Logos… from hell!

Logos… from hell! (photo)

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When I was a child and the world was young and we all watched movies on VHS, there was one logo that would always scare the hell out of me. And now, thanks to the good folks at Cartoon Brew (both writer Jerry Beck and his passionate, long-memoried commenters), I now know that I was not alone, and that the logo has a name.

It’s the “Neon Mickey,” which opened Disney videos from 1978-84 (YouTube knows everything, provided it’s sufficiently trivial). It’s Mickey as a neon grid, rays of light emanating from his hollow outline while inappropriately martial brass marches in and out of minor keys at a really loud volume. By the time it finally emerges from the minor key into a major resolution, it’s too late. I was not happy.

12102009_screengems1.jpgWhat reminded me of all this is “The S From Hell,” a documentary short from director Rodney Ascher set to premiere at Sundance about people traumatized by the vintage ’60s Screen Gems logo. A staple at the end of “Bewitched” and “The Monkees,” it’s not a logo I was familiar with, but it jogged my memory about past logophobia.

12202009_lynchfrost1.jpgI’m not talking about intentionally unnerving stuff, like the awful Lynch/Frost Productions logo that went off after every episode of “Twin Peaks,” which is clearly meant to be abrasive. I’m talking about what bookended all that ’80s and ’90s VHS; as commenter “Marbles” correctly observes, “at no point was the aggressiveness more prevalent than the 80s, when I was a runt. People were running wild showing off with early CG, so everything was very loud and bold.”

12102009_carolco.jpgSome of this stuff was just disorientingly noisy, so bright it made you suspicious (like the Carolco logo, which looks like blue lasers carving out layers of “C” on their own initiative, and which is the opposite of comforting when preceding, say, “Terminator 2,” in which hostile computers attack us all. Or the Mandalay Entertainment logo (skip to 0:20) — who, pray tell, thought it was a good idea to precede a movie with a tiger running straight for the screen? Memories of the MGM lion would make any right-thinking person tense up and wait for the attack that never comes.

12102009_kartes.jpgOther logos, though, weren’t just frightening for my easily impressionable childish self; they’re bad ideas all round. Who knows how anyone could think it a good idea to hire Jerry Fielding — the dissonance specialist behind “Straw Dogs” and other light-hearted Peckinpah fare — to compose the utterly unnerving jingle for a United Artists logo from the ’80s? Then there’s the Kartes Video Communications logo, an ominous crawl through outer space, with letters advancing as if they were a ship misplaced from an “Alien” movie — and this, introducing “Rugrats” videos? Just watching it makes me feel like I’m stoned and listening to black metal, something I’ve never done in my entire life.

There’s plenty more where those came from — there are websites for logophobes and a whole subculture of people who like to speed up logos unnaturally, then slow them down to where everything sounds like a David Lynch nightmares. If those logo creators only knew.

[Photos: The “Neon Mickey” of Disney home video from 1978-84, Buena Vista Home Entertainment; Screen Gems; Lynch/Frost Productions; Carolco; Kartes Video]


New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…


IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon.

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number!

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time.

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by.


IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo.

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim.

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t?

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?”

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud.

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.


The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”


Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).



Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.


And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.


Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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GIFs via Giffy

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.


Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.


Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!



Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.


Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.


If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.