DID YOU READ

The Chuck Norris Gift Guide

The Chuck Norris Gift Guide (photo)

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Everyone we know loves Chuck Norris more than they love their own flesh and blood. Why? Because he is always on the side of Justice, he likes to kick bad guys in the face, and he looks damn fine in a Stetson. Also, once he fought a bear. Can your flesh and blood make that claim? No they cannot. Also also, we’re a little frightened of him (see: bear fight) and all the best relationships have a soupcon of fear in them. Like in “Twilight”. Not that we’re Team Edward or Team Jacob because, clearly, we are Team Chuck and he would mop the floor with both of them with his beard. No hands, just beard. Don’t believe us? Watch Good Guys Wear Black tonight at 8:25 p.m. ET and see for yourself.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, we are officially in the Christmas shopping season. For all the Chuck Norris fans in the IFC family, we got to thinking about the greatest presents possible. Naturally our thoughts turned to Etsy, the online marketplace of handmade wonders. It offers a veritable treasure trove of Chuck Norris items for the discerning gift giver. For example, the painting featured above is available here for the low low price of $200. Is that too much for to have the stoic stare of Chuck Norris keeping watch over you at night? Of course not. Buy one for each of the eight nights of Hanukkah.

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Chuck Norris finger puppets are fun for adults and kids alike. Buy one for little Suzie and creepy Uncle Ted and Christmas shopping is done. Buy this delightful item here.

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What oenophile wouldn’t appreciate a side of ass-kicking good humor in their stocking? Available here.

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This is fine art at its finest and you should snap it up before the Guggenheim does. Buy it now!

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Chuck Norris is so cool he gets his own meme. That meme is so cool that it then gets turned into an embroidered internet meme on Etsy. Buy it for the great thinkers who appreciate a heady and meta holiday. For example, if Baudrillard was on your Secret Santa list this would be perfect for him.

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Chuck Norris is our nation’s first and last line of defense in case of Godzilla attack. Bet he’d be pretty good against zombies, too. Maybe The Walking Dead should hire him. Let’s all start mailing this postcard to Santa right now to make it so.

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Attach this pendant to any present to make it officially “Chuck Norris Approved”. The only items that will not be Chuck Norris approved are those featuring He Who Shall Not Be Named. (*cough* Jack Bauer *cough*.)

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The perfect, nay, only choice for the ladies and those gentlemen with large holes in their ears. These ear plugs say it all: Chuck Norris rules. Buy them and put a smile on your little girl’s face.

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What we’re all (yes, even you Jean Claude Van Damme) are secretly hoping is under our tree this year is a Chuck Norris magnetic action doll. Hope Santa’s elves know how to make something so awesome.

Good Guys Wear Black airs tonight on IFC at 8:25 p.m. ET

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Face Melting Cameos

The 10 Most Metal Pop Culture Cameos

Glenn Danzig drops by Portlandia tonight at 10P on IFC.

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Glenn Danzig rocks harder than granite. In his 60 years, he’s mastered punk with The Misfits, slayed metal with the eponymous Danzig, and generally melted faces with the force of his voice. And thanks to Fred and Carrie, he’s now stopping by tonight’s brand new Portlandia so we can finally get to see what “Evil Elvis” is like when he hits the beach. To celebrate his appearance, we put together our favorite metal moments from pop culture, from the sublime to the absurd.

10. Cannibal Corpse meets Ace Ventura

Back in the ’90s,  Cannibal Corpse was just a small time band from Upstate New York, plying their death metal wares wherever they could find a crowd, when a call from Jim Carry transformed their lives. Turns out the actor was a fan, and wanted them for a cameo in his new movie, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. The band had a European tour coming up, and were wary of being made fun of, so they turned it down. Thankfully, the rubber-faced In Living Color vet wouldn’t take no for an answer, proving that you don’t need to have a lot of fans, just the right ones.


