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40 Years of “Airport”: “The Concorde… Airport ’79” (1979)

40 Years of “Airport”: “The Concorde… Airport ’79” (1979) (photo)

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In 1970, one movie invented the modern disaster film. After grossing more than $100 million at the domestic box office (adjusted for inflation, it made more than any of the “Lord of the Rings”), it spawned three sequels that stretched through the entire decade. But this landmark series is now almost totally forgotten, long eclipsed by the film that so brilliantly spoofed the genre tropes it helped define. In honor of its 40th anniversary, we’re looking back at the “Airport” franchise this week, one film at a time. Today, “The Concorde… Airport ’79,” the rare movie with an ellipsis in the title.

The Concorde… Airport ’79
Directed by David Lowell Rich

Nature of Air Emergency: A journalist (Susan Blakely) boards Federation World Airlines’ new Concorde plane with documents implicating weapons manufacturer Kevin Harrison (Robert Wagner) in illegal arms deals with America’s enemies. He tries to shoot down the Concorde and fails. He tries to shoot it down again and fails. Then he tries to make it crash and fails. Let this be a lesson to all of us: just because you make weapons doesn’t mean you’re any good at using them.

George Kennedy Plays: Joe Patroni, captain of the Federation Concorde flight from Washington D.C. to Moscow.

11112010_concorde4.jpgMost Surprising Subplot: Sometime after “Airport 1975,” where she was one of the passengers in distress, Patroni’s wife died in a car accident. Now a widower, Patroni’s back on the dating scene. During a stopover in Paris — after the Concorde’s been attacked by missiles and jets, but before it suffers explosive decompression over the Swiss Alps — his new co-pilot Paul Metrand (Alain Delon) sets him up on a date. It goes incredibly well and Patroni gets laid. The next morning, he begins to regale Metrand with stories of his conquest. Amused, Metrand confesses that Patroni’s “date” was actually a hooker that he’d paid to sleep with his lonely co-worker.

Metrand’s known Patroni for about 36 hours at this point and he’s already buying him hookers? Think about the co-worker you’ve known longest at your job. Maybe you’ve worked with them for years. Would you surprise them with a prostitute if they were feeling lonely? I think Federation World Airlines needs to reevaluate its sexual harassment training seminars.

“Airport” Makes No Sense: George Kennedy stars in all four “Airport” movies as the same guy, Joe Patroni, but he’s got a different job in each movie. So far he’s been a mechanic, an airline’s vice president, and a private contractor working for a billionaire. Obviously the guy knows airplanes, but suddenly in “Airport ’79” he knows how to fly them too. Now it’s unlikely but not impossible that Patroni was studying to be a pilot on his days off. But when Metrand asks Patroni how long he’s been flying he replies, “I stopped counting after 30 years. I’ve flown just about every aircraft there is through three wars and 40 pounds.” So he’s been moonlighting from his three other jobs at a forth job? For 30 years? Then again, Patroni also talks regretting the fact that he and his wife only ever had one child, but in previous movies he’d talked about having five kids. So maybe Patroni’s not a workaholic. Maybe he’s just a pathological liar.

11112010_concorde2.jpgCharacter You Kind of Want To Die: Jimmie Walker (J.J. from “Good TImes”) plays Boisie, a jazz musician who walks up and down the aisles of the Concorde playing his saxophone. He’s a talented guy, but what gives him the right to blast a sax in the middle of a crowded airplane? I’m sorry Boisie: you interrupt my Robert Ludlum novel, you have to die.

Lines That Makes You Wonder Whether The Whole Film Wasn’t Just An Informercial Paid For By The Air Travel Industry: “There’s nothing like her in the skies. She can maneuver with a military jet. Go just as fast. And a lot farther.”
“I think I’m falling in love.” — Metrand and Patroni admire the Concorde.

Should Have Been Parodied in “Airplane!”: Amongst the passengers on the Concorde is a Russian gymnastics coach named Markov, played by Avery Schreiber, and his deaf daughter, played by Stacy Heather Tolkin. The whole movie these two wander around the Concorde while the daughter asks questions and the father, who looks like the love child of Béla Károlyi and Gene Shalit, signs the answers back to her. The only reason these two, particularly the gregarious, big haired coach evaded the Zuckers’ aim is the fact that they were already readying “Airplane!” by the time this movie came out.

How Does It Hold Up? By 1979, “Airport” had lasted four films and nearly a decade. It wasn’t a only a matter of months before “Airplane!” came along and killed the disaster genre dead by so brilliantly making fun of its cliches and stupidity. But the fact of the matter is “The Concorde… Airport ’79” was already a self-parody of a disaster movie. The first “Airport” had Helen Hayes. The last “Airport” has Charo.

11112010_concorde3.jpgAs self-parody, “Airport ’79” is pretty funny stuff. This movie is here to do two things: show off how awesome the Concorde is and relish every chance it gets to make D-list stars uncomfortable. It’s almost a low-level torture porn, inviting us to get off on the sight of Eddie Albert, Susan Blakely, John Davidson, Jimmie Walker and the rest get blasted by wind machines and flying debris and paper.

The degree to which the film violates basic rules of physics and logic is so daring it’s almost ballsy. It presents totally unbelievable scenarios and dares you to call bullshit. For instance, The Concorde makes an emergency landing in Paris after it comes under assault from a military drone plane gone rogue. The plane depressurizes and nearly crashes on the runway at de Gaulle. If this happened in real life it would be one of the biggest news stories of the year and the incident would spark an enormous law enforcement investigation. The plane would be grounded for days or even weeks to ensure the police were able to gather all the evidence they needed, and to ensure the safety of the aircraft. But not only does the Concorde take off for Moscow as planned a day after the incident, saboteurs are able to sneak onboard and place an explosive device on its cargo door. This plane was just involved in one of the craziest mid-air dogfights in history. Nobody is around to watch it get broken into?

You could argue the laughs are intentional, but the evidence suggests otherwise. Clearly the series had run its course and was totally out of ideas. The guys who made “Airport ’79” couldn’t end the movie quick enough. The credits roll immediately after the Concorde makes a desperate emergency landing on a ski slope, and the crew and passengers evacuate just before the jet explodes. There is no resolution for any of the subplots. You don’t find out whether the sick passengers will survive, or whether the weapons manufacturer will get busted, or whether Patroni will sleep with his hooker girlfriend again. All you get is a shot of the Concorde — and the “Airport” series — flying off into the sunset. Of course, since the plane just crashed, even that shot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Strange But True: The Concorde is supposedly flying to Moscow as a sign of goodwill in anticipation of the Olympic games there in 1980. But the United States and many of its allies boycotted the 1980 games because of the 1979 Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. So way to go, “Airport ’79,” there’s another thing you screwed up.

Monday: “Airport”
Tuesday: “Airport 1975”
Wednesday: “Airport ’77”
Today: “The Concorde… Airport ’79”
Friday: “Airplane!”

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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