DID YOU READ

“The Bachelor” is the Worst and Best Show On Television

“The Bachelor” is the Worst and Best Show On Television (photo)

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Love is about sacrifice. Marriage teaches me that every Monday night, when I have to sacrifice my desire to watch football so that my wife can indulge her love of crap television to watch “The Bachelor.” As a result, I’ve seen a lot of “The Bachelor” myself over the last couple of years. God help me, I’ve even come to enjoy it.

That’s because “The Bachelor” is more than just a television show. It is the television show, the show that exemplifies all that is terrible and wonderful about our celebrity-obsessed culture. It purports to be a reality show twist on the old “Dating Game,” but it has absolutely no connection to reality whatsoever. It’s really a “fantasy show,” a television drama starring people loosely playing themselves in romantic fantasy about long walks in the mountains and candlelit dinners on the beach and one dude trying to sleep with ten women all at once.

That this story of socially acceptable polygamy is sold to viewers as a long-form story of fairy tale love is just one of the many of contradictions at “The Bachelor”‘s core. Really, the show is all contradictions, the best and worst show on television all at once, and all the things that make it a crime against humanity are the same things that make it essential viewing. Here are just a few of those things:

It Is Basically Impossible to Fall in Love on “The Bachelor”

Fourteen previous seasons of “The Bachelor” have produced the same amount of “winning” married couples as “Rock of Love.”

In other words, none.

True, Bachelor Jason Mesnick married one of the rejects from his season, but only after dumping the woman he had actually proposed to on national television during the most hilariously uncomfortable reunion show in reality history. So that’s one successful relationship in nine years. If any dating service produced results that bad, they would be out of business.

That makes “The Bachelor” terrible because the entire show is predicated upon the notion that two people who meet on a TV show can fall madly in love, but the show itself has proven time and time again that that is almost impossible. “The Bachelor”‘s marriage batting average makes Mario Mendoza look like Ted Williams. At this point, anyone who becomes a contestant on “The Bachelor” is either a)doing it to become famous or b)absolutely crazy.

But that also makes it amazing because these crazy women seem so genuinely smitten with this guy. They go on one date with him — at the same time as ten other women, mind you — and are lucky to kiss him once. But when he sends them packing, they walk away sobbing, their emotions shattered into a million pieces. Nobody likes to get dumped, especially not on camera, but they’ve talked to this dude for maybe a sum total of three and a half hours! General rule of thumb: if I’ve had bus trips longer than your relationship, you can’t be that upset when it ends.

The Bachelor Himself Is A Dud

This season’s “elligible’ bachelor is Brad Womack. He is the first two-time bachelor in series history. Back on season 11, Womack decided not to propose to either of the finalists because he wasn’t in love with either of them. Seems sensible to me, but on “The Bachelor,” not picking one of the finalists is the worst thing you can ever do. On “The Bachelor,” you’re better off murdering a dolphin with your bare hands than dumping both of the finalists.

Don’t believe me? In this season’s premiere Womack claims he’s villified wherever he goes for leaving his first go-around single. If you ask me, Womack’s the most sensible bachelor “The Bachelor”‘s ever had. He didn’t fall in love so he didn’t cheapen the already debased concept of marriage by going through with a sham proposal he would have bailed on six weeks after the season finale. But according to “Bachelor” viewers, Womack’s refusal to participate in this charade made him one of the worst men who ever lived. Hitler. Stalin. Womack.

But just because I think Womack was smart doesn’t mean he’s a great catch. Here’s what we know about his private life based on this season’s premiere: he was abandoned by his father, has trust issues, suffers from panic attacks. He spends his free time watching himself on television, eating cereal alone, jogging alone, and staring out his window thoughtfully alone. He doesn’t appear to have any friends, and he doesn’t have much of a personality. He doesn’t appear to have a job, either. He’s a former bartender whose listed profession on “The Bachelor”‘s Wikipedia page is “Returning Bachelor.” All this guy has going for him is a good body and an extremely comfortable looking couch. Would you go on a dating show, risk humiliation and heartbreak, leave your family and friends, potentially lose your job, all for a shot at that package? It doesn’t matter, because the show found thirty women who would.

That makes “The Bachelor” terrible because you stare at the television in disbelief and wonder what these women see in this guy. I mean if “The Bachelor” was set in some post-apocalyptic wasteland, and Brad Womack was the last fertile man alive in the Forbidden Zone, I could understand the attraction. But right now, this looks like an awful lot of fuss over a six pack and a leather sectional.



But that also makes it amazing because you get to watch these women lose their minds over Brad Womack. Seriously, the show’s only been on for four weeks, and these women are getting so competitive for this schmendrick’s attention that one girl, Michelle, has already expressed her desire to kidnap her fellow contestants. We’re getting dangerously — and excitingly — close to a prison-style shanking at the weekly rose ceremony. Which brings us to my next complaint/highlight…

All the Women On This Show Are Absolutely Crazy

I love women. I think they are special and beautiful creatures. There are times watching “The Bachelor” when I wonder if the creators of this show disagree. They seem to have designed this program to showcase women at the very worst: at their most jealous, their cruelest, their most competitive, their most needy. It’s not really their fault. The Bachelor” puts them into the world’s most glamorous jail. There’s no television or phones or Internet. All they have is their desire for Brad Womack and their desire to keep him from everyone else. When Brad’s not around, when he’s out on a date with someone or he’s eating cereal alone with his shirt off, they have nothing to do but sit around that “Bachelor” mansion and talk about him and each other.