9. AC/DC in Private Parts

Howard Stern’s autobiographical film, based on his book of the same name, followed his rise in the world of radio and pop culture. For a man surrounded by naked ladies and adoring fans, it’s hard to track the exact moment he made it. But rocking out with AC/DC in the middle of Central Park, as throngs of fans clamor to get a piece of you, seems like it comes pretty close. You can actually see Stern go from hit host to radio god in this clip, as “You Shook Me All Night Long” blasts in the background.


8. Judas Priest meets The Simpsons

When you want to blast a bunch of peace-loving hippies out on their asses, you’re going to need some death metal. At least, that’s what the folks at The Simpsons thought when they set up this cameo from the metal gods. Unfortunately, thanks to a hearty online backlash, the writers of the classic series were soon informed that Judas Priest, while many things, are not in fact “death metal.” This led to the most Simpson-esque apology ever. Rock on, Bartman. Rock on.


7. Anthrax on Married…With Children

What do you get when Married…with Children spoofs My Dinner With Andre, substituting the erudite playwrights for a band so metal they piss rust? Well, for starters, a lot of headbanging, property destruction and blown eardrums. And much like everything else in life, Al seems to have missed the fun.


6. Motorhead rocks out on The Young Ones

The Young Ones didn’t just premiere on BBC2 in 1982 — it kicked the doors down to a new way of doing comedy. A full-on assault on the staid state of sitcoms, the show brought a punk rock vibe to the tired format, and in the process helped jumpstart a comedy revolution. For instance, where an old sitcom would just cut from one scene to the next, The Young Ones choose to have Lemmy and his crew deliver a raw version of “Ace of Spades.” The general attitude seemed to be, you don’t like this? Well, then F— you!


5. Red and Kitty Meet Kiss on That ’70s Show

Carsey-Werner Productions

Carsey-Werner Productions

Long before they were banished to playing arena football games, Kiss was the hottest ticket in rock. The gang from That ’70s Show got to live out every ’70s teen’s dream when they were set loose backstage at a Kiss concert, taking full advantage of groupies, ganja and hard rock.


4. Ronnie James Dio in Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (NSFW, people!)

What does a young boy do when he was born to rock, and the world won’t let him? What tight compadre does he pray to for guidance and some sweet licks? If you’re a young Jables, half of “the world’s most awesome band,” you bow your head to Ronnie James Dio, aka the guy who freaking taught the world how to do the “Metal Horns.” Never before has a rock god been so literal than in this clip that turns it up to eleven.


3. Ozzy Osbourne in Trick or Treat

It’s hard to tell if Ozzy was trying his hardest here, or just didn’t give a flying f–k. What is clear is that, either way, it doesn’t really matter. Ozzy’s approach to acting seems to lean more heavily on Jack Daniels than sense memory, and yet seeing the slurry English rocker play a sex-obsessed televangelist is so ridiculous, he gets a free pass. Taking part in the cult horror Trick or Treat, Ozzy proves that he makes things better just by showing up. Because that’s exactly what he did here. Showed up. And it rocks.


2. Glenn Danzig on Portlandia

Danzig seems to be coming out of a self imposed exile these days. He just signed with a record company, and his appearance on Portlandia is reminding everyone how kick ass he truly is. Who else but “The Other Man in Black” could help Portland’s resident goths figure out what to wear to the beach? Carrie Brownstein called Danzig “amazing,” and he called Fred “a genius,” so this was a rare love fest for the progenitor of horror punk.


1. Alice Cooper in Wayne’s World

It’s surprising, sure, but for a scene that contains no music whatsoever, it’s probably the most famous metal moment in the history of film. When Alice Cooper informed Wayne and Garth that Milwaukee is actually pronounced “Milly-way-kay” back in 1992, he created one of the most famous scenes in comedy history. What’s more metal than that? Much like Wayne and Garth, we truly are not worthy.

