DID YOU READ

John Boorman, sinner and sinned against.

John Boorman, sinner and sinned against. (photo)

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It seems like every day brings ever more remake announcements. The entire internet is frothing at the mouth with ongoing discussions about childhoods being metaphorically raped and the point of it all. Most notable this week was the outcry when it was reported that Robert Zemeckis and Disney are in negotiations about a 3-D motion-capture animated version of “Yellow Submarine.” It’s not like there’s anything sacred about “Yellow Submarine,” a perfectly fun movie with lots of cool visuals, bad puns and surrealist logic. How could it be tarnished with a remake that ups the eye candy factor? The director of “Back To The Future” doesn’t get comedy? C’mon.

And if you think “Yellow Submarine” is untouchable, perhaps you’d like to exchange a few words with John Boorman about his upcoming animated remake of “The Wizard of Oz.” Boorman cheerfully admits he finds the original movie “very clunky.” He’s going to rectify that with an animated version in which Toto talks. Also, he plans to answer the question of why Dorothy is “so anxious to get back to this ghastly place, Kansas.” Take that, heartland platitudes! You have to admire Boorman’s chutzpah, which will endear him to no one not in love with perverse endeavors. As long as nobody touches Walter Murch’s deliriously messed-up, untoppable “Return To Oz,” I’m cool with it all.

In karmic return for potentially desecrating a movie beloved by millions, Boorman will just have to sit back and watch as Bryan Singer tries to remake 1981’s “Excalibur.” Boorman’s fondly remembered King Arthur hit is less infamously nutty than his earlier “Zardoz,” but it’s still idiosyncratic enough to make you wonder why Singer would bother. Singer’s a good company man when it comes to efficient blockbusters — at least around the time of “X2,” not so much on “Superman Returns.” Why someone thought Singer’s potential for overwrought portentousness should be married to Boorman’s own penchant for the over-the-top is unclear, but hey: it’s been five whole years since Antoine Fuqua’s “King Arthur” flopped! Time to try again!

I assume Singer’s Arthur will be just as moody as Superman, just as coded a metaphor for gay outcasts as the X-Men and just as inadvertently silly as pretty much every Camelot movie ever made. There’s a long history of Arthurian movies flopping, because they’re inevitably so silly and cliche-ridden (in his review of 1995’s long-forgotten “First Knight,” Anthony Lane mocked the usual “peasant” dialogue: “I tell you, there’ll be some feasting today!”). It seems unlikely this movie will actually get made; it’s too expensive and too senseless for even the dimmest studio exec. But “Yellow Submarine”? I’m totally rooting for that.

[Photo: Oh my. “The Wizard of Oz,” MGM, 1939]

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Very NSFW

The Brockmire Premiere Is All Truth

Watch The First Episode of Brockmire Right Now for Free

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GIFS via Giphy

At long last, the Brockmire pre-premiere has arrived. Which means you can watch it right now—on IFC.com, at Funny Or Die, on IFC’s Apple TV and mobile apps, on Youtube, on Facebook, on the AMC apps, and right here. So grab some headphones and get watching.

No seriously, get headphones.

Because whether he’s giving a play-by-play or ruminating on the world around him, Jim Brockmire calls it like he sees it. And how he sees it is very NSFW. His take on life is actually quite refreshing, even to the point of being profoundly sage. For proof just look at these pearls of unconventional wisdom from the premiere…

Brockmire On The Internet

“If I need porn I just buy a nudie mag, like my father and his father before him.”

Brockmire On Sex-Ed

“Kids, a strap-on is a belt with d— on it that mommies use to f— daddies.”
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Brockmire On The Perfect High

“Somewhere between 10 cups of coffee and very low-grade cocaine.”
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Brockmire On The Tardiness of Spring

“Old man winter’s reaching his hand inside your coat to give that thing one more squeeze.”

Brockmire On Keeping Perspective

“I thought I hit rock bottom in a handicap restroom in Bangkok where a Thai lady-boy snorted crank off my johnson while a sunburnt German watched us on the toilet”
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Brockmire On Humanity

“If you want to look directly into the gaping maw of oblivion, don’t look up to the heavens. Just look in the mirror.”
Jules-never-seen

See these nuggets and more in the first episode of Brockmire, and see the whole season beginning April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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