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DID YOU READ

Globes.

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Work it, Scarlett Jo.Ah, the Golden Globes. We can’t imagine that anyone who’s ever gotten paid $.10 a word to research and write an article that inevitably got chopped in half and edited beyond recognition doesn’t feel a sense of perverse satisfaction that, once a year, all of Hollywood preens and kowtows to the decisions of a group of 84 fairly unknown freelance journalists. Long gone are the Pia Zadora dark days — though the Globes are carefully calculated to gather the maximum amount of celebrity wattage (including TV and breaking film noms, often enigmatically, into drama and comedy/musical), this year, they’re also the classy awards, the Indiewood celebration that’s also stripped of Oscar bloat. Alessandra Stanley at the New York Times:

The Globes make much better television than the Oscars. They skip
boring technical categories like special effects or makeup. And while
there is an award for best song, there are no musical numbers. That
could be the reason almost every star remembers to thank the Hollywood
Foreign Press Association when they receive their award, even those who
forget to thank co-stars and spouses.

Or, less fondly but ever most irresistibly, Mark Lisanti at Defamer:

If the Emmys are Oscar’s crayon-eating little brother, then the Golden
Globes are its developmentally disabled cousin from abroad, who somehow
manages to coat his mouth in paste, then devour half of the innards of
your favorite down pillow while you’re busy child-proofing your open
electrical outlets. And like that distant relative who pops in once a
year (a Christmas here, a funeral there), you’re obligated to sit and
pretend to be entertained for a few hours as he wheezes out the
occasional sticky feather.

It wasn’t surprising that "Brokeback Mountain" picked up the big prizes — even the lack of a Heath Ledger win wasn’t that startling in the face of "Capote"‘s late critic circle momentum. Or maybe we’ve just been reading enough awards speculation to have dulled our senses.

Otherwise: Rachel Weisz is a lovely woman, and we don’t know why she would ever do that to her hair. The film winners we’re all so concerned with showing off the Globes’ famous enforced "informality" that the television winners came through with far better speeches, having actually prepared (we loved Geena Davis‘ little girl anecdote, and we’re filled with general benevolent good will towards anything Hugh Laurie and Sandra Oh choose to do). The new Superman looks fantastically like a Ken doll brought to life — we’re not positive, but we suspect he’s actually just a computer-generated image. And the montage of Anthony Hopkins !Acting! that was put together for the presentation of whatever lifetime achievement award it was that they gave him was the most giggleworthy mess of out-of-context moments we’re ever seen — awesome that they kept his face on screen while showing that endless clip of his 1978 self crawling around on the ground, howling at a ventriloquist’s dummy.

The Globes are charming because of their glitches and oddities: the twitches nominees are unable to suppress when a tipsy presenter slaughters their name on live national TV; the way winners often have trouble finding their way to the stage through the crowded main floor; the inexplicable cuts to reaction shots of people totally unrelated to what’s going on on stage; the moments when they cut back from a commercial and malicious cameramen immediately zoom in on whoever’s foolish enough to have been eating (ha!). The Oscars have become so ironed out that we kind of wish they’d just go back to embracing their bloatedness and bringing on the interminable interpretive dance numbers and lengthy accidental silences — anything to take off the sheen of sleek self-congratulation. Seven weeks, yo. Whatever are we going to talk about in the meantime?

Larry Carroll at MTV reports on the red carpet scene and rounds up post-Globe parties. Jeffrey Wells also has party reports and pictures (and it looks like he ran into quite a few bloggers out there) — and the New York Times‘ very own Carpetbagger, Dave Carr, files a few early morning post-party posts himself.

+ 63rd Golden Globe Award Winners (Official site)
+ Where the Mood Is Spontaneous, and a Little Serious (NY Times)
+ The Golden Globes: An Enchanting Gay Horseback Ride With The Hollywood Foreign Press (Defamer)
+ Joaquin Loses A Bet, Clooney Eyes Heath And Golden Globes Parties Rage On (MTV)
+ Globe Finals (Hollywood Elsewhere)
+ Golden Globes (Carpetbagger)

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…