DID YOU READ

Is “Pretty Maids All in a Row” the Weirdest Movie Hollywood Ever Made?

Is “Pretty Maids All in a Row” the Weirdest Movie Hollywood Ever Made? (photo)

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If you were outraged by those risque photos of the cast of “Glee” in GQ, I must warn you: never ever, watch “Pretty Maids All in a Row.” You know what? Don’t even read this piece. If you do, your brain might explode.

Somehow, the director of “Barbarella,” Roger Vadim, and the creator of “Star Trek,” Gene Roddenberry, got together in the early 1970s and made one of the weirdest movies ever released by a mainstream Hollywood studio (in this case MGM). Long out of circulation, with a reputation as one of the cultiest cult movies ever, it is finally available on DVD from the Warner Archive. And it is wild.

With “Pretty Maid”‘s creative pedigree, you might expect it to be science-fiction. Nope; Vadim and Roddenberry chose to collaborate on a mashup high school sex comedy and slasher film. The result is like watching someone try to make “American Pie” and “Scream” as one 90-minute movie. Boner jokes alternate with shots of dead bodies of nubile teenagers. The Osmonds sing the cheerful theme song right before a girl is discovered bent over a toilet in the men’s lavatory. Vadim and Roddenberry invite you to be aroused by their undeniably foxy cast — who peel off their clothes so quickly you’d swear they’re allergic to polyester — and then watch helplessly as they’re defiled by grabby older men and brutally murdered. Talk about having your cake! This movie lets you have the cake, then tells you it pissed in the cake and asks how it tastes.

Rock Hudson stars as Tiger McDrew, a California high school guidance counselor and football coach. He loves his family but he loves his job more, probably because his job requires him to privately administer IQ tests to the student body, a task he uses as an excuse to get many students’ bodies alone and naked in his locked sex pad office. Tiger claims he doesn’t “ball” all the female students in school, “just a few truly exceptional girls.” But here’s the thing. Vadim and Roddenberry’s conception of a Calfornia high school is like a less realistic version of Michael Bay’s conception of an Ivy League college in “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”: Everyone looks “truly exceptional.” Vadim, a Frenchman making his first English language film, has a unique vision of American high school life in the 1970s, and it looks like an episode of “Kojak” written by the staff of “Penthouse Forum.”

You see, some of Tiger’s teenage conquests start showing up dead around school. The first body is discovered by Ponce (John David Carson), a protege of Tiger’s who comes to him for help with a sexual ailment: too many erections. To help Ponce with his problem, Tiger enlists a sexy substitute teacher named Miss Smith (Angie Dickinson) to tutor Ponce at her home. He doesn’t necessarily tell her to sleep with him, but then again he doesn’t tell her not to, either. Bawdy sex comedy scenes ensue; in one, Ponce’s spontaneous hard-on knocks over a serving tray resting on his lap. As Miss Smith bends down to pick it up, she comes head to head with Ponce’s little Leon. “Oh, isn’t that wonderful!” she swoons. Another cuts from Ponce and Miss Smith in an embrace to a shot of a lawn sprinkler spraying water everywhere.

So you have Ponce and Miss Smith fooling around while Tiger lavishes his illicit attentions on his pretty maids. Meanwhile, Telly Savalas shows up to investigate the murders and make insinuating remarks to Hudson while his partner James “Scotty” Doohan looks on. And despite the fact that he spends every waking minute shagging his students, Tiger also finds time to coach the school’s football team and lead them to the big game against a local rival. That is some fierce multitasking.

By any standard definition, “Pretty Maids All in a Row” is an awful movie. Its actual comedy is a lot less funny than the extremity of its sexism. And though the revelation of the murderer’s identity mitigates this theme to some degree, it’s still fundamentally a movie about the pleasures of statutory rape. But the sheer existence of a film like this, produced and distributed by a major (and majorly confused) Hollywood studio as an attempt to cater to the increasingly sophisticated tastes of the moviegoing public, is fascinating. No boardroom notes session or studio executive tampering could ever produce something as ill-advised as “Pretty Maids All in a Row.” And that makes it unique. Maybe not good, but certainly unique.

I generally reject the notion of a “guilty pleasure;” if you truly and sincerely enjoy something, why feel guilty about it? But I’ll make an exception for “Pretty Maids All in a Row.” This movie is guilty of a lot of things. But it is a strange pleasure to watch.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
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Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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