18%)

Written by a quintet of Wayans (including nephews Craig and Damien Dante), this 2009 dance spoof has an embarrassment of riches when it comes to source material. Critically panned — but not to the degree of other Wayans parodies — the movie features New Girl’s Damon Wayans, Jr. as the trainer to hopeless prancer Shoshana Bush and has more than a few laughs. (Call us morbid, but a real-life baby peeking through the slots of a closed school locker makes us chuckle.)


10. Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (29%)

Winning over both audiences and more than a few critics, Don’t Be a Menace kicked off the slew of wordy spoofs we’ve all come to regret. But in 1996, Shawn and Marlon’s rapid-fire references hadn’t yet overstayed their welcome and kept viewers entertained. Skewering John Singleton, the Hughes Brothers and the urban dramas of the time, the movie succeeds in eking out comedy from the stark subject matter it chooses to parody. How well the movie has aged is debatable, but to the Wayans’ credit: They know a reliably profitable formula when they see one.

Catch the “Too Rotten to Miss” Wayans spoof Scary Movie 2 this Friday at 8P on IFC.

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