DID YOU READ

IT’S LIKE THAT: Where Do You See Yourself In 10 Years?

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Ten years ago this month I made my maiden voyage to New York City. My friend and I boarded a Greyhound bus in Pittsburgh, and some nine-and-a-half hours later–around midnight–found ourselves in the heart of Times Square. We then loitered around for the next four hours, waiting to receive word on when and where we should line up.

Line up for what? Only the most talked about contest in the land: MTV’s Wanna Be A VJ Too. Just a year earlier, Jesse Camp–an indecipherable, six-foot-five, out-of-his-mind flower child–won the inaugural contest, giving him a yearlong gig as an MTV VJ. Even his runner-up, Dave Holmes, was awarded a job.

Our mantra was: If Jesse can win, anyone can. The (supposedly) homeless hippie gave us all hope.

I missed out on the contest a year before, because one of my co-workers from McDonald’s bailed on me (and I wasn’t ready to take on The Big Apple by myself). In 1999, however, I was ready to stare down New York City and come back home with the job of my dreams.

After waiting in line for ten hours in a winter-like drizzle (with only a light jacket to keep me warm–which it didn’t) I made it into the hallowed halls of MTV’s Times Square Studio. With countless others, I was herded in front of a camera and delivered my VJ spiel. I guess I did alright, because the producer sent me to another station–this one less crowded, with more serious-looking people sitting behind the camera. I was asked a handful of questions (Who’s your favorite band? What kind of music do you like? Why should we pick you?), gave my answers–which apparently didn’t impress these people, because they barely looked up at me–and was out the door quicker than you could say John Sencio.

(above: I took a nine-and-a-half hour bus ride, waited in line for ten hours, took another nine-and-a-halk hour bus ride, and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.)

After grabbing my first slice of NYC pizza, my friend and I were back on the Greyhound bus and traveled nine-and-a-half hours in the opposite direction. I never heard back from MTV, and a few days later I watched on television as Thalia (who I remember kept calling herself “momma”) was crowned the winner of MTV’s Wanna Be A VJ Too (sigh).

Ten years later, the world has changed. Though we still herd thousands of common folks in and out of casting calls–not so much for a job anymore, but for a new genre of television (“reality”), 2009 doesn’t have much in common with 1999. I’m not even sure if an MTV VJ job currently exists, let alone video promotion positions at record labels–the people who used to give videos to MTV so a VJ could actually have something to introduce. Music is sold differently, bought (ha-ha-ha) differently, made differently, listened to differently, and distributed differently than it was at the turn of the millennium.

If I could have a conversation with myself back then, here’s how I think it might sound:

1999 Jim: Whoa, you look just like me–except a little bit older.

2009 Jim: That’s cause I am you–10 years from now–you idiot!

1999 Jim: Why am I an idiot?

2009 Jim: Cause you’ve been standing in the middle of Times Square for over ten hours, just wearin’ that thin-ass jacket. It’s freezin’! (hands 1999 Jim a winter jacket.) Here, wear this.

1999 Jim: Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.

2009 Jim: No worries. Hey, why don’t you get out of this long line and just go home?

1999 Jim: No way man, I’ve been waiting here since midnight.

2009 Jim: You don’t think I know that? Jim–um–you’re not going to win this contest.

1999 Jim: I’m not going to be a VJ?!

2009 Jim: I didn’t say that.

1999 Jim: Well I thought you said I didn’t win–

2009 Jim: Just give it a couple years and it will all make sense.

1999 Jim: Hey, do I ever get to meet the Beastie Boys.

2009 Jim: (points to MTV studio window) Yep. Not only that, but you’ll also get to host a live show with them, right up there, on the day they release To The 5 Boroughs.

1999 Jim: Awesome! When do they release that album?

2009 Jim: In 2004–it was the follow up to Hello Nasty.

1999 Jim: Shit, I’ve got to wait another five years for a new Beastie Boys’ album?

2009 Jim: (shakes 1999 Jim) Would you shut up! How many people get a chance to talk to their future self and all you can do is ask stupid questions about the Beastie Boys?

