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How To Save The Music Industry, Steps 1-11

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It’s no secret that the music industry is in big trouble. With CD sales tanking, record labels downsizing, and less and less high profile rock stars to fill arena seats, it’s becoming more difficult to achieve music’s version of the American Dream.

(left: William Schintziss, the man who can save music!)

Fortunately for us, there are visionaries like William Schintziss (brother of famed record label mogul, Robert Schintziss). While attending one of his seminars this past weekend at the Expo Mart, Schintziss laid out his first 11 steps to help save the music industry. Apparently the next 310 steps will follow in subsequent seminars, self-help events, and a 500-page leather bound coffee table book.

STEPS 1-11:

1.) No more forced photos of bands trying to act all serious. Bands can only take solemn press pictures if A.) they’re being ironic, or B.) legitimately acting serious.

2.) Bands are only allowed to play two festivals dates in a given country per year. That, or festivals with similar line-ups have to come up with a standardized name.

3.) The video game Rock Band will feature real instruments, so gamers can actually learn how to play instruments instead of finger-tapping a bunch of rainbow-colored buttons.


4.) To encourage bands to make complete works of art (i.e., albums) and consumers to buy them, iTunes will sell full-length recordings for $5 a piece.

5.) Solo hip-hop artists can have no more than three guest appearances per album. More than three will result in the album being called a compilation.

6.) Skits can no longer be used on hip-hop albums unless they’re actually funny.

7.) All radio edits of songs must either have alternate lyrics or the curse words bleeped. A simple muting of each expletive will no longer be permitted, which will hopefully encourage “artists” to be more creative with their lyrics.

8.) Holier-than-thou indie bands can no longer have their songs featured in a video game unless the band members actually play the video game.

9.) At concerts, fans will be encouraged to wear shirts of the band they’re seeing–be that guy! Don’t let Jeremy Piven’s snarky character in PCU dictate otherwise.


10.) Speaking of apparel, fans will not be permitted to wear the shirt of a particular artist unless they can actually name a band member and/or song from that group. Consequently, there will be a surplus of Ramones t-shirts.

11.) Only while attending a Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, or Iron Maiden concert (or if willing to bite the head off of a living bat) is one allowed to form devil horns with their hands. Perpetrators will have their pinky and index fingers amputated. A tweenager will then think twice about throwing up the horns at a Jonas Brothers concert.


Hacked In

Funny or Die Is Taking Over

FOD TV comes to IFC every Saturday night.

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We’ve been fans of Funny or Die since we first met The Landlord. That enduring love makes it more than logical, then, that IFC is totally cool with FOD hijacking the airwaves every Saturday night. Yes, that’s happening.

The appropriately titled FOD TV looks like something pulled from public access television in the nineties. Like lo-fi broken-antenna reception and warped VHS tapes. Equal parts WTF and UHF.

Get ready for characters including The Shirtless Painter, Long-Haired Businessmen, and Pigeon Man. They’re aptly named, but for a better sense of what’s in store, here’s a taste of ASMR with Kelly Whispers:

Watch FOD TV every Saturday night during IFC’s regularly scheduled movies.


Wicked Good

See More Evil

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is on Hulu.

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Okay, so you missed the entire first season of Stan Against Evil. There’s no shame in that, per se. But here’s the thing: Season 2 is just around the corner and you don’t want to lag behind. After all, Season 1 had some critical character development, not to mention countless plot twists, and a breathless finale cliffhanger that’s been begging for resolution since last fall. It also had this:


The good news is that you can catch up right now on Hulu. Phew. But if you aren’t streaming yet, here’s a basic primer…

Willards Mill Is Evil

Stan spent his whole career as sheriff oblivious to the fact that his town has a nasty curse. Mostly because his recently-deceased wife was secretly killing demons and keeping Stan alive.

Demons Really Want To Kill Stan

The curse on Willards Mill stipulates that damned souls must hunt and kill each and every town sheriff, or “constable.” Oh, and these demons are shockingly creative.


They Also Want To Kill Evie

Why? Because Evie’s a sheriff too, and the curse on Willard’s Mill doesn’t have a “one at a time” clause. Bummer, Evie.

Stan and Evie Must Work Together

Beating the curse will take two, baby, but that’s easier said than done because Stan doesn’t always seem to give a damn. Damn!


Beware of Goats

It goes without saying for anyone who’s seen the show: If you know that ancient evil wants to kill you, be wary of anything that has cloven feet.


Season 2 Is Lurking

Scary new things are slouching towards Willards Mill. An impending darkness descending on Stan, Evie and their cohort – eviler evil, more demony demons, and whatnot. And if Stan wants to survive, he’ll have to get even Stanlier.

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is now streaming right now on Hulu.



Reminders that the ’90s were a thing

"The Place We Live" is available for a Jessie Spano-level binge on Comedy Crib.

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GIFs via Giphy

Unless you stopped paying attention to the world at large in 1989, you are of course aware that the ’90s are having their pop cultural second coming. Nobody is more acutely aware of this than Dara Katz and Betsy Kenney, two comedians who met doing improv comedy and have just made their Comedy Crib debut with the hilarious ’90s TV throwback series, The Place We Live.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Dara: It’s everything you loved–or loved to hate—from Melrose Place and 90210 but condensed to five minutes, funny (on purpose) and totally absurd.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Betsy: “Hey Todd, why don’t you have a sip of water. Also, I think you’ll love The Place We Live because everyone has issues…just like you, Todd.”


IFC: When you were living through the ’90s, did you think it was television’s golden age or the pop culture apocalypse?

Betsy: I wasn’t sure I knew what it was, I just knew I loved it!

Dara: Same. Was just happy that my parents let me watch. But looking back, the ’90s honored The Teen. And for that, it’s the golden age of pop culture. 

IFC: Which ’90s shows did you mine for the series, and why?

Betsy: Melrose and 90210 for the most part. If you watch an episode of either of those shows you’ll see they’re a comedic gold mine. In one single episode, they cover serious crimes, drug problems, sex and working in a law firm and/or gallery, all while being young, hot and skinny.

Dara: And almost any series we were watching in the ’90s, Full House, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life has very similar themes, archetypes and really stupid-intense drama. We took from a lot of places. 


IFC: How would you describe each of the show’s characters in terms of their ’90s TV stereotype?

Dara: Autumn (Sunita Mani) is the femme fatale. Robin (Dara Katz) is the book worm (because she wears glasses). Candace (Betsy Kenney) is Corey’s twin and gives great advice and has really great hair. Corey (Casey Jost) is the boy next door/popular guy. Candace and Corey’s parents decided to live in a car so the gang can live in their house. 
Lee (Jonathan Braylock) is the jock.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Dara: Because everyone’s feeling major ’90s nostalgia right now, and this is that, on steroids while also being a totally new, silly thing.

Delight in the whole season of The Place We Live right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. It’ll take you back in all the right ways.