DID YOU READ

Documentaries to “Exit” 2010 With and More New DVDs

Documentaries to “Exit” 2010 With and More New DVDs (photo)

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A look at what’s new on DVD today:

“Gasland” (2010)
Directed by Josh Fox
Released by New Video Group

“Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work”
Directed by Ricki Stern and Annie Sundberg
Released by MPI Home Video

“Exit Through the Gift Shop” (2010)
Directed by Banksy
Released by Oscilloscope Laboratories

If you haven’t caught up on the year’s best documentaries in time to fill out your top 10 list, three of them will be hitting DVD shelves this week, beginning with Josh Fox’s Sundance award-winning “Gasland,” an exploration of the “hydraulic fracturing” going on in own backyard, a type of drilling that has spread to 34 states in the U.S. and has left a host of reservoirs of toxic waste and frequent gas explosions along the way. For something less serious, but equally compelling, there is also Ricki Stern and Annie Sundberg’s “Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work,” which follows the comedienne through one of the busiest years of her life as she works on her ever-evolving act, deals with her unique brand of fame and breaks through her legendarily retouched exterior to reveal the trials and tribulations of surviving over a half-century in show business. And last but certainly not least, art provocateur Banksy’s “Exit Through the Gift Shop,” which has been available on demand and on iTunes for a few weeks, is getting a deluxe DVD set courtesy of Oscilloscope Laboratories, though don’t expect any new revelations on Banksy’s identity in the special features for this film where a paparazzo named Thierry Guetta reverses roles with the elusive graffiti artist and becomes a cause célèbre named Mr. Brainwash. (Alison Willmore’s review of “Exit Through the Gift Shop” is here.)

“The A-Team” (2010)
Directed by Joe Carnahan
Released by Fox Home Entertainment

It took awhile for “Narc” director Joe Carnahan to find his niche, but bloated action blockbusters may be just his speed. That’s no backhanded compliment as “The A-Team” is far more fun than it has any right to be, reviving the ’80s TV series about a group of dishonorably discharged army specialists whose latest mission is to clear their names after being framed by their rivals, with a warped sense of humor and flying tanks. Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, “District 9″‘s Sharlto Copley and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson star as the quartet.

“The Back Nine” (2010)
Directed by Ron Vignone
Released by Magnolia Home Entertainment

This documentary features Jon Fitzgerald as an average golfer who aims to make the professional tour while barely keeping above par in balancing his day job and family.

“The Black Pirate” (1926)
Directed by Albert Parker
Released by Kino

Douglas Fairbanks’ silent swashbuckler, famous for being one of the first films to experiment with Technicolor, is getting a pristine new Blu-ray courtesy of Kino.

“A Complete History of My Sexual Failures” (2008)
Directed by Chris Waitt
Released by MPI Home Video

Chris Waitt turns the camera on himself for this 2008 Sundance fave in which he looks back at all his past relationships and figures out where they went wrong.

12112010_Cyrus.jpgCyrus (2010)
Directed by Jay and Mark Duplass
Released by Fox Home Entertainment

The Duplass brothers long avoided the overtures of Hollywood in favor of having total control of their projects, but early word is that they were able to bring their loose, improvisational style to their first film for Fox Searchlight, a comedy starring John C. Reilly as a middle-aged divorcé who finds love with a new girlfriend (Marisa Tomei), but must vie for her attention with her grown son (Jonah Hill) who lives with her. Consider the film a bit of a dream project for Hill, who places “The Puffy Chair” among his favorite films – and it didn’t disappoint, as Hill told Matt Singer at SXSW.

“Dear Mr. Gacy” (2010)
Directed by Svetozar Ristovski
Released by Anchor Bay Entertainment

Arguably the only thing creepier than a film with William Forsythe is a film where Forsythe plays John Wayne Gacy. Svetozar Ristovski directs this film based on conversations between the serial killer and a college student (Jesse Moss) who reaches out to him for a school project, developing an unusual relationship as they test each other’s limits.

“Despicable Me” (2010)
Directed by Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud
Released by Universal Home Entertainment

Before “Megamind,” “Despicable Me” was the year’s first computer-animated film to feature a supervillain who begins to change his ways. Steve Carell voices Gru, a dapper evil mastermind who takes in three orphaned girls for his latest plot to rule the world and winds up caring for them. The Neptunes provide the score.