Bogey and Bacall to Biel and Evans: The Art Of The On-Set Romance

Bogey and Bacall to Biel and Evans: The Art Of The On-Set Romance (photo)

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At 11 p.m. ET tonight we are showing London. The 2005 film follows Syd (Chris Evans) as he crashes the going away party of his ex-girlfriend, London (Jessica Biel), who is moving to California with her new boyfriend. As one is wont to do when crashing an ex’s party, Syd brings along his friendly neighborhood cocaine dealer (Jason Statham). That’s when the fun starts. Adding to the edge in the film is that Chris Evans and Jessica Biel were dating while the film was made. While she is dating Justin “Sexy Back” Timberlake now, this film will forever stand as a testament to their love that once was. Awkward now, but also sweet.

What other couples met or were dating during filming? Here are a few other romances sparked on set and forever immortalized on the silver screen:

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall met on the set of To Have and Have Not when Bacall was 19 and Bogart 45. They had two children and were married for twelve years until his death in 1957.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart play an interspecies couple in The Twilight Saga that bloomed into an intraspecies relationship. Their top secret relationship has long been gossip-rag fodder and will probably last until the final installment of the five part saga. Only 362 days until “Breaking Dawn”, you guys!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie met on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith
while Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston. Now the duo has six children and travels the world making films and causing paparazzi flash mobs:

Goldie Hawn met her long-time partner Kurt Russell on the set of the musical “The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band”, but reconnected in 1983 while filming Swing Shift. They’ve been together ever since and, yes, starred in “Overboard” together.

After meeting on the set of Woman of the Year, Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn became one of Hollywood’s most iconic couples appearing in nine films together, despite never publicly confirming their relationship.

Courtney Cox and David Arquette may be making headlines with their separation, but they once were making pink puffy hearts float over their heads on the set of Scream:

Dev Patel and Freida Pinto warmed hearts as the couple at the center of Danny Boyle’s Slumdog Millionaire. And they are still making us go awwwwww as real life sweethearts:

Newlyweds Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer claim that their too-hot-for-the-networks love scenes in True Blood are real. So, um, don’t watch with your parents:

Who is your favorite on-set romance? Tell us in the comments.

London airs tonight at 11 p.m. ET, Thursday, Dec. 2 at 4:00 a.m. ET, Friday, Dec. 17 at 1:45 a.m. ET

What To Watch On IFC: November 29-December 30

What To Watch On IFC: November 29-December 30 (photo)

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The Thanksgiving leftovers are dwindling. December is nigh. Hanukkah starts soon and the Christmas shopping season is upon us. That means every time you step foot in a mega mall, local coffeeshop, independent bookstore, or car wash you will be serenaded with Christmas carols. The carols will range from muzak to hip hop to hipster, but they will, for the most part, be terrible. Don’t risk getting infected with an alt-polka “Oh Holy Night” earworm and instead stay inside watching IFC. 100% Muzak free.

Here’s what to watch this week on IFC:

Monday

We are still unwrapping new-to-us episodes of Undeclared every Friday night at 11 p.m. ET. Then on Mondays you can watch it live with IFC’s own Matt Singer. Tune in Mondays at 11 p.m. ET at ifc.com/ifc-live and do your best Statler or Waldorf impersonation among friends who will truly appreciate it.

Tuesday

Welsh rockers Lost Prophets are bringing their hard rocking ways to 360 Sessions. Here’s the video for their single “Last Train Home”. Turn it up loud! Unless you’re at work.

Wednesday

Between Chuck Norris in Good Guys Wear Black at 8:25 p.m. ET and Jason Statham in London at 11 p.m. we are kicking Hump Day’s butt. Better the bottom than the face.

Thursday

All hail Guillermo Del Toro! His darkly beautiful fairytale Pan’s Labyrinth airs at 11 p.m. ET.

Friday

After tuning in for the latest installment of Undeclared at 11 p.m. ET, get your Ken Russell fix when Gothic airs at midnight. With Gabriel Byrne, Julian Sands, and Natasha Richardson, you will be spending your Friday night in excellent company.

Saturday

Put on your finest leather pants and saw off your shotguns, because we are showing Mad Max at 8:30 p.m. ET.

Sunday

Do your Darren Aronofsky homework before seeing “Black Swan”. To help you wow your friends with your in-depth knowledge of his oeuvre, we are showing Requiem for a Dream at midnight ET.

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