Tick tock, tick tock. The number of shopping days in which you can safely get away without paying exorbitant overnight shipping fees and still get presents into deserving (or at least, greedy) hands by Christmas are swiftly trickling away. Whatever shall you buy your nearest and dearest to both say “I love you” and “There’s a recession on, bitches”? Don’t worry, IFC is here to help all you procrastinators and mall haters with your Christmas shopping needs. With our list and your credit card, while Santa’s still trying to cram that 96″ 3-D enabled plasma screen television down the chimney, you will be done shopping and sitting by the fireplace, cracking open an Old Style, chomping on a candy cane, and listening to rappers singing, “Ho ho ho.” And that is the true meaning of Christmas.
Here’s What to Buy To Make Your Friends Happy and Santa Jealous:
11. Tupac and/or Mickey Rourke Art. Heck, pay an artist to air brush them both onto the back of your acid-washed jean jacket.
10. Bob Dylan’s Hand-Written Lyrics. Perfect for your baby boomer parents who haven’t yet recognized that Kanye West is the new Bob Dylan. Or was it M. Ward is the new Bob Dylan? Or maybe Bob Dylan is the new Bob Dylan? Whatever, just buy it.
9. Porn. Every man in your family will totally get it. In fact, it would be on the top of their Christmas list if they weren’t convinced those little elves would swipe it for themselves.
8. Stocking Stuffers. People don’t hang their socks on the wall for nothing! Fill those puppies with a variety of excellent DVDs, including all the extras.
6. A Geekgasm. When you give the geeks on your list the DVD trio of “Inception” “Cronos” and “Videodrome”, you are giving love and understanding.
5. A Field of Dreams. Or rather the field of dreams.
4. The 10 Best Straight-to-DVD releases of the year. Help your friends and loved ones increase their indie cred by introducing them to some excellent movies that weren’t shown at the local cineplex.
3. The Danny Elfman Music Box. You know you want it, so of course your grandma does too.
2. Wilco Coffee. Wake up to the fresh taste of Jeff Tweedy in your cup. Mmmm.
1. The Corleone Mansion. If anyone on your list claims they don’t want this, just call them “Fredo” until they change their mind. For infinity if necessary.
See also: Chuck Norris Gift Guide