“Disengagement” (2007)
Directed by Amos Gitai
Released by MPI Home Video

This politically-charged drama starring Juliette Binoche has taken its time to make it across U.S. shores, telling the story of a woman who travels to Israel with her estranged stepbrother after the death of her father to look for the daughter she abandoned two decades prior and get caught in the country’s military pullout of the Gaza Strip in 2005. Jeanne Moreau, Liron Levo and Hiam Abbass co-star.

12112010_DoubleTake.jpg“Double Take” (2010)
Directed by Johan Grimonprez
Released by Kino

Multimedia artist Johan Grimonprez’s latest continues to indulge his fascination with cinematic suspense that he examined with his surreal 2005 Hitchcock-inspired short “Looking for Alfred” by rejiggering film and television clips to create a parallel narrative to the 1960s that positions Hitchcock as a history professor caught up in the Cold War frenzy. British novelist Tom McCarthy co-wrote the script that sees Hitchcock battling his mirror image (Burrage) as television battles for supremacy over cinema. (Bruce Bennett’s review of the film is here.)

“Fishmen and Their Queen” (1995)
Directed by Sergio Martino
Released by Mya Communication

A sequel to “Island of the Fishmen,” schlocky Italian director Sergio Martino’s follow-up centers on two teens who navigate a radioactive wasteland to find an island where they’re enslaved by a sea queen and must fight for their survival.

“Frenemy” (2009)
Directed by Gregory Dark
Released by Lionsgate

Back when Zach Galifianakis was doing porn…actually, that’s not quite true, but it’s a testament to the “Due Date” star’s increasing level of fame that Lionsgate has dusted off this 2009 comedy, originally titled “Little Fish, Strange Pond,” from softcore-turned-legitimate director Gregory Dark. A veteran of the Hollywood, Austin and Cinequest Film Festivals, this comedy actually stars Matthew Modine as a killer whose conscience manifests itself into a companion named Mr. Jack (Callum Blue), sharing a deep conversation about existential matters until they’re rudely interrupted by a robbery at an adult bookstore owned by Galifianakis’s shady Bucky. Adam Baldwin, Paul Adelstein and Liza Weil co-star.

“Guy Maddin: Quintessential 5 Films from the Heart”
Directed by Guy Maddin
Released by Zeitgeist Video

Maddin’s 1990’s “Archangel,” 1992’s “Careful,” 1997’s “Twilight of the Ice Nymphs,” “Dracula: Pages from a Virgin’s Diary,” and 2004’s “Cowards Bend the Knee” fill out this four-disc set, but it’s the extras of this limited edition box that make the collection of the Canadian filmmaker’s recent works that make it really special with an hour-long doc narrated by Tom Waits, audio commentaries on each film by Maddin and assorted cast and crew, six of Maddin’s shorts, radio interviews, “imagined audition reels,” production design collages and more.

“The Immaculate Conception of Little Dizzle” (2009)
Directed by David Russo
Released by Tribeca Film

Seattle-based filmmaker David Russo’s first feature was reportedly inspired by his own experience as a janitor, serving up sci-fi/comedy hybrid that stars Marshall Altman as a recently laid off computer programmer who turns to mopping up floors and cleaning toilets for a new job, which becomes considerably more interesting when the cookies he eats at the corporation he works for result in his giving birth to a blue fish. Tania Raymonde, Vince Vieluf and Natasha Lyonne co-star.

“The IT Crowd: The Complete Fourth Season”
Released by MPI Home Video

We don’t feature many TV shows as part of this column, but we’ll make a shameless exception for “The IT Crowd” – if you can’t get enough on IFC, repair to the basement of Reynholm Industries where Roy, Moss and Jen toil away in this office comedy.

“Killjoy 3” (2010)
Directed by John Lechago
Released by Full Moon Entertainment

If you were aware there was a “Killjoy” 1 or 2, you might be interested to know there’s a third, continuing the rampage of Trent Haaga’s killer clown, who pulls in a group of college students through a magic mirror in order to torture them.

12112010_LastInternationalPlayboy.jpg“The Last International Playboy” (2008)
Directed by Steve Clark
Released by MTI Home Video

A veteran of the Slamdance and Oxford Film Festivals in 2008, Jason Behr steps into the titular role of a man whose luck with the ladies doesn’t extend to his true sweetheart from childhood (Monet Mazur) who’s getting married to another, which when combined with the suicide of his mother, leads him to befriend an 11-year-old neighbor (India Ennenga) to confide his troubles. Krysten Ritter co-stars.

“Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole” (2010)
Directed by Zack Snyder
Released by Warner Home Video

After popularizing the use of CG environments with live actors, “300” and “Watchmen” director Zack Snyder went the whole way with computer animation in this adaptation of Kathryn Lasky’s series of novels about an army of owls who are tasked with protecting the owl kingdom against an uprising. Jim Sturgess, Helen Mirren, Ryan Kwanten, Joel Edgerton, Hugo Weaving and David Wenham lend their voices to the birds.

“Micmacs” (2010)
Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Released by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

“Amelie” director Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s latest elaborate mouse trap of a movie stars French comedian Dany Boon as Bazil, a man who lives one day at a time, thanks to a bullet lodged in his brain from a freak gun accident. He then makes it his mission to initiate a war between the local arms factories and recruits a collection of oddballs including a human cannonball (Dominique Pinon) and a contortionist (Julie Ferrier) to put his plan into place. (Nick Schager’s interview with Jeunet and Matt Singer’s review of the film are here.)

“Mother and Child” (2010)
Directed by Rodrigo Garcia
Released by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

“Nine Lives” director Rodrigo Garcia that takes a few notes from its executive producer Alejandro González Iñárritu in weaving together the stories of a nurse (Annette Bening) who gave up a baby as a teen, her grown-up biological daughter (Naomi Watts) and a woman (Kerry Washington) who is looking to adopt since she can’t conceive. Jimmy Smits, David Morse and Samuel L. Jackson play the men in their lives. (Matt Singer’s review is here.)

“Nanny McPhee Returns” (2010)
Directed by Susanna White
Released by Universal Home Video

Thanks to the mindboggling international success of Emma Thompson’s toothy caretaker, there was demand for a second installment which sees Nanny McPhee head to the farm of a mother of three (Maggie Gyllenhaal) while her husband’s away at war. Ewan McGregor, Ralph Fiennes, Maggie Smith and Rhys Ifans are among the heavyweights who offer support.

“The Nature of Existence” (2010)
Directed by Roger Nygard
Released by Walking Shadows

“Trekkies” director Roger Nygard goes to an even more final frontier than space in this doc that surveys such minds as Orson Scott Card, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Richard Dawkins, Leonard Susskind, the late Irvin Kershner and more in an effort to get the answer to one of most fundamental of questions.

12112010_OtherGuys.jpg“The Other Guys” (2010)
Directed by Adam McKay
Released by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg play low-level cops who stumble into the case of their careers after a parking violation leads to the exposure of a massive Ponzi scheme in the latest from “Step Brothers” director Adam McKay. Michael Keaton, Eva Mendes, Steve Coogan, Samuel L. Jackson, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson co-star. (Matt Singer’s review is here.)

“Resonnances” (2006)
Directed by Philippe Robert
Released by Synapse Films

The good folks at Synapse usually know their stuff, so this low-budget French thriller about a guy and his three female pals whose trip into the mountains for a getaway that turns into a nightmare involving an escaped convict and an underground beast is probably worthwhile for horror fans.

“Seeing Heaven” (2010)
Directed by Ian Powell
Released by Breaking Glass Pictures

One man’s search for his twin brother in the underground world of gay hustling and porn shoots leads him to have unusual visions in this horror film from Brit director Ian Powell.

“Slave” (2010)
Directed by Darryn Welch
Released by Phase 4 Films

Natassia Malthe stars as a woman who thinks she’s going to meet the father of her fiancé in Spain when she’s abducted and sold into sex slavery as her fiancé tries to figure out where she’s disappeared to in this horror film from Darryn Welch.

“Taxi Zum Klo” (1980)
Directed by Frank Ripploh
Released by Breaking Glass Pictures

Frank Ripploh’s semi-autobiographical film about a gay school teacher in West Berlin torn between his public and private identity is getting a remastered director’s cut in honor of its 30th anniversary.

