Killer crossovers we’d love to see (and never will).

Killer crossovers we’d love to see (and never will). (photo)

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Earlier this week, Aint It Cool News reported that a proposed fifth “Die Hard” film had been given the working title “Die Hard 24/7” because “at one point, The Powers That Be mulled an idea – ‘Die Hard 5′ and the TV show ’24’ were to cross over. The intent was for Kiefer Sutherland to appear as Jack Bauer in an adventure with Bruce Willis’ John McClane. Hence ‘Die Hard 24/7.'”

The article acknowledges that the idea didn’t pan out (look instead for Sutherland in a solo “24” movie in the future), but it got me thinking all the same. There have been a few movie crossovers in the past — mostly monster movies like “Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man” (1943) and “Alien vs. Predator” (2004) — and we’re looking forward to Joss Whedon’s “Avengers” film in a few years, but crossovers at the movies are still extremely rare, probably because between rights negotiations, star salaries and egos, they’re logistical nightmares to produce. But logistics mean nothing to the imagination, so here’s a few crossovers I’d love to see (and never will):

06112010_BullittDirtyHarry.jpg“Dirty Harry” (1971) Meets “Bullitt” (1968)

Strong ties already link these films: they’re both set in San Francisco just a few years apart, and both feature music by Lalo Schifrin, not to mention the fact that Steve McQueen’s Lt. Bullitt was modeled after Det. Dave Toschi, one of the lead investigators on the Zodiac case, which served as the model for the “Dirty Harry” villain Scorpio. Neither guy has much use for partners or bosses, which makes it an ideal team-up to begin: too much bad behavior gets the two most unruly cops on the SFPD paired with one another on a case involving a series of grisly murders. I can already see Harry Callahan seething over Bullitt’s “hippie” turtlenecks and Bullitt telling one of his lady friends about how Callahan’s compensating for something with that big gun. I’d like Robert Shaw as the villain, a dirty city councilman who frames Bullitt and Harry for the crimes they’re investigating.

06112010_GodfatherGoodfellas.jpg“Goodfellas” (1990) Meet “The Godfather” (1972)

These beloved Mafia classics are set a few decades apart, but both are about the destructive impact of drugs on the world of organized crime. Plus, most of “Goodfellas” takes place in the years between “Godfather Part II” and “Part III,” so we could set our story then. De Niro’s Jimmy the Gent and Pesci’s Tommy DeVito had a habit of disrespecting authority in “Goodfellas” — it’s pretty easy to imagine a scenario where the two of them piss off another made man and have to go ask The Godfather, Michael Corleone, for a life-sparing favor. He agrees, but as usual it’s one of the make-them-an-offer-he-can’t-refuse kind of deals, which puts Jimmy and Tommy in Michael’s debt. Things would go predictably south from there, though not before Henry Hill and Joey Zasa exchange sauce recipes.

06112010_BTTFTerminator.jpg“Back to the Future” (1985) Meets “The Terminator” (1984)

Two of the most popular sci-fi franchises of the 1980s and 90s hinged on wild time travel paradoxes, so why not combine them into one insane mega-movie? If it doesn’t make any sense, who cares? Just blame it on the paradoxes! I envision one of the Schwarzenegger Terminators going back to Hill Valley, CA circa 1985 looking to acquire the Flux Capacitor the machines need to time travel back to 1984 to look for Sarah Connor (gotta love those paradoxes!). Meanwhile Marty, who learns that his son is destined to become John Connor’s most trusted lieutenant in the war against the machines, has to use the Delorean to travel to 2015 to save Marty Jr. from the T-1000 AND get home in time to stop Biff from sleeping with his girlfriend Jennifer. Heavy stuff.

06112010_SilenceoftheLambsNoCountryforOldMen.jpg“The Silence of the Lambs” (1991) Meets “No Country For Old Men” (2007)

“Lambs”‘ Hannibal Lecter and “Old Men”‘s Anton Chigurh were both villains audiences loved and even identified with in some ways. So it could be a lot of fun to see who everyone would root for if they squared off in a good old fashioned “Freddy Vs. Jason”-style slobberknocker. Our battle would take place before both films, at a time before Lecter was incarcerated by Edward Norton and/or William Petersen. After he eats the wrong person with the right wine pairing, someone puts a hit out on Lecter and Chigurh accepts the contract. The only problem I imagine here is the fact that neither character is known for letting their enemies live, which means one of them would have to kill the other, which would foul up both film’s continuity. We’d probably just have to settle with a coin flip.

What crossovers would you like to see? Maybe “The Goonies Meets The Monster Squad”? How about “Alien vs. Planet of the Apes”? Tell us in the comments section.

[Photos: “Live Free or Die Hard,” 20th Century Fox, 2007; “24,” 20th Century Fox, 2009; “Bullitt,” Warner Bros., 1968; “Dirty Harry,” Warner Bros., 1971; “The Terminator,” MGM, 1984; “Back to the Future,” Universal Pictures, 1985; “The Silence of the Lambs,” Orion Pictures, 1991; “No Country for Old Men,” Miramax, 2007]


New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…


IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 


IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.


The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”


Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).



Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.


And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.


Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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GIFs via Giffy

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.


Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.


Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!



Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.


Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.


If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.