DID YOU READ

“Showgirls: Exposed,” wurst thing ever.

“Showgirls: Exposed,” wurst thing ever. (photo)

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The first time I saw this trailer (the director calls it a “photoplay”) for this sequel to 1995’s “Showgirl’s” I thought it was one of those horrible fan made vids that was mistaken for a real trailer. You know the ones on YouTube with the uploader comment, “lol this is my first video i luv showgurls hope u liek it lol.”

As sad as that is, the truth is even worse. A German director, Marc Vorlander, got his hands on some money and really made a sequel to one of the biggest turds of the 90’s. I love me some Paul Verhoeven, “Turkish Delight” is incredible and “Flesh+Blood” is one of my all time favorite medieval sex pictures. I quote “Total Recall” all the time, but “Showgirls” was a schizoid embolism, unfit for the human mind. I think it was the first major film, not straight out porn, that was made with genitalia in mind as the viewing audience. Well, now Vorlander has made another movie for your balls.

So I’m watching this trailer and I can’t get over how bad the music is, as usual. But this was bad music with video game bell tolls over piano lifted from “Halloween.” It’s painful, and that’s just the music. The rest might cause your pupils to hemorrhage. Then another trailer was released, and it’s as if it’s a spoof of the first one, except that it’s serious.

Twitch got their hands on this and wrote:

“Vorlander claims to have made this film with a twenty million dollar budget and if that is true then he is surely the worst director on the face of the planet or, perhaps, the most expensive director ever to be saddled with such cheap equipment.”

Vorlander read that and responded saying, “The difference between controversial art and crap is very easy: controversial art is hated, panned, discussed…[clipped bit about original “Showgirls” being case in point]. It’s demontrative that my work is acclaimed by many professionals from the industry and other artists and hated so much by folks that never made it there.”

Damn he really laid down to Twitch, but that’s always what douchebags say to people to try and harm them. I’m the hotshot etc, you’re just a poor x,y,z. Art or not, it’s shit. A 20 million dollar turd, if all the “photoplays” are any indication at all. The newer trailer below is, like I said even worse, especially the music. I get that Europeans listen to really shitty club music, but I’d think 20 million dollars could pay for something better – a wet bratwurst repeatedly slapping a kick drum would do.

I’ve never seen more female nudity and been less aroused (warning: NSFW at all). “Showgirls:Exposed” looks about as sexy as a Soviet prison in East Berlin. I think the graphics are from the same era. If you can get past the tortured Lord Vader lament in the beginning let me know. Here, you can almost smell the noxious cologne:

[via Film Drunk]

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New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

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IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 

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IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

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Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

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Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

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And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

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Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

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Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

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Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

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Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

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Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

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If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.