“The Town” (2010)
Directed by Ben Affleck
Released by Warner Home Video

Ben Affleck directs and stars in this adaptation of Chuck Hogan’s novel “Prince of Thieves” about bank robbers whose allegiance to each other is tested when a witness (Rebecca Hall) to their latest heist threatens their operation and the FBI, led by Jon Hamm’s dogged investigator, begins to close in. (My review of the film is here.)

12112010_TheTrotsky.jpg“The Trotsky” (2009)
Directed by Jacob Tierney
Released by Tribeca Film

Canadian actor/director Jacob Tierney has already finished his second collaboration with the very busy Jay Baruchel called “Good Neighbours,” but in the mean time, you can catch his first, this comedy that stars the “Undeclared” star as a high school student in Montreal who believes he’s the second coming of Leon Trotsky and aims to bring Marxism to the public schools after getting transferred there by his father.

“Trouble in Mind: 25th Anniversary Special Edition” (1985)
Directed by Alan Rudolph
Released by Shout! Factory

Shout! Factory is giving another spin to Alan Rudolph’s neo-noir starring Kris Kristofferson, Keith Carradine, Lori Singer and Genevieve Bujold as denizens of the shadowy Rain City.

“True Grit” (1969)
Directed by Henry Hathaway
Released by Paramount Home Video

For a point of comparison with the Coen brothers’ adaptation of Charles Portis’ novel about a grizzled U.S. Marshal and a Texas Ranger come to the aid of a young woman to find her father’s killer, Paramount is releasing the Blu-ray of John Wayne’s Oscar-winning version of the film.

[Additional Photos: “Cyrus,” Fox Searchlight, 2010; “Double Take,” Kino, 2010; “The Last International Playboy,” MTI Home Video, 2010; “The Other Guys,” Columbia Pictures, 2010; “The Trotsky,” Tribeca Film, 2010]

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Swimming To Cambodia Spalding Gray

Gray's Anatomy

Everything You Need to Know About the Movie That Inspired “Parker Gail’s Location is Everything”

Brand new Documentary Now! airs Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Cinecom Pictures

This week Documentary Now! spotlights a master monologist with “Parker Gail’s Location is Everything.” Before you tune in at 10P this Wednesday on IFC, check out our guide to Swimming to Cambodia, the 1987 film that captured writer/performer Spalding Gray’s acclaimed one-person show.

Spalding Gray 101

Swimming to Cambodia
Cinecom Pictures

Actor and renowned monologist Spalding Gray spent two years on stage perfecting his Obie Award-winning “Swimming to Cambodia” monologue. In it, Gray tells the story of his eight weeks in Southeast Asia while shooting the 1984 Academy Award-winning movie The Killing Fields. He had a small role, but the experience gave him several anecdotes about hanging out with the film crew and experiencing the local culture, all while searching for “the perfect moment.”

Directed by the Silence of the Lambs Guy

Hannibal Lecter
Orion Pictures/Everett Collection

Acclaimed filmmaker Jonathan Demme took Gray’s two-night, four hour performance and crafted it down to 85 minutes. His use of dramatic lighting, stylish camerawork and a score by performance artist Laurie Anderson was praised by critics and earned the film a cult following. No stranger to groundbreaking docs, Demme also directed the 1984 Talking Heads concert film Stop Making Sense, which Documentary Now! pays tribute to in this season’s episode “Final Transmission.”

All about the Voices

While it may have been a one-man show, Gray created a repertoire of characters all with distinctive accents. (He portrayed conversations between himself and others just by turning his head.) Our favorite impressions are of his demanding girlfriend Renee and Ivan Strasberg, the South African director of photography on The Killing Fields who, as depicted by Gray, sounds a bit like a Jamaican surfer.

The Original Cranky New Yorker

In one memorable scene, Gray rants about how his noisy upstairs artist neighbors are driving him and Renee crazy. Even in the mid-’80s, there were New Yorkers complaining that the city wasn’t what it used to be.

Show and Tell

Swimming to Cambodia
Cinecom Pictures/YouTube

A big fan of visual aids, Gray used pull-down maps to illustrate his travels. This helped to bring Swimming to Cambodia to life, since he’s basically sitting at a desk the entire time.

Inspired One-Person Shows

Gray’s groundbreaking performances in Swimming and other documentaries like Monster in a Box and the Steven Soderbergh-directed Gray’s Anatomy (about Gray’s struggle with a rare eye condition) paved the way for future one-person shows. (We wouldn’t have everything from Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” to Mike Birbiglia’s “Sleepwalk With Me” without him.) Even Doc Now! star Fred Armisen got into the one-person show act for his recent SNL monologue.