1999 Jim: Well if 2019 Jim visited you, wouldn’t you be doing the same thing?

2009 Jim: (pauses) Yeah, I guess so. (looks down at 1999 Jim’s hands and disappointedly shakes his head) You and your damn cassette Walkman.

1999 Jim: I don’t like the shape of the Discman, and besides, they always skip. In the future, have they invented those mini-CD’s yet?

2009 Jim: No need for ’em, people listen to music on their iPods now.

1999 Jim: Their i-what?

2009 Jim: iPods. Basically, you take song files from your computer and download them onto your iPod.

1999 Jim: How long does that take?

2009 Jim: A couple minutes.

1999 Jim: How many songs does it fit?

2009 Jim: Thousands.

1999 Jim: Huh?! What!? Did you say thousands?!

2009 Jim: Yeah, and you know those big CD books you take on road trips with you?

1999 Jim: Yeah.

2009 Jim: You won’t need those anymore either.

1999 Jim: How big are these iPod things?

2009 Jim: (holds up his hand) They have some that are the size of my thumb.

1999 Jim: Holy shit!

2009 Jim: They even have some with a TV screen, so you can watch movies and music videos on ’em.

1999 Jim: Speaking of music videos, what bands are big now?

2009 Jim: Metallica, U2, Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones.

1999 Jim: No, no, no–not now, but in 2009?

2009 Jim: I know. That’s who I was talking about.

1999 Jim: What about bands that I don’t know about now?

2009 Jim: Let’s just say that the guitar-shaped swimming pool era of rock-and-roll is dead.

1999 Jim: How come?

2009 Jim: Cause the music industry is tanking?

1999 Jim: Why?

2009 Jim: Well, for starters, people quit buying CD’s? Why buy a CD, upload it to your computer, and download it on your iPod, when you can just cut out the middle man and buy (or illegally download) the songs and toss ’em on your iPod? CD’s took up too much space anyway.

1999 Jim: Why would you need CD stores then?

2009 Jim: You don’t. (points across street to Virgin Megastore) You see that over there? That goes bye-bye in the future too.

1999 Jim: Well, what about record labels?

2009 Jim: They’re not doing well either.

1999 Jim: (points up to MTV Studio) How ’bout these guys?

2009 Jim: If you thought they didn’t play a lot of music videos now, just wait ten years. I don’t even think they shoot in this studio anymore.

1999 Jim: Well, how do bands survive then?

2009 Jim: People still pay to see live music, and it doesn’t matter how advanced technology gets, you can’t download a t-shirt. But, I know a bunch of bands that have to return to their day jobs once their tour is over.

1999 Jim: Should I forget about working in music and get a job in the financial industry then?

2009 Jim: No.

1999 Jim: Let me guess, that’s tanking too?

2009 Jim: You’re a quick learner. Hey, I gotta go–have to get back to my day job now.

1999 Jim: What do you do?

2009 Jim: I’m a blogger.

1999 Jim: A what?!

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New Nasty

Whips, Chains and Hand Sanitizer

Turn On The Full Season Of Neurotica At IFC's Comedy Crib

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Jenny Jaffe has a lot going on: She’s writing for Disney’s upcoming Big Hero 6: The Series, developing comedy projects with pals at Devastator Press, and she’s straddling the line between S&M and OCD as the creator and star of the sexyish new series Neurotica, which has just made its debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib. Jenny gave us some extremely intimate insight into what makes Neurotica (safely) sizzle…

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IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. 

IFC: How would you describe Neurotica to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jenny: Neurotica is about a plucky Dominatrix with OCD trying to save her small-town dungeon. You’re great. We should get coffee sometime. I’m not just saying that. I know other people just say that sometimes but I really feel like we’re going to be friends, you know? Here, what’s your number, I’ll call you so you can have my number! 

IFC: What’s your comedy origin story?

Jenny: Since I was a kid I’ve dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. Comedy has always been one of the ways I’ve dealt with that. I honestly just want to help make people feel happy for a few minutes at a time. 

IFC: What was the genesis of Neurotica?

Jenny: I’m pretty sure it was a title-first situation. I was coming up with ideas to pitch to a production company a million years ago (this isn’t hyperbole; I am VERY old) and just wrote down “Neurotica”; then it just sort of appeared fully formed. “Neurotica? Oh it’s an over-the-top romantic comedy about a Dominatrix with OCD, of course.” And that just happened to hit the buttons of everything I’m fascinated by. 

