DID YOU READ

War of the Welles: Seven Actors Who’ve Played Orson

War of the Welles: Seven Actors Who’ve Played Orson (photo)

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Vincent D’Onofrio and Maurice LaMarche in “Ed Wood” (1994)

Directed by Tim Burton

The Film is… a biopic about the life of Edward D. Wood Jr., the so-called “worst director of all-time.” Frustrated by his financiers’ efforts to control his film “Plan 9 From Outer Space,” Wood (Johnny Depp) storms off the set and heads to the nearest bar where, by chance, Orson Welles sits alone, looking over his notes for his production of “Don Quixote.” Welles invites Wood to join him at his table and the two strike up a conversation about filmmaking.

Orson Welles is portrayed as… Ed Wood with talent. As Wood and Welles chat, they realize they have a lot in common: both men struggle to maintain their artistic vision in the face of domineering moneymen and producers who think they’re directors and try to recut their pictures. Welles eventually gives Wood the encouragement he needs to complete “Plan 9.” “Ed,” he tells him, “visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else’s dreams?”

D’Onofrio and LaMarche are… a good combination, with D’Onofrio as the face and LaMarche as the voice of Welles. D’Onofrio definitely looks like him, though maybe a bit too much like the boy genius of “Citizen Kane” and not enough like the heavyset has-been who made “Touch of Evil” around the time of this imagined conversation. And LaMarche has made a cottage industry of his uncanny aural resemblance to Welles, even using the voice as the basis of the character The Brain from the cartoon series “Animaniacs” — there’s an entire episode where The Brain throws a recording studio hissy fit nearly identical to Welles’ famous “Frozen Peas” tirade. If you’re curious to hear why director Tim Burton chose to dub in LaMarche’s voice for D’Onofrio’s, just watch D’Onofrio’s “Five Minutes, Mr. Welles,” a short film about the actor’s preparations for his famous supporting role in Carol Reed’s “The Third Man.” Five minutes of D’Onofrio’s Mr. Welles and his unconvincing upper-class accent is more than enough to convince you that Burton made the right call.

Liev Schreiber in “RKO 281” (1999)

Directed by Benjamin Ross

The Film is… a fictionalized account of the controversy surrounding the production of “Citizen Kane.” Welles and co-screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz (John Malkovich) produce their version of newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst’s life, and then Hearst (James Cromwell) uses all of his considerable power and influence to try and destroy the finished film before it’s released to theaters.

Orson Welles is portrayed as… a glory-hogging freedom fighter. On the one hand, Schreiber’s Welles will not compromise his vision or cede the spotlight for anyone, forcing Mankiewicz to change the lead character’s name at one point, and then taking Mank’s name off the screenplay entirely at another. On the other, Welles’ stubborn attitude comes in handy when RKO Pictures begins to buckle under the pressure and Welles is summoned before the board of directors to make his case, which he does, couching the entire debate as a freedom of speech matter. Mostly, this Welles is a relentless, driven egomaniac, though during a rare conciliatory moment with Mankiewicz, he reveals the well of self-doubt he hides from everyone else with his boundless cockiness. Despite his success, his fame, his talent, Welles feels alone. Or as he puts it to Mankiewicz, “I’m just a fraud who couldn’t care less about anyone except himself.” Welles, in other words, isn’t just telling Hearst’s story with “Kane”; he’s also telling his own.

Liev Schreiber is… charismatic, but a bit of a lightweight. He does a fine job capturing the young Welles’ swagger. Hard to blame RKO head George Schaefer (Roy Scheider) for giving this Welles final cut on “Kane”; he’s just so damn charming. Early scenes hum with Welles’ exuberance about his opportunity to make a great film. But Schreiber, and the film as a whole, suffers during the film’s heavier moments: he never carries the sort of raw emotion Welles brought to similar performances. Put it this way: despite the numerous scenes recreating the “Kane” production, I have a hard time believing the guy in “RKO” is the same guy who destroyed Susan Alexander’s bedroom, or who delivered the campaign rally speech, or who screamed at Boss Jim Gettys from across an apartment building stairwell. He just doesn’t have that fire in him.

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Angus Macfadyen in “Cradle Will Rock” (1999)

Directed by Tim Robbins

The Film is… an Altman-esque ensemble piece about the relationship of art and capitalism set during the Great Depression. In one major thread, Orson Welles and the Federal Theater Project’s production of the pro-union musical “The Cradle Will Rock” is threatened when the FTP comes under assault from anti-Communist elements within the U.S. Government. In the other, Nelson Rockefeller (John Cusack) hires Diego Rivera (Rubén Blades) to paint a mural for the lobby of the Rockefeller Center, but is disgusted by the finished product’s favorable depiction of Communist leaders like Lenin.

Orson Welles is portrayed as… a drunken buffoon. Robbins told Interview at the time of “Cradle Will Rock”‘s release that he found the myth of the young, brilliant Orson Welles to be “overly romantic.” In Robbins’ interpretation, Welles is less the creator of his history than a well-lubricated witness to it. Though Robbins praised Welles in the same interview as “brilliant” with a “wonderful punk personality,” that’s not really the guy we see in Robbins’ film. The guy we see rails against the eight-hour workday and mandatory breaks for union employees, drinks like a fish, and doesn’t take a steady step in the entire picture. Robbins is far more flattering to “The Cradle Will Rock” writer Marc Blitzstein (Hank Azaria), producer John Houseman (Cary Elwes) and to Hallie Flanagan (Cherry Jones), their benefactor at the Federal Theater Project, who are all regarded as passionate believers in the transcendent power of art. Welles, in contrast, is a guy who passes out during cast auditions and who dines, like William Randolph Hearst, at the 21 Club, hobnobbing with other elites while his workers scrounge for every dollar.