Catch Documentary Now!’s tribute to Spalding Gray when “Parker Gail: Location Is Everything” premieres Wednesday, September 28th at 10P on IFC. 

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Rocky IV Stallone Lundgren

Burning Heart

10 Reasons Why Rocky IV Is the Ultimate Rocky Movie

Catch an all-day Rocky movie marathon this Friday, September 30th on IFC.

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Photo Credit: United Artists/Everett Collection

Sure, most people love the first Rocky for its heart, gripping boxing scenes and the classic training montage. Or, you might love Creed for being both a return-to-form and a new exploration of the Rocky mythology. Maybe the thrill of seeing Mr. T and Hulk Hogan in the same movie makes Rocky III your top pick. Well, sorry, you’re wrong: Rocky IV is the greatest of all the “Italian Stallion”‘s movies.

Before you watch the all-day Rocky movie marathon this Friday, September 30th on IFC (with Rocky IV airing at 8P as part of Rotten Fridays), check out a few reasons to appreciate the fourth installment as the king of the series.

1. The Greatest Opening Ever

How many openings are able to sum up the entire conflict of the film in less than a minute and without a single line of dialogue? And how many of those movies have exploding boxing gloves? Just try to watch the opening sequence above and not be completely psyched for the pumped-up flick to come.


2. Montages!

We all know that the best part of any sports movie is the montage, and Rocky IV doesn’t give you one measly montage. There’s a recap of the previous films montage, a getting to Russia Montage, two training montages and an ending fight montage. That’s five montages! There’s probably a montage of montages snuck in there, too.


3. There’s a Full James Brown Musical Number

This movie is so packed with memorable moments, it’s easy to forget one of the first things that happens in the film: Apollo comes out to fight Drago dressed as a shirtless Uncle Sam, while James Brown and a full band play “Living in America.” To drive home the number’s patriotism, there are dancers in tuxedos and top hats, weird unitards and bowler caps, and bedazzled showgirls with headpieces for miles. Oh, and don’t forget the giant tentacled dragon statue on the stage. This is how every boxing match should start. Heck, this is how we always want to enter a room.


4. The Soundtrack

The Rocky IV soundtrack doesn’t just feature James Brown — it has rock anthems galore, all of which make you immediately want to hit the gym. From “Heart’s on Fire” by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band to “Sweetest Victory” by Touch to multiple Survivor jams, you’ll get pumped and stay pumped. Even the instrumental score rocks! Sure, sometimes it sounds like it was made on a kids Casio, but this soundtrack never quits and — to quote Robert Tepper — never takes the easy way out.


5. Abs!

Rocky IV weights

Every Rocky movie shows off Stallone’s incredible physique, but Rocky IV really ups the game. Not only do we get Dolph Lundgren mostly shirtless looking like a man machine, but we get a wide variety of scenes of Stallone doing impossible tasks. Stallone’s crazy dragon fly crunches, aka a thing no human should be able to do, automatically take this movie to the top.


6. Two words: Ivan Drago

Ivan Drago
United Artists

Not only does Rocky IV explore the global conflict between the US and the Soviet Union, but it encapsulates all of our fears of the Cold War in one perfect villain. Ivan Drago only trains with machines and science and looks like he stepped out of an Aryan Nations recruitment poster. He also only responds in short, cold phrases like “If he dies, he dies,” or “I must break you.” There’s never been a villain who we so clearly want to get the crap beat out of than Ivan Drago.


7. Rocky Makes Chores Look Badass

Rocky saw
United Artists

Rocky doesn’t need to be hooked up to machines to become the perfect fighter. All he needs are huge tires and some outdoor chores to do. No one’s ever looked cooler chopping wood and using tractor parts. Half of his training is lifting an old wagon, probably to fix a broken axle. If anything, this film inspires us to take care of that gardening work we’ve been neglecting.


8. Rocky’s Beard

Rocky IV Beard

Stallone’s beard game is truly on point in Rocky IV. And this isn’t some “I forgot to shave, here’s a little stubble” look. No, we get full out, lumberjack-style beard action. Does any other Rocky movie have our hero looking like an old Russian aristocrat? Another point for Rocky IV.