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IFC: How would you describe Ivy?

Jenny: Ivy is everything I love in a comedy character – she’s tenacious, she’s confident, she’s sweet, she’s a big wonderful weirdo. 

IFC: How would Ivy’s clientele describe her?

Jenny:  Open-minded, caring, excellent aim. 

IFC: Why don’t more small towns have local dungeons?

Jenny: How do you know they don’t? 

IFC: What are the pros and cons of joining a chain mega dungeon?

Jenny: You can use any of their locations but you’ll always forget you have a membership and in a year you’ll be like “jeez why won’t they let me just cancel?” 

IFC: Mouths are gross! Why is that?

Jenny: If you had never seen a mouth before and I was like “it’s a wet flesh cave with sharp parts that lives in your face”, it would sound like Cronenberg-ian body horror. All body parts are horrifying. I’m kind of rooting for the singularity, I’d feel way better if I was just a consciousness in a cloud. 

See the whole season of Neurotica right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

The-Craft

The ’90s Are Back

The '90s live again during IFC's weekend marathon.

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Photo Credit: Everett Digital, Columbia Pictures

We know what you’re thinking: “Why on Earth would anyone want to reanimate the decade that gave us Haddaway, Los Del Rio, and Smash Mouth, not to mention Crystal Pepsi?”

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Thoughts like those are normal. After all, we tend to remember lasting psychological trauma more vividly than fleeting joy. But if you dig deep, you’ll rediscover that the ’90s gave us so much to fondly revisit. Consider the four pillars of true ’90s culture.

Boy Bands

We all pretended to hate them, but watch us come alive at a karaoke bar when “I Want It That Way” comes on. Arguably more influential than Brit Pop and Grunge put together, because hello – Justin Timberlake. He’s a legitimate cultural gem.

Man-Child Movies

Adam Sandler is just behind The Simpsons in terms of his influence on humor. Somehow his man-child schtick didn’t get old until the aughts, and his success in that arena ushered in a wave of other man-child movies from fellow ’90s comedians. RIP Chris Farley (and WTF Rob Schneider).

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Teen Angst

In horror, dramas, comedies, and everything in between: Troubled teens! Getting into trouble! Who couldn’t relate to their First World problems, plaid flannels, and lose grasp of the internet?

Mainstream Nihilism

From the Coen Bros to Fincher to Tarantino, filmmakers on the verge of explosive popularity seemed interested in one thing: mind f*cking their audiences by putting characters in situations (and plot lines) beyond anyone’s control.

Feeling better about that walk down memory lane? Good. Enjoy the revival.

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And revisit some important ’90s classics all this weekend during IFC’s ’90s Marathon. Check out the full schedule here.

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Get Physical

DVDs are the new Vinyl

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available On Disc.

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In this crazy digital age, sometimes all we really want is to reach out and touch something. Maybe that’s why so many of us are still gung-ho about owning stuff on DVD. It’s tangible. It’s real. It’s tech from a bygone era that still feels relevant, yet also kitschy and retro. It’s basically vinyl for people born after 1990.

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Inevitably we all have that friend whose love of the disc is so absolutely repellent that he makes the technology less appealing. “The resolution, man. The colors. You can’t get latitude like that on a download.” Go to hell, Tim.

Yes, Tim sucks, and you don’t want to be like Tim, but maybe he’s onto something and DVD is still the future. Here are some benefits that go beyond touch.

It’s Decor and Decorum

With DVDs and a handsome bookshelf you can show off your great taste in film and television without showing off your search history. Good for first dates, dinner parties, family reunions, etc.

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Forget Public Wifi

Warm up that optical drive. No more awkwardly streaming episodes on shady free wifi!

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Inter-not

Internet service goes down. It happens all the time. It could happen right now. Then what? Without a DVD on hand you’ll be forced to make eye contact with your friends and family. Or worse – conversation.

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Self Defense

You can’t throw a download like a ninja star. Think about it.

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If you’d like to experience the benefits DVD ownership yourself, Portlandia Season 7 is now available on DVD and Blue-Ray.