Even worse, an astounding number seem to be carrying huge emotional scars from their past relationships with men. They’ve all been either abused or left or divorced or widowed. And now they’re trying to heal their wounds on “The Bachelor.” So you know that’s not going to end well.

That makes “The Bachelor” terrible because these women deserve better than to have their pain exploited for crass television and laughed at by assholes like me.



But that also makes it amazing because, on a socialogical level, it is absolutely fascinating to see just how quickly the rules of polite society vanish when you put 20 women in a house, take away all forms of entertainment and communication, and tell them to all fall in love with the same man at once. Also, it’s really funny.

It Absolutely Tortures The Contestants

The structure of any given episode of “The Bachelor” is as follows: the remaining female contestants sit around a large and extraordinarily well-lit mansion waiting for a communiqué from Brad Womack. He goes on a one-on-one date and decides whether he’d like to keep that woman around, then a group date with most of the rest of the girls and decides which of that group he’d like to keep around, then a second one-on-one date with another bachelorette he has to decide to keep or dump. At the end of the episode he has to hand out roses to the rest of the women he wants to stay. Anyone who doesn’t have a rose at that point has to hit the bricks.

The show doesn’t ever explain how Womack picks the women for the one-on-one dates. But I’m beginning to suspect that Womack has nothing to do with it all all, and that it’s actually the producers who pick which companion he takes where. Because without fail, every date the Bachelor has is the worst possible date he could have imagined for that woman. So either Womack is the most insensitive and unluckiest man on the planet or the producers are intentionally picking the contestants most likely to hate each date they’ve planned.

For example, last week on the show Womack went walking on the ocean floor with Chantal (who hates deep water) then later went rappelling down the side of a skyscraper with Michelle (who hates heights). You might have heard about next week’s notorious group date where Womack takes a NASCAR driver’s widow named Emily to a NASCAR track. Sounds bad, but it couldn’t be any worse than date Brad and Emily’s first date, when Womack flew Emily in a private plane not unlike the one that her husband died in so he could wisk her away to a “romantic” picnic at a winery.

That makes “The Bachelor” terrible because in any other situation, in any other context, that would be Brad and Emily’s first and last date. But “The Bachelor” loves to portray these nightmare rendezvous as important personal milestones. They’re conquering their fears as they’re falling in love!

But that also makes it amazing because you get to watch these poor women freak out and sweat, and cry, and shatter that veneer of fake charm that they wear at all times on the show because they know they’re on camera and don’t want to look bad in front of a couple million people. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I really enjoy that. And if you’re watching “The Bachelor” and you’re being honest, you do too.


You can watch every episode of this season of “The Bachelor” on Hulu.

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Bro and Tell

BFFs And Night Court For Sports

Bromance and Comeuppance On Two New Comedy Crib Series

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“Silicon Valley meets Girls meets black male educators with lots of unrealized potential.”

That’s how Carl Foreman Jr. and Anthony Gaskins categorize their new series Frank and Lamar which joins Joe Schiappa’s Sport Court in the latest wave of new series available now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. To better acquaint you with the newbies, we went right to the creators for their candid POVs. And they did not disappoint. Here are snippets of their interviews:

Frank and Lamar

via GIPHY

IFC: How would you describe Frank and Lamar to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Carl: Best bros from college live and work together teaching at a fancy Manhattan private school, valiantly trying to transition into a more mature phase of personal and professional life while clinging to their boyish ways.

IFC: And to a friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Carl: The same way, slightly less coherent.

Anthony: I’d probably speak about it with much louder volume, due to the bar which would probably be playing the new Kendrick Lamar album. I might also include additional jokes about Carl, or unrelated political tangents.

Carl: He really delights in randomly slandering me for no reason. I get him back though. Our rapport on the page, screen, and in real life, comes out of a lot of that back and forth.

IFC: In what way is Frank and Lamar a poignant series for this moment in time?
Carl: It tells a story I feel most people aren’t familiar with, having young black males teach in a very affluent white world, while never making it expressly about that either. Then in tackling their personal lives, we see these three-dimensional guys navigate a pivotal moment in time from a perspective I feel mainstream audiences tend not to see portrayed.

Anthony: I feel like Frank and Lamar continues to push the envelope within the genre by presenting interesting and non stereotypical content about people of color. The fact that this show brought together so many talented creative people, from the cast and crew to the producers, who believe in the project, makes the work that much more intentional and truthful. I also think it’s pretty incredible that we got to employ many of our friends!

Sport Court

Sport Court gavel

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Joe: SPORT COURT follows Judge David Linda, a circuit court judge assigned to handle an ad hoc courtroom put together to prosecute rowdy fan behavior in the basement of the Hartford Ultradome. Think an updated Night Court.

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Joe: Remember when you put those firecrackers down that guy’s pants at the baseball game? It’s about a judge who works in a court in the stadium that puts you in jail right then and there. I know, you actually did spend the night in jail, but imagine you went to court right that second and didn’t have to get your brother to take off work from GameStop to take you to your hearing.

IFC: Is there a method to your madness when coming up with sports fan faux pas?
Joe: I just think of the worst things that would ruin a sporting event for everyone. Peeing in the slushy machine in open view of a crowd seemed like a good one.

IFC: Honestly now, how many of the fan transgressions are things you’ve done or thought about doing?
Joe: I’ve thought about ripping out a whole row of chairs at a theater or stadium, so I would have my own private space. I like to think of that really whenever I have to sit crammed next to lots of people. Imagine the leg room!

Check out the full seasons of Frank and Lamar and Sport Court now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”


Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”


But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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