DID YOU READ

The Rules of Movie Quoting

The Rules of Movie Quoting (photo)

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If I didn’t quote movies, I might not be married.

I have a weird memory for dialogue. If you asked me what I ate for lunch yesterday, it could take me ten minutes of piecing my week together to figure it out. If you asked me to tell you what George Costanza said to Jerry Seinfeld when Jerry announced he wasn’t going to have a menage a trois with two women, I’d have the answer instantly (“What? Are you crazy?!? This is like discovering plutonium by accident!!!”). It’s just this strange way I’m wired. I’ve gotten a rotten brain. “IT’S ROTTEN, I TELL YA! ROTTEN!”

How’d this antisocial behavior land me such a beautiful wife? Despite my incredible physique and raw animal magnetism, I was a bit of a dork when I was 19 years old. I used to quote a lot of stuff, but my favorite was “Austin Powers” and its sequel. “Austin Powers” was so widely quoted in the late 90s that my lovely wife — who never quotes any movies — often quoted “Austin Powers” at parties. Two mutual friends noticed this and thought our shared love of Fat Bastard was a strong basis for a relationship. Eleven years later, I think it’s safe to say they were right; “love actually is all around.”

So quoting movies can be a force for good in the universe. In 2011 though, movie quoting’s role in a film nerd’s life has changed. In the days before the Internet, there were no message boards or blogs where you could meet people who shared your passion. Comparing movie quotes was how you did that. They were like secret Masonic handshakes; a way for cinephiles to identify and connect with other cinephiles. In the days before YouTube, before DVD chapter stops, before IMDb “Memorable Quotes” pages, movie dialogue was like a geek badge of honor. It required work. It showed you cared. As Lester Bangs says in “Almost Famous,” “the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we’re uncool.”

As Patton Oswalt observed in his now-infamous piece for Wired, “Wake Up Geel Culture. Time to Die,” all of those technological advancements brought movie quoting to the masses. They practically made it cool, however briefly, to quote “Austin Powers.” And let’s not forget, before “Austin Powers” went mainstream with its mega-grossing sequel (right around the time file sharing really started to take off), it was basically a cult film. Being able to recite Dr. Evil’s shushing run doesn’t have the cache it used to (if it ever did in the first place) because anyone can find a transcript of it online. Unless you’re one of those people who’s “okay with being unimpressive,” it’s not enough.

Last Friday, a friend forwarded me an article from Splitsider, along with a note, “Thought this would be up your alley.” He was right. The article, by Luke Kelly-Clyne, is called “Please Stop Quoting These Comedies Forever Immediately,” and obviously my alley is a dark and nerdy place where “Monty Python” falsettos endlessly echo off the blacktop. Kelly-Clyne’s concedes to occasionally indulging in the practice of quoting memorable lines for movies, but believes a moratorium is needed on certain titles, including “Anchorman,” “Wedding Crashers,” and “Borat.” Here is his rationale for eliminating “Borat” from the movie quote lexicon:

“It was shocking and wacky, yes. Six years ago. The whole thing is over. If you’re at a party where the host is giving out those memory-eraser pens from “Men In Black,” then you can quote “Borat.” Otherwise, don’t.”

I don’t have a problem with people being sick of “Borat” quotes — I’m sick of them too — but I think there is an arbitrariness to Kelly-Clyne’s piece. He lists ten things you should never quote, and ten things you should quote, and there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two lists. Don’t quote “Chappelle Show” sketches about Rick James, he says, but do quote sketches involving Nick Cannon. Mostly, these lists read like one film lovers’s personal tastes. That’s why we need a standardized set of rules for movie quoting, rules that move beyond simple subjective judgments to acknowledge the pleasure of quoting without denying that pleasures’ limits. Sort of a “The first rule of Fight Club is…” thing.

I feel like I need more time to mull The Rules of Movie Quoting. But this is a solid first draft:

RULE #1: If you don’t know it, don’t quote it.

Like I said, I love a good movie quote. But if you don’t have a quote right, you shouldn’t be reciting it to others. Now that the Internet has made this kind of knowledge so much more accessible, there’s really no excuse not to have a movie quote’s wording and phrasing exactly right. The only thing less cool than quoting a movie is quoting a movie incorrectly. Do it, just do it right. “I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.”

RULE #2: Respect and understand your audience.

There is a time and place for movie quoting. But there are also wrong times and wrong places for movie quoting. For example: if you’re in the theater, waiting for a sequel, don’t sit there and quote the original movie. We all get it, the first movie was great; that’s why we’re here to see the second one. This is the cinematic equivalent of wearing a band’s T-shirt to their concert. “Don’t be that guy.”

RULE #3: Go for the deep cuts.

A repertoire of movie quotes is like a stock portfolio: diversity is key. Back in the Stone Age (pre-2000), movie quotes were about shared experience. Now, they need to become more about connoisseurship. To a lowest common denominator movie quoter, the question “What’s that from?” is a conversational kiss of death. It shouldn’t be. Quoting something obscure can be a pop culture gateway, a chance to share something you love with someone who hasn’t discovered it yet.

“Borat” is a fun movie, but we’ve all done it. Same for “Austin Powers” and “This is Spinal Tap” and “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Instead, try something a little more unusual: “Wet Hot American Summer,” or “Quick Change,” or Arnold Schwarzenegger’s commentary track for “Conan the Barbarian.” Be different, but remember: “just because it’s loud doesn’t mean it’s funny.”

I think this is a really good starting point but I welcome your feedback and suggestions in the comments section below and at my Twitter page. If you don’t like it then “up your butt with a coconut.” No refunds if you disagree with me, either. “Consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!”

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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