DID YOU READ

The Rules of Movie Quoting

The Rules of Movie Quoting (photo)

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If I didn’t quote movies, I might not be married.

I have a weird memory for dialogue. If you asked me what I ate for lunch yesterday, it could take me ten minutes of piecing my week together to figure it out. If you asked me to tell you what George Costanza said to Jerry Seinfeld when Jerry announced he wasn’t going to have a menage a trois with two women, I’d have the answer instantly (“What? Are you crazy?!? This is like discovering plutonium by accident!!!”). It’s just this strange way I’m wired. I’ve gotten a rotten brain. “IT’S ROTTEN, I TELL YA! ROTTEN!”

How’d this antisocial behavior land me such a beautiful wife? Despite my incredible physique and raw animal magnetism, I was a bit of a dork when I was 19 years old. I used to quote a lot of stuff, but my favorite was “Austin Powers” and its sequel. “Austin Powers” was so widely quoted in the late 90s that my lovely wife — who never quotes any movies — often quoted “Austin Powers” at parties. Two mutual friends noticed this and thought our shared love of Fat Bastard was a strong basis for a relationship. Eleven years later, I think it’s safe to say they were right; “love actually is all around.”

So quoting movies can be a force for good in the universe. In 2011 though, movie quoting’s role in a film nerd’s life has changed. In the days before the Internet, there were no message boards or blogs where you could meet people who shared your passion. Comparing movie quotes was how you did that. They were like secret Masonic handshakes; a way for cinephiles to identify and connect with other cinephiles. In the days before YouTube, before DVD chapter stops, before IMDb “Memorable Quotes” pages, movie dialogue was like a geek badge of honor. It required work. It showed you cared. As Lester Bangs says in “Almost Famous,” “the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we’re uncool.”

As Patton Oswalt observed in his now-infamous piece for Wired, “Wake Up Geel Culture. Time to Die,” all of those technological advancements brought movie quoting to the masses. They practically made it cool, however briefly, to quote “Austin Powers.” And let’s not forget, before “Austin Powers” went mainstream with its mega-grossing sequel (right around the time file sharing really started to take off), it was basically a cult film. Being able to recite Dr. Evil’s shushing run doesn’t have the cache it used to (if it ever did in the first place) because anyone can find a transcript of it online. Unless you’re one of those people who’s “okay with being unimpressive,” it’s not enough.

Last Friday, a friend forwarded me an article from Splitsider, along with a note, “Thought this would be up your alley.” He was right. The article, by Luke Kelly-Clyne, is called “Please Stop Quoting These Comedies Forever Immediately,” and obviously my alley is a dark and nerdy place where “Monty Python” falsettos endlessly echo off the blacktop. Kelly-Clyne’s concedes to occasionally indulging in the practice of quoting memorable lines for movies, but believes a moratorium is needed on certain titles, including “Anchorman,” “Wedding Crashers,” and “Borat.” Here is his rationale for eliminating “Borat” from the movie quote lexicon:

“It was shocking and wacky, yes. Six years ago. The whole thing is over. If you’re at a party where the host is giving out those memory-eraser pens from “Men In Black,” then you can quote “Borat.” Otherwise, don’t.”

I don’t have a problem with people being sick of “Borat” quotes — I’m sick of them too — but I think there is an arbitrariness to Kelly-Clyne’s piece. He lists ten things you should never quote, and ten things you should quote, and there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two lists. Don’t quote “Chappelle Show” sketches about Rick James, he says, but do quote sketches involving Nick Cannon. Mostly, these lists read like one film lovers’s personal tastes. That’s why we need a standardized set of rules for movie quoting, rules that move beyond simple subjective judgments to acknowledge the pleasure of quoting without denying that pleasures’ limits. Sort of a “The first rule of Fight Club is…” thing.

I feel like I need more time to mull The Rules of Movie Quoting. But this is a solid first draft:

RULE #1: If you don’t know it, don’t quote it.

Like I said, I love a good movie quote. But if you don’t have a quote right, you shouldn’t be reciting it to others. Now that the Internet has made this kind of knowledge so much more accessible, there’s really no excuse not to have a movie quote’s wording and phrasing exactly right. The only thing less cool than quoting a movie is quoting a movie incorrectly. Do it, just do it right. “I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.”

RULE #2: Respect and understand your audience.

There is a time and place for movie quoting. But there are also wrong times and wrong places for movie quoting. For example: if you’re in the theater, waiting for a sequel, don’t sit there and quote the original movie. We all get it, the first movie was great; that’s why we’re here to see the second one. This is the cinematic equivalent of wearing a band’s T-shirt to their concert. “Don’t be that guy.”

RULE #3: Go for the deep cuts.

A repertoire of movie quotes is like a stock portfolio: diversity is key. Back in the Stone Age (pre-2000), movie quotes were about shared experience. Now, they need to become more about connoisseurship. To a lowest common denominator movie quoter, the question “What’s that from?” is a conversational kiss of death. It shouldn’t be. Quoting something obscure can be a pop culture gateway, a chance to share something you love with someone who hasn’t discovered it yet.

“Borat” is a fun movie, but we’ve all done it. Same for “Austin Powers” and “This is Spinal Tap” and “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Instead, try something a little more unusual: “Wet Hot American Summer,” or “Quick Change,” or Arnold Schwarzenegger’s commentary track for “Conan the Barbarian.” Be different, but remember: “just because it’s loud doesn’t mean it’s funny.”

I think this is a really good starting point but I welcome your feedback and suggestions in the comments section below and at my Twitter page. If you don’t like it then “up your butt with a coconut.” No refunds if you disagree with me, either. “Consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!”

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New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

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IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 

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IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

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Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

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Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

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And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

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Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

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Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

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Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

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Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

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Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

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If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.