Angus Macfadyen is… not Orson Welles, at least not any Welles I recognize, except perhaps in those Paul Masson Wine commercial outtakes. Scottish by birth, Macfayden rarely sounds like he’s American, let alone like Orson Welles. (Imagine Gerard Butler doing “Citizen Kane” with that strange not-quite-American accent from “The Ugly Truth” and you have a decent approximation.) It’s hard to imagine this Welles making any money in radio; he’s so swamped with alcohol that he slurs every syllable he utters. Macfadyen’s Welles is like something out of one of the period’s screwball comedies: boisterous, rowdy, quick-witted, and frequently tipsy. It’s a fun performance, but it doesn’t exactly scream Orson Welles (at least not the Welles of this particular period) to the point where you wonder, given Robbins’ willingness to fictionalize other parts of the story (John Turturro’s character, for instance, is a fabrication), why he didn’t just change the character’s name from Welles and let Macfadyen go really crazy.

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Christian McKay in “Me and Orson Welles” (2009)

Directed by Richard Linklater

The Film is… a coming-of-age story about a high-school-aged theater enthusiast named Richard Samuels (Zac Efron) who stumbles into a small role in the Mercury Theatre’s 1937 production of “Julius Caesar.”

Orson Welles is portrayed as… a brilliant scoundrel. As described by one of his employees (Claire Danes), Welles is “very competitive, very self-centered, and very brilliant.” “And,” she warns, “the rule with Orson is you don’t criticize him. Ever.” He’s basically the Don Corleone of Depression-era Broadway: favoring those he loves with warmth and generosity and ruining the lives of those who dare to cross him. During his stint at the Mercury, Richard sees many sides of Welles’ persona: his improvisational brilliance, his unwavering directorial vision, his ravenous womanizing, and his dangerous temper. The rest of the “Caesar” cast and crew are often seen waiting around for Welles while he’s darting from one radio appearance to the next. But when he arrives, he is always worth the wait.

Christian McKay is… uncanny. He’s larger than life, but never cartoonish. He’s simultaneously charismatic and repulsive. He’s equally convincing whether Welles is sweet-talking a pretty girl or browbeating an argumentative stagehand. Watching McKay in the role, it is easy to see how Welles commanded so much attention; whenever McKay enters a scene, you can’t take your eyes off him. It’s said that Welles fired the actor who previously played Richard’s part in “Julius Caesar” because Welles feared being upstaged. McKay never has to share his character’s concern. He’s so good he comes dangerously close to rendering the film’s title half untrue.

[Additional photos: “The Night That Panicked America,” Paramount Television, 1975; “Malice in Wonderland,” Incorporated Television Company, 1985; “Heavenly Creatures,” Miramax, 1994; “Ed Wood,” Touchstone Pictures, 1994; “RKO 281,” HBO, 1999; “Cradle Will Rock,” Touchstone Pictures, 1999; and “Me and Orson Welles,” Freestyle Releasing, 2009]

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Forget Oscar

Find Your Spirit Animal

The Spirit Awards are LIVE this Saturday at 2p PT/5p ET.

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In just a few precious days, the greatest, most epic, most star-studded awards ceremony of the year comes to IFC.

And please, we’re definitely not talking about the Oscars. We’re talking about the Spirit Awards. Hosted by iconic comedy duo Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, it’s a relatively under-the-radar awards show with serious cred. And if the past is any indicator, we’re in for a wild night.

If you feel like doing your homework, you can find a full list of nominees and performance excerpts here. It reads like a who’s who of everyone that matters – those larger-than-life personalities with status that borders on mythological. Our celebrity spirit animals, if you will.

This isn’t hyperbole. Literally everyone who takes the stage at the awards show is spirit animal material. Let’s see if we can help you find yours…

Do you

Live in someone else’s shadow despite shining like the sun? Do you inexplicably vandalize your pretty-boy good looks with a sloppy-joe man bun and a repellent pubic-hair beard? Do you think sounding stoned and sounding thoughtful are kinda the same thing?

Congratulations, your spirit animal is Casey Affleck.

He’s the self-canonized patron saint of anyone who’s got the goods but doesn’t give a damn.

Do you

Have mid-length hair and exude a certain feminine masculinity that is universally appealing? Are you drawn to situations that promise little to nothing in the way of grooming or hygiene as a transparently self-conscious attempt to conceal your radiant inner glow? Does that fail miserably?

Way to go, your spirit animal is Viggo Mortensen.

He’s the yoga teacher of actors, in that what should make him super nasty only increases his curb appeal.

Do you

Get zero recognition for work that everyone knows is unrivaled? Do you inspire greatness in others yet get shortchanged when it comes to your own acclaim? Are you a goddam B-52 bomber in an industry of biplanes?

Bingo, your spirit animal is Annette Bening.

What does it take for this artist to win an Oscar? Honestly now, if her performance in 20th Century Women doesn’t earn her every award on the planet, consider it proof that the Universe truly is a cold dark void absent of reason or compassion.

Do you

Walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends? Have you been hiding under the radar just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the spotlight and stay there FOREVER? Do you possess the almost messianic ability to elevate Shia LaBeouf’s on-screen charisma?

You guessed it (or not), your spirit animal is 100% Sasha Lane.

If you haven’t seen American Honey, then you haven’t heard of her. She came out of the blue with a performance both subtle and powerful, and now she’s going to be in all the movies from this moment on. Or she should be, at any rate.

Don’t see your spirit animal there? Worry not. There are many more nominees to choose from, and you can see them all (yes, including Shia LaBeouf) during the Independent Spirit Awards, this Saturday at 2pm PT/5pm ET only on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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