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Revisiting the Madness of “Birdemic”

Revisiting the Madness of “Birdemic” (photo)

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One of the greatest worst movies ever made, “Birdemic: Shock and Terror,” comes out on DVD and Blu-ray tomorrow (you can also rent it from Netflix). In commemoration of this historic day, here is my feature on the film’s New York City premiere in March of 2010.

A few minutes past midnight on Friday, a man in a gray suit and bright red tie took to the stage of the IFC Center’s Theater One and, to the applause of the sold-out audience, proudly waved a wire coat hanger in the air like an athlete brandishing the Olympic torch. This borderline deranged behavior would only draw an enthusiastic positive response at two places: a Joan Crawford impersonators’ convention or the New York City premiere of “Birdemic: Shock and Terror,” a eco-horror romantic thriller that has been dubbed “the next hilariously great cult movie” by no less an appropriate outlet than Vulture.com.

The hanger-wielding man in the suit was “Birdemic” writer/director James Nguyen, a software salesman by day who boasted that he “went to the film school of Hitchcock cinema” during the introductory Q & A. Arguably, he also could’ve attended the film school of Ed Wood cinema, since “Birdemic” feels far more indebted to Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” with its blend of ultra-low budget filmmaking and cuckoo bananas ecological message, than anything by the Master of Suspense.

To be clear: I mean that as a compliment. I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face even before the end of the opening credits sequence, which blends title cards like “Moviehead Pictures Presents… A Moviehead Production” with the most artless, endless and pointless driving scenes since “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” “Birdemic” is the rare film worthy of comparison to “Plan 9,” “Troll 2,” “Battlefield Earth” and “The Room” as one of the best bad movies ever made. A still of any of its laughably unconvincing bird-related special effects would be the ideal illustration in any reprinting of Susan Sontag’s 1964 essay “Notes on ‘Camp’, “ particularly if placed alongside the paragraph that reads:

“In naïve, or pure, Camp the essential element is seriousness, a seriousness that fails. Of course, not all seriousness that fails can be redeemed as Camp. Only that which has the proper mixture of the exaggerated, the fantastic, the passionate, and the naïve.”

Ed Wood had aliens threaten mankind for their use of atomic energy. Nguyen has two different characters — an ornithologist and a treehouse-dwelling hippie — deliver subtlety-free pro-environment monologues that pin the blame for the avian chaos on mankind’s wasteful habits. During his introduction, Nguyen cribbed from an old Jack Warner line in his claim that the film was “not here to send a message. If I wanted to do that I’d use a post office.” Yet “Birdemic”‘s shock and terror is rooted in a kind of didactic ecological panic that makes M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” look relatively cogent in comparison.

My own personal measuring stick for camp movie greatness has five dimensions: poor acting, bad dialogue, enormous plot holes, technically incompetent filmmaking, and inexplicable personal touches indicative of the naïve passion Sontag talked about. “Birdemic” hits them all. It has a leading man (Alan Bagh) who always looks like he just woke up from a nap. It has lines of dialogue like “That was a great movie! ‘An Inconvenient Truth!'” It has characters who make hilariously bad decisions, like stopping for a leisurely outdoor picnic in the middle of a bird invasion. It has a timeline that makes absolutely no sense — in one implausible and very busy week, the hero makes $1 million when his software company is acquired by Oracle, invents a new kind of non-silicon-based solar panel, builds a start-up company around it, convinces a venture capitalist to invest $10 million in his idea, gets a new girlfriend and is attacked by hundreds of eagles and vultures. Finally, “Birdemic” has maybe the worst sound mix of any film that has ever received a theatrical release in major venues around the country. (You know what the last line of the film is? Me neither. I couldn’t hear it over the sound of the wind howling through the microphone.)

And it’s all done in support of Nguyen’s deeply felt and clumsily delivered lefty politics, which come through in the go-green speechifying, the character who repeatedly wears an ImaginePeace.com T-shirt, and a bunch of interminable driving scenes which initially seem to exist only to pad the running time but are ultimately revealed as a poorly chosen stab at social commentary. The characters in “Birdemic” literally drive themselves to death, a clunky Woodian metaphor for the message Nguyen insists he’s not sending. It was just as the director predicted in his introduction. “After they make love,” he told us, “when the eagles and vultures attack, you will understand why the eagles and vultures attack.”

Nguyen was referring to the “they” of Bagh’s software salesman Rod and Whitney Moore’s aspiring lingerie model Nathalie, who’s having an impressive week herself. She goes from a photo shoot in a strip mall film development lab straight to the cover of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Incredible! Although Nguyen insisted “there’s foreboding, there’s foreshadowing” during Rod and Nathalie’s courtship, other than a few ominous news reports and one dead bird at the beach, there’s no warning of impending birdoom until Rod and Nathalie consummate their relationship in a sex scene that ends with a pan down to the couple playing footsie. The next morning, they awake — she in her underwear and he fully dressed (including his belt!) — to the sounds of birdestruction.

In the resulting panic, Rod and Nathalie run into a couple who, without immediate explanation, just happen to have a bunch of assault rifles in their van. (The infamous wire hangers are the weapon of choice to fend off the birds until they can reach the guns). They flee the birdevastation in their California hometown of Half Moon Bay and stop at a car crash, where they somehow know a boy is hiding inside the trunk of one of the vehicles even though everyone else in the car is dead and he doesn’t make any noise.

Instead of seeking safety somewhere birds couldn’t get them — say, a building with a large concrete basement — Rod and Nathalie’s strategy for avoiding birds is to go to all the places birds like to hang out, like the beach or the forest, and run away from them. Do these people deserve to die? I wouldn’t go that far. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say they deserve to live, either.

Asked what he hoped people would take away from his film, Nguyen said, “After 90 minutes, after good laughs and being entertained, I hope some of you walk away thinking.” The crowd, which applauded, cheered, rhythmically clapped, groaned and laughed throughout “Birdemic” lingered in the lobby long after the film ended, huddled in groups, talking enthusiastically about the experience. At least one viewer walked away thinking something — that he had seen something truly remarkable. And if birds start to kill people, the beach is probably not the safest place to hide.

UPDATE: To promote the “Birdemic” DVD, director James Ngyuen spoke with The Wall Street Journal and mentioned he is working on a “Birdemic” sequel, the awkwardly titled “Birdemic 2: The Resurrection 3-D.” Nguyen told WSJ‘s Todd Gilchrist, “We’re shooting in real 3-D with actual 3-D equipment, and I’ve completely mastered the art of 3-D cinematography.” I would make a joke here, but do I really need to?

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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