Failure of the decade

Failure of the decade (photo)

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The most colossal failure of the decade has been George Bush and his fascistic administration. By consequence, American foreign policy, American culture, and America overall has been a failure, if measured against the previous century. We entered the age of the supersized moron, plastic family values and air brushed crusades.

On par with these fakes, frauds, and weapons of mass deception was the most disappointing film experience in the history of humankind, the prequel Star Wars trilogy. Granted the first part “Episode I – The Phantom Menace” opened in 1999 but this new batch of films falls squarely into the 00’s and it took so long for the shock to wear off that we didn’t truly grasp the depth of the failure, the new definition of pain and suffering we slowly digested well into the Sarlaac pit of this past decade.

“Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” had redeeming qualities, it dealt with some larger themes worth the consideration of the human mind, even drawing stark (if too obvious) parallels to the wretched state of our own real life affairs. But it was too little too late to save the franchise, and taken as a whole the trilogy is Bantha fodder. More than that, the disappointment of a lifetime. At least two generations grew up with Star Wars, and more than films they were a cultural phenomenon that shaped our world view. The brilliant John Williams score played in our heads in kindergarten as we chased little Stephie about with glowing light saber, it kept us warm at recess in grade school running over the snow drifts in AT-AT’s, we spaced out to it at our Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, and divorces.

Lucas took the best thing Hollywood ever gave us and dumbed it down, clowned it up, and plasticized it. The story of the original trilogy was rooted in the universal appeal of The Cosmogonic Cycle (as described by Joseph Campbell in 1949) and took us on the archetypal journey of the reluctant hero, one that is almost hardwired in the human genome through literally millennia of kindred myths. The new trilogy took us to day care, inundated us with idiot internet dis-dat talk and a barrage of neon colored CGI turds. Before the end, Lucas tried I’ll give him that, but our cruisers just couldn’t repel disappointment of that magnitude. Failure of a lifetime really.

The runners up are all total bombs, and I’d rather watch the worst episode of the new trilogy (“Phantom Menace”) than any of these, but they aren’t loaded with a lifetime worth of let down either so they don’t take the top loser prize.

2000 “Battlefield Earth”

Not only is this one of the worst films ever made it also has an awful techno soundtrack. There is nothing even remotely good about it, not even Forest Whittaker. Travolta needed another “Pulp Fiction” to re-resurrect his career the moment he put those prosthetics on. Shoot this piece of shit into the sun with Dick Cheney, Osama Bin Laden and Crocs.

2003 “Gigli”

This joke of a movie confirmed my suspicion that Ben Affleck is a huge douche bag. Sorry Matt, we’ve all got douche bag friends I guess. A featured song was “Everything’s Gonna Be All Right” by Naughty By Nature which had clever lyrics like I was one who never had and always mad, never knew my dad, mother fuck the fag. No, it’s not going to be all right.

2002 “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”

Poor Eddie Murphy, he used to be so cool it was ridiculous. Now he’s just ridiculous. Estimated cost: $100 million
Domestic gross: $4.4 million
You can tell by the trailer that it also has the worst soundtrack of the decade.


New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…


IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 


IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.


The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”


Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).



Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.


And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.


Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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GIFs via Giffy

In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.


Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.


Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!



Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.


Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.


If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.