9. There’s a robot!

Again, there’s so much to Rocky IV, you probably forgot about the robot. Well, Rocky has some money now and he’s not going to spend it on frivolous things for himself. He’s going to buy Paulie a robot! The best part of this scene is how truly disturbed Paulie is by this new technology until he gives it a sexy lady voice.


10. Rocky Ends the Cold War

If you’re still not convinced that Rocky IV is the greatest, answer this question: Does any other Rocky movie bring peace between the US and Russia?

By the end of the film, Rocky rises up to beat the seemingly undefeatable Drago. He fights so well, that even the Russians begin to appreciate his skills. Then, instead of using his victory to prove America’s superiority, he gives a rousing speech of “If I can change and you can change, everybody can change!” The whole crowd goes wild, including all of the Russian government, who we assume give up Communism immediately based solely on Rocky’s words. Stallone’s call for international reconciliation through brutal fighting and a variety of montages makes this if not one of the greatest films of all time, certainly the greatest Rocky of them all.

Catch the “Too Rotten to Miss” movie Rocky IV this Friday at 8P on IFC. 

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Optimus Prime in TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION, from Paramount Pictures.

Rotten Apples

10 Rotten Movie Franchises That Need to Stop

Catch the "Too Rotten to Miss" movie Scary Movie 2 tonight at 8P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection

We live in the age of the blockbuster movie franchise. If you want a green-light, you better have tights, a light saber and decades worth of backstory and fan love to build on. And while we love some of these franchises, some just keep getting new entries despite horrible reviews, audience indifference and an utter lack of care from even the people making them.

With IFC and Rotten Tomatoes celebrating “too rotten to miss” movies like Scary Movie 2 this month, we thought it high time to point out just a few franchises than should be retired to the bottom of your Netflix queue. Here are 10 “rotten” movies franchise that need to just go away, please.

10. Transformers

Transformers
Dreamworks Pictures

Hollywood execs, we get it. You grew up in the ’80s, and now you want to produce everything you loved as a child, only make it a lot worse. Here’s the thing: while a show like Stranger Things took all the tropes and style of ’80s movies, and created something new, lingerie commercial director Michael Bay went the opposite way, taking a title and basic concept, and creating a pile of garbage made out of robot parts.

If poop jokes mixed with racism, misogyny and incoherent fight scenes are your thing, this is the franchise for you. If you have even the slightest respect for character or basic story logic, you have to admit this franchise has been awful from frame one. Yes, we were alive in the ’80s, but some things are best left in the past. Unfortunately, with a sixth movie, a Bumblebee spin-off and a proposed G.I. Joe/Transformers crossover movie in the works, this franchise will probably outlive us all.


9. Scary Movie

Scary Movie
Dimension Films

True, its been a couple of years since we’ve been subjected to one of these, but you know that Jamie Kennedy or the Epic Movie guys are sitting in a writers room somewhere, pitching jokes on how to merge The Purge with a fart joke. This franchise started out in a mediocre place, a Wayans family knockoff of better movies like Airplane, and things went downhill from there. You shouldn’t be able to spin five movies out of a few Scream jokes and a Carmen Electra cameo.


8. Alvin and the Chipmunks

Alvin and the Chipmunks
20th Century Fox

Designed to appeal to kids who love ’50s novelty albums and pun-y titles, the Chipmunk franchise feels like it was made by a prop comic from the Uncanny Valley. Full of rapping CGI rodents, and a paycheck cashing Jason Lee, 20th Century Fox has somehow made over a billion dollars off a series of diminishing “Squeakquels.” We do secretly sort of hope these movies keep getting made, just so David Cross keeps getting forced to star in them.


7. X-Men

X-Men Oscar Isaac
20th Century Fox

If we can all be honest with ourselves, these movies have been a mixed bag for the past decade. (Even the foul-mouthed spin-off Deadpool made fun of how self-serious the franchise has become.) In an ever expanding quest to turn the series into a dumbed-down version of the moody mutants’ ’90s cartoon, the stories have gotten paper-thin, the performances phoned in and the monster makeup just this side of Grimace cosplay. (We’re looking at you, X-Men: Apocalypse.)

