Michael Bay, maker of movie white noise.

Michael Bay, maker of movie white noise. (photo)

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Because of his combination of critical hatred and outlandish commercial success, Michael Bay has become a default punchline stand-in for the worst thing ever. But who doesn’t enjoy the absurdities of “The Rock,” or the first hour of “Armageddon” (before they take of)?

Defending Bay requires making elaborate arguments, claiming he’s an unsung genius (see Armond White’s claim that he “has created the best canted angles — ever” and is a “real visionary”) or Bay’s own trick of smirking “I make movies for teenage boys. Oh, dear, what a crime.”

The truth is, he’s neither the cinematic antichrist (a position reserved for your true cynics and regular producers of garbage) nor a man without the ambitions he likes to disclaim. You don’t make all that work for yourself for no reason.

But yesterday we learned two things about Michael Bay. The first came from a USA Today report from the “Transformers 3” set, where life without Megan Fox continues apace and grandiose talk of artistic ambition hangs in the air. Bay suggest that the plot (which will go into the US-USSR space race) “ties in what we know as history growing up as kids with what really happened.” “Transformers,” Cold War project? They’re going to pump the subtext from 25 years ago back in. Who would you trust to play with historical mythology more than Michael Bay?

06112010_owen.jpgThe good people at Filmdrunk have collated reports of a “Transformers 2” screening in Atlanta that ended in rioting and madness, as the combination of a free public event and free Chick-Fil-A ended in disorder. It’s edited in a very clever way to make the movie look at fault rather than what was obviously poor planning, but at the bottom comes the kicker, courtesy of writer Vince Mancini:

I had to see ‘Transformers 2’ in theaters for a radio interview I did, and the scene was a lot like this, minus the hate crimes and chicken fights. The three teenagers in front of me were texting and talking on their phones the entire movie, two guys behind me shouted at the screen the whole time, and a Guatemalan woman to my right translated every word of dialog to her husband sitting next to her at a normal, non-whisper speaking voice… This is not an isolated incident. These are Michael Bay’s people.

Personally, I don’t think Bay is evil, nor do I think his movies exclusively attract the uncivil. But his movies are loud, and they’re designed to play out at exactly the same level throughout; there isn’t any one moment that’s more important than any other. Given this, it’s important to assert yourself throughout.

When you hear him talking about “history,” it’s hard to know who he’s kidding; his movies really are designed to be so loud you can do whatever you want through them. They can be the cinematic equivalent of white noise, but there has to be a middle ground for evaluating them. They’re neither despicable nor visionary; they’re just…there, on screen, whether you take notice of them or not.

[Photos: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” Paramount, 2009; “Armaggedon,” Touchstone, 1998]


New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…


IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon.

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number!

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time.

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by.


IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo.

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim.

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t?

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?”

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud.

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.


The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”


Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).



Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.


And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.


Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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GIFs via Giffy

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.


Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.


Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!



Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.


Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.


If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.