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Failure of the decade

Failure of the decade (photo)

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The most colossal failure of the decade has been George Bush and his fascistic administration. By consequence, American foreign policy, American culture, and America overall has been a failure, if measured against the previous century. We entered the age of the supersized moron, plastic family values and air brushed crusades.

On par with these fakes, frauds, and weapons of mass deception was the most disappointing film experience in the history of humankind, the prequel Star Wars trilogy. Granted the first part “Episode I – The Phantom Menace” opened in 1999 but this new batch of films falls squarely into the 00’s and it took so long for the shock to wear off that we didn’t truly grasp the depth of the failure, the new definition of pain and suffering we slowly digested well into the Sarlaac pit of this past decade.

“Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” had redeeming qualities, it dealt with some larger themes worth the consideration of the human mind, even drawing stark (if too obvious) parallels to the wretched state of our own real life affairs. But it was too little too late to save the franchise, and taken as a whole the trilogy is Bantha fodder. More than that, the disappointment of a lifetime. At least two generations grew up with Star Wars, and more than films they were a cultural phenomenon that shaped our world view. The brilliant John Williams score played in our heads in kindergarten as we chased little Stephie about with glowing light saber, it kept us warm at recess in grade school running over the snow drifts in AT-AT’s, we spaced out to it at our Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, and divorces.

Lucas took the best thing Hollywood ever gave us and dumbed it down, clowned it up, and plasticized it. The story of the original trilogy was rooted in the universal appeal of The Cosmogonic Cycle (as described by Joseph Campbell in 1949) and took us on the archetypal journey of the reluctant hero, one that is almost hardwired in the human genome through literally millennia of kindred myths. The new trilogy took us to day care, inundated us with idiot internet dis-dat talk and a barrage of neon colored CGI turds. Before the end, Lucas tried I’ll give him that, but our cruisers just couldn’t repel disappointment of that magnitude. Failure of a lifetime really.

The runners up are all total bombs, and I’d rather watch the worst episode of the new trilogy (“Phantom Menace”) than any of these, but they aren’t loaded with a lifetime worth of let down either so they don’t take the top loser prize.

2000 “Battlefield Earth”

Not only is this one of the worst films ever made it also has an awful techno soundtrack. There is nothing even remotely good about it, not even Forest Whittaker. Travolta needed another “Pulp Fiction” to re-resurrect his career the moment he put those prosthetics on. Shoot this piece of shit into the sun with Dick Cheney, Osama Bin Laden and Crocs.

2003 “Gigli”

This joke of a movie confirmed my suspicion that Ben Affleck is a huge douche bag. Sorry Matt, we’ve all got douche bag friends I guess. A featured song was “Everything’s Gonna Be All Right” by Naughty By Nature which had clever lyrics like I was one who never had and always mad, never knew my dad, mother fuck the fag. No, it’s not going to be all right.

2002 “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”

Poor Eddie Murphy, he used to be so cool it was ridiculous. Now he’s just ridiculous. Estimated cost: $100 million
Domestic gross: $4.4 million
You can tell by the trailer that it also has the worst soundtrack of the decade.


Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.


Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.

Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…


A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.


Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.