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DID YOU READ

Disc Covering: “Enemies Among Us,” starring Billy Zane… sort of.

Disc Covering: “Enemies Among Us,” starring Billy Zane… sort of. (photo)

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The top-billed star in 1978’s “Superman” wasn’t the guy who played Superman, Christopher Reeve. It wasn’t even Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. It was Marlon Brando, playing Superman’s father Jor-El for about ten minutes in a two and a half hour movie. That works out to the star of the film appearing on screen for just 7% of the runtime. That was always my gold-standard of disproportionate credits… until I watched this week’s selection from our new direct-to-DVD column: “Enemies Among Us,” which “stars” Billy Zane in what is basically a glorified cameo.

According to my completely unscientific calculations, the top-billed Zane appears onscreen for just three and a half minutes of this seventy-five minute movie, between 4 and 5% of the runtime. He has just one long scene; long relative to his other appearances, which are brief pop-ins during the opening credits and a pre-end credits montage. He has less than 20 lines. That’s like Bill Murray getting top billing for his one scene in “Zombieland,” or selling “The Hurt Locker” as a movie starring Guy Pearce and Ralph Fiennes.

Before I forget, that brings us to BAD SIGN THAT YOUR MOVIE IS GOING STRAIGHT TO DVD #2: It stars Billy Zane. Somehow this guy went from headlining comic book movies and playing the deliciously oily villain of the biggest movie of all time to making his living entirely in the world of direct-to-DVD. The last time I remember even seeing Zane in a theatrical release was his cameo as himself in “Zoolander.” That was almost nine years ago. How did this happen? Is he impossible to work with? Does he have outrageous salary demands? Does God hate Billy Zane?

I just don’t know. Then again, Zane just made more money for three and a half minutes of screentime than a lot of folks make in a year. So it’s not all bad. Let’s get to the movie.

06012010_enemiesofthestatedvd.jpg“Enemies Among Us” (2010)
Directed by Dan Garcia

Tweetable Plot Synopsis: The corrupt governor of Louisiana kills a hooker-slash-assassin; a morally conflicted cop debates whether or not to cover it up.

Salable Elements: The aforementioned Zane, plus supporting (but far larger) roles by Eric Roberts and Robin Givens and one impressive shot of a car exploding.

Biggest Success: “Enemies Among Us” achieves the sort of timeliness that only happens by chance. The film establishes the corruption of Louisiana Governor Chip Majors (James DuMont) at a press conference where he boasts that his state has “for years been a pioneer in off-shore drilling” and announces a new Aphrodite drill platform. Later, a reporter presses an equally slimy Presidential candidate about “cozy relationships with Big Oil that have cost this nation dearly.” Writer/director Dan Garcia is maybe the only guy benefiting from the BP oil spill. Without it, these references would look as shamelessly didactic as the rest of his attempts at topicality, which include characters motivated by mortgage foreclosures, and bankruptcies, and subplots about waterboarding and campaign finance violations. This is a movie about police officers, government officials, journalists, homemakers, terrorists and intelligence agents who all talk exactly the same: like indignant political pundits.

Biggest Failure: Besides the film’s inability to deliver on the promise of Billy Zane in a prominent role? That would be the film’s inability to go more than a scene without at least one brazenly cliched bit of dialogue. There’s too many to pick just one example, so let’s pick five favorites:

06012010_enemies3.jpg5)“I’m gonna kick ass and take names!” Rowdy Roddy Piper was making fun of this line back in 1988. That was 22 years ago. Piper’s line from “They Live” can legally drink now. Time to update this one.

4)“If it blows up, it’s on you!” You know why I hate corrupt cops? No sense of personal responsibility.

3)“I got some very important therapy for your sexy ass.” How many times have we heard this one before? Okay, never. But it’s such a hilarious line — especially coming out of the mouth of dirty cop Eric Roberts — that I had to figure out a way to include it in this piece. I know you’ll understand.

2)“I– I– I can explain!” Yes, it’s a little of the old wackety-schmackety, as Louisiana State Police Officers Taylor (Griffin Hood) and Cobbs (Roberts) walk in on Governor Majors as he strangles a prostitute to death. But it’s not what it looks like! You see the prostitute — that Majors has apparently visited with on numerous occasions — is actually an assassin-for-hire, working with a cabal of other mercenaries who have been hired by North Korea to kill Majors. Majors, in other words, has very bad taste in prostitutes. To his credit, that does sort of explain things, though it still doesn’t square why Majors would take time out from what he describes as “the biggest day of my life,” securing endorsements and campaign donations from wealthy elites, to sleep with a hooker.

1)“This is so far above your pay grade you can’t even imagine!” Movie heroes are always working above their pay grade. Just once I would like someone in a movie to adequately paid for the job they’re required to do. “It’s a good thing you’re here Johnson! This a job that calls for someone of your job description and approximate wage.”

06012010_enemies2.jpgBest Moment: Eric Roberts, responding to an offer of a bribe in exchange for disappearing the dead prostitute’s body, by making this face:

A close runner up to The Eric Roberts Surprise Face in the Best Moment category comes from Robin Givens, playing a cruel CIA agent who tortures a guy for information for the entire film, threatening her interrogation subject by randomly telling him “You leave me no option! You have wasted my time! Do you realize that I have missed an entire season of ‘Ugly Betty?'” That one was so out of left field, I actually made the Eric Roberts Surprise Face myself.

(By the way, nobody tell Robin Givens that “Ugly Betty” is canceled. There’s really no telling what she could do. We’re just now patching up our relations with the countries of the Middle East; we don’t need anymore war atrocities.)

Worthy of a Theatrical Release: Definitely not. The tired dialogue is really just the tip of the iceberg of “Enemies Among Us”‘ problems, including bad effects, go-nowhere subplots, and camera shots and angles that are, at best, poorly chosen, and, at worst, totally out of focus. It’s also not entirely clear who this movie is about: with the headliner nowhere to be seen, the de facto protagonist becomes Hood’s Officer Taylor, who the movie at least tries to give a backstory (his sister has breast cancer and needs money for treatment, which gives him a reason to seriously consider the governor’s bribe offer). The character with the most scenes, though, is actually the villain, Governor Majors, and there’s also a lengthy (and narratively irrelevant) “60 Minutes”-style interview with a powerful senator (Steven Bauer). This movie needs characters who make conversation, not points. And at least one of them should have been played by Billy Zane.

For Further Viewing: One YouTube user’s tribute to the greatness of The Zane. It’s a minute longer than his entire contribution to “Enemies Among Us.”

[Photos: “Enemies Among Us,” Phase 4 Films, 2010]

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…