Do we really need to see Hugh Jackman’s take on Wolverine for the ninth time? There is only so much steamed chicken and protein powder this man can eat before this franchise legitimately becomes a form of torture. Fox Studios, there are enough superheroes on the big screen right now. Maybe let this one go, and a decade from now Marvel can reclaim it and make some good movies again.


6. Tarzan

Tarzan
Warner Bros.

There have been over 200 projects starring Tarzan since pictures started motioning at the turn of the last century. 200! This vaguely racist story of a white man taming the, ahem, Dark Continent, has been told ad nauseam. We know Hollywood loves to keep beating iconic characters into the ground, and Tarzan probably has near universal name recognition, but that doesn’t mean that anyone wants to, you know, go and watch a movie about the guy, no matter how ripped Alexander Skarsgard’s abs are.


5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tarzan
Paramount Pictures

These “heroes in a half shell” were a stretch for movie stardom back at the peak of their popularity, but thanks to some ingenious work by The Jim Henson Company, and Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap,” they were able to have a moment during the early ’90s.

Now, decades later, Michael Bay’s desperate desire to ruin all of our childhoods has found its way to these pizza loving turtles with ‘tude. The CGI monstrosities that have resulted can barely be called movies. Like the Transformers franchise, but with more creepy scenes of an anthropomorphic turtle hitting on Megan Fox, these movies are a nail in the coffin of ’80s nostalgia, and need to be put to bed before Bay starts sniffing around the Thundercats.


4. Now You See Me

Now You See Me
Summit Entertainment

Magic tricks are impressive when you see them performed live. The fun is in wondering how they could possibly do that. When you watch a bunch of Christopher Nolan castoffs performing CGI tricks created in post production, the only thing you’re left wondering is what the point even was.

This is perhaps the strangest movie franchise to come along in awhile, a collection of genres tropes quilted together by a cavalcade of filmdom’s best supporting actors. Take a bit of Ocean’s Eleven, and a touch of The Prestige. Add a pinch of Morgan Freeman and James Franco’s brother, and cross your fingers that audiences will be dumb enough to line up for a sequel to that movie they didn’t totally hate when they saw it on an airplane that time.


3. God’s Not Dead

Pure Flix Entertainment
Pure Flix Entertainment

The Christian movie genre has blown-up over the last decade. God’s Not Dead, and its sequel, were beneficiaries of this expanding audience, raking in tens of millions of dollars at the box office. But, despite connecting with an audience, all is not well in God’s Not Dead-land.

These insipid movies, that never met a straw man they didn’t hate, tell laughable stories about the evils of college campuses and the ACLU, full of cartoonish villains whose sole purpose in life is to crush good Christian souls. With a “who’s who” of “Remember Them??” in the cast, including TV’s Superman Dean Cain and TV’s Hercules Kevin Sorbo, these movies are as poorly produced as the message they’re espousing. God may not be dead, but the careers of the filmmakers behind these movies should be.


2. Bridget Jones

Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

It’s been more than a decade since the last Bridget Jones movie was foisted on us, and in that time young Bridget has remained the same self-involved, unrealistically clumsy mess. With pacing that makes each movie feel 10 hours long, sub-par slapstick and an unlikeable lead, the Bridget Jones trilogy too often feels like Sex and the City without the sex or the city.

Just because the book series your franchise is based on churns out another entry doesn’t necessarily mean you need to get the gang back together. Well, some of the gang, considering Hugh Grant wisely let Dr. McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey fill in for him this go around. Remember when Renee Zellweger was an acclaimed, Oscar-winning actress? Yeah, that was a long time ago…


1. Avatar

20th Century Fox
20th Century Fox

Seriously, is anyone really excited for the four sequels that James Cameron has promised us to this box office breaking blockbuster from 2009? Yes, at the time the 3D wonderland of CGI planets and tail sex was a revelation, making us overlook the fact that we were watching a hokey Dances With Wolves knockoff starring an actor with the approximate charisma of a broken toaster. But over the last few years, Avatar has slipped from the public consciousness. When’s the last time you popped in your Blu-ray of it, or saw someone cosplaying a Na’vi, or even mentioned it in casual conversation? If Cameron were making one sequel, okay, but four? FOUR? Maybe it’s best to just remember Avatar for what it was — a blue-hued fluke, and move on.

Catch the “Too Rotten to Miss” flick Scary Movie 2 this Friday at 8P on IFC.

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